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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does anyone else feel sad...

69 replies

Happycat1212 · 05/04/2021 16:16

That they will probably be alone forever now and never meet anyone? I’m so lonely, I’ve been single for 4 years now and I hate that I can’t just go out and meet someone like everyone else (lone parent so no option) any other single parents feel the same and how do you make peace with it??

OP posts:

monstermunchbunch · 05/04/2021 20:47

A fellow single parent here too. Ive come to terms with my eternal singledom, the way I see it, i am spinning so many plates at the moment (working full time, zero support from family, father is not allowed contact - court ordered), that I don't even have time to contemplate trying to factor anyone else into my life.
I have good friends, and I am grateful for that, but I then listen to them moan and bitch about their partners...
Seems to me that I have one less person to have to look after! Just me, dd and the dog! And to be honest, I would take my life as it is, (relentless and neverending with zero breaks) then have to put up with anyone else!

monstermunchbunch · 05/04/2021 20:48

Oh and I've just turned 37

monstermunchbunch · 05/04/2021 20:52

@wobblywinelover you sound like my sort of person!

Original poster

Happycat1212 · 05/04/2021 20:52

To answer I think it is harder in your 40s because the older you get the harder it is I don’t think that can denied really, a woman in her 40s will have less options than a woman in her 20 s or even 30s wasn’t there a whole huge thread on here about the struggles of dating in your 40s? I have only briefly read it, yes most people will be settled and married by then and I don’t really want to date someone fresh out of a marriage when I’ve been single for many years.

OP posts:

CaesarsDream · 05/04/2021 20:59

I don’t really want to date someone fresh out of a marriage when I’ve been single for many years.

Completely agree with this. A person who's just come out of a faulty marriage is not relationship material. A period of sustained self-development is necessary before dating if entering and building a healthy new LTR is the ultimate goal of dating.

KarensChoppyBob · 05/04/2021 21:02

I agree. Same goes for anyone straight out of a relationship. I was thinking more of a couple of years out.

ThebirdsAndBeesWhereThere · 05/04/2021 21:11

It does and can happen.

In my two LTR I had children. I waited until the youngest was 17 before I did anything other than 'going on dates'.

Aged 45 (and 6 years single) I met my DP (who had been divorced 7 years). An adult relationship where no children are involved is amazing!

TedMullins · 05/04/2021 21:16

@Happycat1212

But that’s the thing I do want to get married and live with someone. My ex would never fully commit to me so I’ve never really got to have that experience.

Is this really what you want for yourself though, or are you just feeling like you should because you see people around you doing it? Society really hasn’t caught up with the fact that the nuclear family/marriage/LTR isn’t the only way to live, there are other options that are just as valid and fulfilling. It is absolutely possible to be happy, fulfilled and content single, although it sounds like you’re also perhaps a bit worn down by never getting a break from your kids, which is understandable. I don’t really have any helpful suggestions I’m afraid apart from changing your mindset like others said - there’s nothing wrong with being single, I’m your age and single (although no kids) and if I’m completely honest, the relationships I’ve had have brought restrictions, anxiety and a feeling of losing autonomy as much as they’ve brought pleasant times. I’m totally content with the thought of never meeting anyone - I can design my life to be exactly how I want it. If someone comes along and fits into that, great, if they don’t, no problem. When lockdown eases can you get out with the kids and take them to local groups where you might meet other parents? Can your friends pop over for coffee if you can’t get a sitter to go out? Can you start doing something just for you once the kids are in bed, like reading, drawing, embroidery, whatever you enjoy? It sounds like you need to discover your identity away from being a mum, which is obviously hard when you don’t get a break, but you can think about the kind of stuff you enjoy and would like to have in your life.

Original poster

Happycat1212 · 05/04/2021 21:22

I definitely want to get married and live with someone, I hate living alone and I find it lonely, especially the evenings they’re the worst . Friends come round rarely (not at the moment) but it feels a bit pity ish (I know that’s not a word) theyre single parents but their exes or family are involved so I feel a bit like they pity me. Before Covid if we went out to dinner they would all come alone all glammed up and I would be there with my army of kids! They don’t want to do kiddy things as their children are teens, so we would go to a restaurant but they weren’t particularly child friendly places and I would be the only one there with my children, they would all talk about the dates they’ve been on or the new guys they met and all I will have to contribute is what my child did at school

OP posts:

Vierty · 05/04/2021 21:24

Why can’t you get a babysitter and go out?

You do have to help yourself a bit

Original poster

Happycat1212 · 05/04/2021 21:35

Can’t afford it, not regularly anyway. I’m shocked at how much babysitters are these days. Tbh I don’t want to leave my children with someone they don’t know anyway

OP posts:

Palavah · 05/04/2021 21:39

Firstly it's not a linear process where people start single and gradually peel off, never to be seen again. Men and women come on and off the 'market'.

Flip it round: some of us are single, over 35, and still hoping to have a relationship and a family. Presumably with 4 children you're not desparate to have more, so you can focus on companionship.

Affection, companionship and intimacy come in many forms. Even if you don't feel ready for a serious romantic relationship i think you're really risking losing sight of yourself, and short-chnaging yourself if you don't take some time to do an activity with other adults.

devastating · 05/04/2021 21:54

I did feel sad, but I am 20 years older than you OP. I have been single since my divorce and I too don’t see how I am going to meet anyone or form another relationship - for a variety of reasons. I felt sad because the one relationship I have been in was an emotionally abusive one (my marriage), and if that is the only experience of “love” I have in this lifetime, I do find that upsetting. Plus I get lonely - though I live with my three teens - and wonder what it would be like to be physically close to someone again.

But I have stopped obsessing about it as the illness of a child in my dd’s class has thrown stuff like that into perspective. I don’t care if I never meet anyone - if I manage to love my kids in a good enough way then that’ll be okay.

However I would say that at 32 you have many more chances of meeting someone than I do OP, and I am sure it will happen. I second going to (when things open up I mean) things you can take your children to, and/or joining the FROLO app. They are launching a dating for single parents app soon which might be good.

Do you have friends you might be able to swap babysitting duties with? (Sorry if you have already answered questions like these). That could be a solution.

KarensChoppyBob · 05/04/2021 21:58

Firstly it's not a linear process where people start single and gradually peel off, never to be seen again. Men and women come on and off the 'market'.

Way better way of saying what I was trying to say.

ThebirdsAndBeesWhereThere · 05/04/2021 23:03

Get your friends teens to baby sit !

Original poster

Happycat1212 · 05/04/2021 23:08

I’ve had my nephew watch them for a couple of hours once but 4 kids is too much for most teens. He clearly found it hard work, I imagine most teens would struggle with 4 kids to look after.

OP posts:

CirqueDeMorgue · 05/04/2021 23:14

Your best bet is meeting someone through some sort of parenting-related type activity.

Original poster

Happycat1212 · 06/04/2021 00:12

I don’t think I would want to meet someone with my children with me, doesn’t sit right with me tbh. I think I will just have to find a way to make peace with it, just the loneliness that’s unbearable. Even before Covid. But it is what it is.

OP posts:

Vierty · 06/04/2021 10:20

I really think you need to reconsider the babysitter option. Do your children have a reliable bedtime? Do they go up without a fuss? If so then find a babysitter, use a reliable agency such as sitters and introduce the kids to them. If your little one goes to pre school some of the nursery nurses may want to earn extra money.

It’s unreasonable to want to meet up with someone with 4 kids in tow so you have 2 choices. Embrace being in your own or put some money aside so you can afford reliable childcare and get out.

There are lots of men out there who have come out of relationships and are looking for a new partner.

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