My sister's husband is a fucking nightmare

[Okbussitout]

Yes I know it's kind of none of my buisness but I love her and she's not happy. This is prompted by seeing them over the weekend.

She is married (12 years ish) with 2 dc aged approx 18 months and 4. Both early to mid 30s. The kids are wonderful and I love them with all my heart, I'm close to my sister too.

I obviously understand parenting two small children is hard and we're in a pandemic. But these issues have been around for years.

He's very set in his ways and uptight. He's useless with the kids, getting exasperated quickly. He huffs and puffs around about being exhausted but she does the lions share of childcare. Hes inattentive to the kids too. She definitely does all of the mental load. She will almost never leave him with both if them as he can't cope.

He's not considerate of her either. They don't have much in common and he's quite dismissive of her interests. He doesn't do loving and kind things for her.

We've talked plenty of times about him and their relationship she's said she's not happy. But then she never talks about leaving and equally knows he won't change.

I'm posting because I'm wondering how others deal with loved ones being in unhappy relationships. I'm sure somone will tell me it's not my life and I need to get one with things. I'm not saying I'm going to do anything. I'm also not saying everyone needs the same type of relationship. But she's said she's not happy. So it's not a judgement from me on the quality of her relationship. She's said it herself!

It's just a hard to be around and sometimes sharing can help. So if like to know if other have similar experiences and any ways to deal with it.

It’s incredibly hard to leave when you have young kids. She might be biding her time. As others have said, be there to listen and provide support as and when she needs it. Couples counselling would be a good suggestion when it feels right to mention it.

Do you know why she wanted to bring a second child into what must be an awful atmosphere for the children?

@Okbussitout I could have written your post. I can't stand my sisters husband and she has said multiple times how unhappy she is (usually when she's pissed) but when it comes to us broaching the subject she will ultimately defend him. They have an 11 year old and BIL loves to see him sat in front of the computer or tv rather than actually have to engage with him. He isn't even nice to my sister, he's really dismissive of her and he actually called her lazy to my mum not that long ago. This is completely untrue, my sister does all of the cooking, cleaning, child care and she works full time hours (often late nights) to fit around school etc. Ultimately I've found that BIL just wants to sit on his phone and doesn't have many friends IRL. He doesn't have much going on so he exerts control over my sister and it's fucking sad but there isn't anything you can do about it unfortunately.

My sister is in a horrible violent and mentally abusive relationship and its awful. So so horrible knowing how miserable she is and how trapped she feels. Generally I just keep my mouth shut, if she complains about him I always ask if she wants support or solutions- if support i just agree, call him names and tell her how brilliant she is. If solutions I tell her how she can get out, how I can help, how our dad can etc etc offer her to stay here, show her the evidence I've collected over the years. I find if I go to "you need to leave" every time then she stops confiding in me. I do refuse to let my kids be anywhere near him though which I know makes her life harder (eg if hes coming to a family bbq me and thr kids don't go, hes not invited to our house ever, wasn't invited to my wedding etc) but I cant have my kids near someone like that. Its such a horrible, hard situation and I can honestly say I wish he would just die as I cant see her getting away from him any other way

@Azerothi

Do you know why she wanted to bring a second child into what must be an awful atmosphere for the children?

She wanted two children. She also wanted a sibling for older dc. There are also some reasons to do with her / his heritage and her wanting dc to have the same heritage as each other. Sorry don't want to be too outing.

I also think that as she wanted two she felt she was in for a penny in for a pound type thing and might as well.

My sister's husband isn't who I would have chosen for her. It's hard. They have a challenging relationship (not violent, thank goodness) and she is constantly "working" at it, but from the outside it is obvious that she is the one doing all the hard work and worrying and he is actually quite a difficult person. He has a very high opinions of his opinions and undermines her constantly, but it is so subtle that she doesn't even see it and thinks the sun shines out of his arse and that they are jointly responsible for their problems.

She is so kind and loving and I just wish she had found someone like her to love her back with kindness. She could have has a wonderful supportive marriage with the right person, and instead her marriage is a source of stress and anxiety.

No help, sorry, but sympathy.

My soon to be ex SIL was an absolute bitch I've never disliked someone quite as much as I do her and that was from the minute I met her until the present day. I just learnt to tolerate her as she was my brothers wife and he was big enough and ugly enough to get out of the relationship if he chose to. Thankfully after 15 years she met some other mug and left my brother, she still continues to disrupt his life over child access but I no longer have to see her and he's met someone else who is much nicer. Sometimes you just have to grin and bear it.

@ShinyGreenElephantim so sorry your sister is in an abusive relationship.

I really identify with what you are saying about saying something like you need to leave and her stopping confiding. I think if I've been to forthright in the past she has withdrawn from telling me stuff.

Also identify with what @abeanbaked siad about control. I think a mix of arrogance and not having lots going on himself makes him prone to control.

Thanks for replies it's really good to hear input and have someone to talk to who isn't my dh.

I completely understand where you’re coming from and wish there were more people like you in the world but honestly you just have to accept and wait for her to make the decision on her own. The more people say he’s no good the more it will draw her to him so the best thing to do would be to say nothing at all.

A friend was in a horrid relationship with her ex. He was a nasty drunk, abused her mentally and financially but she would never leave. I think she was so scared of having to hand the kids over for access and felt that if she was there all the time, she could protect them.

I'd let her talk about it, but almost grey rock what she's saying because the likelihood is that she won't leave. I learned with my friend that I needed to keep some level of distance as it was horribly frustrating not being able to "do" something.

@Okbussitout all that you can really do is not let your relationship with her break down. It is so frustrating. My sister was really short on cash when she left her old job and began a new one, she asked my parents for money, meanwhile her 'DH' went away and bought a brand new massive tv. He didn't want to help her, I honestly think he likes to see her struggling sometimes just to remind her that she wouldn't be able to leave him.

My Grandad was a GP and people would often come with social problems (and associated depression), particularly unhappy marriages. He always said there are only 3 options in these scenarios:

1. Try to change the person, but experience says this almost never works.
2. Accept the situation.
3. Leave.

I totally get where you’re coming from. You just want the best for your sister and can’t bear to see her unhappy. These things have a way of sorting themselves out - she’ll get to a point when she’s had enough. I watched my sister in similar circs and it came to a head and they split up eventually. I was there to help her pick up the pieces. As someone else said - just remind her that if she ever needs to talk you’re there - you sound like a lovely, caring sister so she will know this anyway xx

I have a couple of friends whose sisters have tough times with their husbands.. all you can do is be there and listen.. x

Thanks for the replies. I know just being there is what I need to do. I'll maybe bookmark or screen shot the replies to remind myself.

I try really hard to keep our relationship good. Even when there are times he's spoiled family occasions or days our etc. I know it's shit for her too so I just leave it.