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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My sister's husband is a fucking nightmare

40 replies

Okbussitout · 05/04/2021 15:58

Yes I know it's kind of none of my buisness but I love her and she's not happy. This is prompted by seeing them over the weekend.

She is married (12 years ish) with 2 dc aged approx 18 months and 4. Both early to mid 30s. The kids are wonderful and I love them with all my heart, I'm close to my sister too.

I obviously understand parenting two small children is hard and we're in a pandemic. But these issues have been around for years.

He's very set in his ways and uptight. He's useless with the kids, getting exasperated quickly. He huffs and puffs around about being exhausted but she does the lions share of childcare. Hes inattentive to the kids too. She definitely does all of the mental load. She will almost never leave him with both if them as he can't cope.

He's not considerate of her either. They don't have much in common and he's quite dismissive of her interests. He doesn't do loving and kind things for her.

We've talked plenty of times about him and their relationship she's said she's not happy. But then she never talks about leaving and equally knows he won't change.

I'm posting because I'm wondering how others deal with loved ones being in unhappy relationships. I'm sure somone will tell me it's not my life and I need to get one with things. I'm not saying I'm going to do anything. I'm also not saying everyone needs the same type of relationship. But she's said she's not happy. So it's not a judgement from me on the quality of her relationship. She's said it herself!

It's just a hard to be around and sometimes sharing can help. So if like to know if other have similar experiences and any ways to deal with it.

OP posts:
normalsaline · 05/04/2021 16:11

Why do you need to ‘deal with it’?

Chipsandchesses · 05/04/2021 16:12

Because it’s her sister and she’d probably like to help her if she’s unhappy?

AaSaat · 05/04/2021 16:16

All you can do is be supportive and pick up the pieces if needed, anything more could potentially harm your future relationship with your sister.

The only person that 'knows best' is the one in the middle of it.

BurbageBrook · 05/04/2021 16:17

Not much you can do besides continue being a good sister and friend to her.

Original poster
Okbussitout · 05/04/2021 16:20

@normalsaline

Why do you need to ‘deal with it’?
I need to deal with how I think about it is what I meant. I think it was fairly clear in my op,I did explicitly say I wasn't going to do or say anything as in intervene.

But it does make me feel really sad to know she isn't happy. So I was looking for people who may have experienced loved ones being in unhappy relationships but knowing that the loved one will stay in the relationship. How do you deal with this in your own thinking to stop you becomingore sad or worried for example.

Also how do you deal with them complaining about their spouse? Or times when they are upset?

OP posts:
JGK0 · 05/04/2021 16:31

You need to accept that the only person who can change this situation is is your sister.

How you feel about it has no bearing on her, only you. Let her know you are there for her regardless. In the words of the serenity prayer (atheist version)

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference"

InFiveMins · 05/04/2021 16:32

I would honestly remind her that you love her, are always there for her and if she needs somewhere to go and someone to turn to that you will be there and support her. And I'd try and get her out more - obviously we have no idea of what you do as sisters, but could you go out on more day trips, go on little weekends away together (with the kids if you can't leave them with someone she trusts) - is that a possibility? So she can see how much fun she has away from her partner and what life is like outside her own 4 walls?

Rainbowsleepysloth · 05/04/2021 16:37

I think you need to trust that your sister knows what she’s doing. It may be that she isn’t ready to figure out the logistics of leaving and with such young kids I’m not really surprised, she’s probably exhausted just getting through it.
I’m not sure what sort of relationship you have with your sister but you could just ask why she stays?
I’m not particularly happy in my marriage and my sister has asked me why I stay. I’m in no way offended by it. I think that leaving is a big decision and you have to be content that it is the right course to pursue.
My sister is also in an unhappy relationship so I can see it from both sides. It is frustrating but I trust she knows what she is doing.

Rainbowsleepysloth · 05/04/2021 16:42

Also I just listen when she needs to talk it out (as does she) and we are planning to ditch the fams for some headspace as restrictions allow.
It is great that you care OP

Beautiful3 · 05/04/2021 16:42

The only person who can change this is your sister, I'm afraid. She will know when she feels ready to leave.

MindGrapes · 05/04/2021 16:44

Are you in a relationship yourself OP? If you've got a loving and attentive partner then I can understand how this bloke will show himself up in comparison. It must be hard to say anything especially if it seems like it's coming from a place of 'having the perfect relationship' or whatever (I know none are perfect but this might be how it's perceived by your sister).

My friends put up with loads of stuff with their partners I'd be reeling at 'accepting' from my partner but I think they can at least talk about it with their partners and are on the same wavelength. I assume this doesn't seem like something your sister and DH can do?

AmyLou100 · 05/04/2021 16:45

Your sister chose to have two kids with him knowing how he is. He didn't just change overnight? Why are you angry at the situation when it's your sister who accepts it?

Wishihadanalgorithm · 05/04/2021 16:48

I’d ask he if she wants you to offer solutions when she moans about her husband or if she just wants you to listen.

When people moan about their situations but do nothing to help improve them I struggle to have patience. If they have the capacity to change then do so, if not, then stop moaning. I think I would take this approach with your sister. Her husband sounds useless but clearly it isn’t so bad that she wants to leave.

Next time she moans ask her if she wants to just unload and if that is all she wants then let her talk but don’t pay much attention and accept she doesn’t want your help.

If she does want help, then tell her she needs to start making changes so she can get off this Merry-go-round because moaning whilst not doing anything about it is only making you worried.

AmyLou100 · 05/04/2021 16:52

When people moan about their situations but do nothing to help improve them I struggle to have patience. If they have the capacity to change then do so, if not, then stop moaning.

Exactly. You are wasting precious headspace here when your sister is carrying on life with him.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 05/04/2021 16:53

I could have written that a few years ago Op. but the children were my sisters step children. They also had DC with each other. Her stepchildren were little shits just horrible and as adults they're the same. Her husband is a lazy and selfish man. I wish she'd leave. But I know she never will sadly.

Bul21ia · 05/04/2021 16:57

This is common OP.

Your sister may moan to you. She probably is unhappy some of the time not all the time.

There’s nothing you can do.
People will leave when they are ready she probably loves him and she has kids..

Tistheseason17 · 05/04/2021 16:59

TBH - it can be really hard hearing someone continuously moan about their predicament but do nothing to change it.

Wasn't it Einstein who said the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.

Listening is good, but it will become tiresome and frustrating over time. Just remember that she chose to marry him and have children with him - we all have different relationship balances. Perhaps remind her of the positive things he does do.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/04/2021 17:01

If you've already told her she should leave him, from now on you grit your teeth and close your mouth unless she specifically asks for help. The most you should say is 'I'm here to help if you ever want to change things'. If you criticize him or keep telling her she needs to LTB if she's just having a moan chances are you'll just alienate her. She knows the truth about him and the life she's living. She'll either make up her mind to leave, or she won't.

It's a very very delicate path to trod. Been there, done that.

PanamaPattie · 05/04/2021 17:07

Many women make unfortunate choices when they choose the father of their children. It's the smart ones that end the relationship sooner rather than later - but some women you just cannot help or reach. Your sister is probably regretting her choice but isn't strong enough to do anything about it.

Original poster
Okbussitout · 05/04/2021 17:08

@AmyLou100

Your sister chose to have two kids with him knowing how he is. He didn't just change overnight? Why are you angry at the situation when it's your sister who accepts it?
Did I say I was angry? Bit of a reach? I said I was sad she wasn't happy.
OP posts:
Viviennemary · 05/04/2021 17:08

There is absolutely nothing you can do. But support her if she decides to leave.

SunshineCake · 05/04/2021 17:10

This is so hard to read. I have a friend who I know isn't happy in her marriage. I've pointed out a couple of his behaviours are not acceptable, and she knows it, but you can't make someone leave. Just be there for her, help her think about things much more clearly and if she does leave, be there..

ThePlantsitter · 05/04/2021 17:13

Don't go on about it. Constant criticism of him will feel like criticism of her, which it sort of is because she chose to marry him. The truth is you don't see the full picture, you can't. All you can do is stay in contact with her and be there so that when she's ready to leave the twat you can fully support her -- without saying 'I told you so'.

Original poster
Okbussitout · 05/04/2021 17:16

Thanks for the replies lots to think about. @MindGrapes yes I am in a relationship of 16+ years. I'm obviously sensitive to not making out like I'm in a perfect relationship. Because no nothing is perfect but also I know it's not helpful to compare.

But I do wonder if when we do talk and I am asked to give opiniona its more easily dismissed as my relationship being different so I don't know what it's like.

Also to every one replying I'm probably just having a little moan myself as I just feel helpless!

OP posts:
RickOShay · 05/04/2021 17:16

It is very hard watching somebody you love in a relationship with somebody who doesn’t see who they are.

I struggled with this for a long time. I’ve reached acceptance now, but I wasn’t always so calm about it. @Okbussitout have you got anybody you can let it out to? I did find that helpful. I feel for you, it was my sister too.

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