So confused by his behaviour

[Samlou78]

I ended my 3 year long distance relationship with my fiance because of his constant ignoring me for days when he didn't feel like talking which led to me being stressed anxious and worried. I just couldnt cope with it anymore.
He said he fully understood why I'd done it and he was sorry. He then reached out a week later and said he didnt want to lose me so we spoke but he still avoided the issue of what the problem was. I asked if I could send him a letter explaining my feelings and he said yes it would do us both good. So I sent my letter saying that when he ignores me it hurts me and upsets me so much and I need it to stop if we are to carry on. He said my letter made him see himself differently and he needed to think.
Fast forward a week and he sent a message yesterday saying the man I describe in my letter is shallow and selfish and hes never seen himself that way and if I think that of him I should be glad to be rid of him. Today he has sent more messages saying I've broken his heart and being quite horrible about it all! He has completely failed to mention the whole point, which is that he ignores me. No explanation of why, no apologies or saying he will stop doing it, just blaming it all on me for speaking up. It's like he doesnt want to admit hes done anything wrong and turned it all around to make me look like the bad person. I explained earlier that all it would take is for him to say he knows hes wrong for doing it continuously and he will change for the sake of our relationship but he either can't or wont and now I feel I've done something wrong by saying anything in the first place.
Please can anyone make sense of this, why would someone rather lose someone they love than admit they've hurt them and try and sort it out?
Have I done something wrong? Please be honest.

Because he's a controlling abuser and this is what they do.

You are well rid of him.

@sjfjsnfkdhsbd

Because he's a controlling abuser and this is what they do.

You are well rid of him.

Exactly this.

They use whatever tactic they think will best manipulate you. Atm it seems he is trying to get you to doubt your decision and second guess yourself.
He is gaslighting you by making out that you are the one that's displayed hurtful behaviour to him! Rather than appologise, he wants you to feel like the bad guy and to twist your head so much that you end up taking him back.

Its mindmelting bs.

You've finished it. So finish it. Block and delete him for good. He will never change and any appology that comes (likely only as a last resort to try and con you when he realises his current tactic isnt working) is not genuine.

Read up on narcissists and 'narcissistic hoovering' (the things they do to try and con you into taking them back).

He is abusive. He means you harm. Keep him gone.

I've been looking up toxic behaviour and narcissists and gaslighting. He seems to have some but not all traits of each one.
He has ended it with me yesterday and doesnt want me back by what hes saying, I dont know if he wants me to beg and plead.
My head is completely messed up and baffled.
What you are saying makes sense I just cant understand people who do these things, especially to people they say they love and cant live without.

@Missingthebridegene

Rather than being abusive do you think he's somewhere on the autistic spectrum!? X

I've no idea. Its not something I know anything about.

It is immaterial why. What matters is that he repeatedly does something that you rightly won't tolerate. He won't recognise this. Just dump the fucker forget and move on to someone with normal responses. It's not worth any effort or mental energy at all

He's just trying to get the last word (and punch) in.

Block and get on with your life without this pompous and neglectful, gaslighting and abusive twat making it so miserable.

A relationship shouldn't be this hard. You should feel valued and wanted instead of your head being in a mess became of his behaviour. Please block him & don't engage if he manages to get in touch.

I agree, it’s all about control. Just move on with your life, it would be so much worse living with him!! Seriously think what your life would be like with him, not good.
Move on and find Mr Right x

They don't need all of the key traits to be narcissists. Only a couple. Because none of their behaviour is remotely normal.

And the fact is, his behaviour is not ok.

Of course you dont understand it. Because you are a normal , empathetic human being. He, is not.

Stop trying to understand him. He is a vile specimen. Untangle yourself and run.

He would have turned it around no matter what you wrote, because that's what they do. You've done the right thing, honestly.

He's still ignoring you.

He might be in contact but he's not communicating with you.

Move on. He’s a head wrecker

Throw this one back in the swamp where he belongs.

People that hurt others, manipulate, gaslight, etc, do so because there’s something wrong inside them OP. None of this is about you or your fault.
He clearly has his own issues he needs to address, shifting the blame onto you and making you the bad guy is obviously easier for him.
You are well shot of him, even if right now it doesn’t feel like it.
I’m sorry it went like that

@Samlou78 well aren't you a lucky girl !!! Good riddance to bad rubbish
Block his number and all his media
Move on .. meet up with some good friends and celebrate how great it is to be free of the narcissistic head fuck

Have since found more messages saying he wishes I hadn't sent the letter because he would rather hear my issues face to face....I have tried telling him on occasions we have been together and nothing ever changed.
I haven't responded to any messages. Hes all nice one minute then being aggressive the next.
Thank you all for commenting, I just needed to know that it wasnt me or that I wasnt imagining things.
Three times today he has said I wont hear from him again then hes sent a text a while later. I'm not bothering to reply because he isnt listening so no point.

Agree with pp, he is gaslighting you. My ex does this. Note he is an ex.

This guy does not care one jot about your feelings and when you voice them he makes it all about him. Playing the victim in his own life story. Just dump him. Easier said than done I know, but it does get easier.

He just wants your attention OP. As soon as he has it, he feels he will hold all the cards and will either a) go on to berate you or b) go back to ignoring you again. His way if making sure you stay 'in your place'. Definitely ignore and block if you can.

@Missingthebridegene
Rather than being abusive do you think he's somewhere on the autistic spectrum!?
Can we stop excusing abusive arseholes as autistic, it’s an insult to ppl with autism/aspergers etc!!
My DS21 has Aspergers and is incredibly polite and respectful, and well aware of right and wrong, please just stop with it!!

@HerMammy my impression is that this man ISNT abusive but that he does not understand the impact of not speaking for afew days, and is lacking theory of mind which SOME people with ASD do. You're right everyone on the spectrum is different, so whilst your son has good social skills, others very much struggle with this. I'm speaking from experience of being in two relationships with people who it transpired were on the spectrum. And they weren't abusive!

It's not just not speaking for a few days it's not answering the phone and ignoring messages when he KNOWS how much it worries me (due to him having heart attack and being in hospital a couple of years ago and he couldnt let me know) it's the fact that he will sit and watch his phone ringing knowing full well I'm sitting here stressing out and still not pick up and then ignore a message I'll send asking him to please let me know hes ok.

Text this "Oh do fuck off, you boring narcissistic drama queen". Then block him and don't give him a seconds extra thought. He's not worth it.

@Missingthebridegene

Please stop perpetuating autistic myths. Abusive does not equal autistic. And just because you have known two autistic people does not make you an expert. Your views are very harmful to the autistic community.

@HerMammy - I am similar to your son. I believe I am polite and respectful, have a very strong sense of right and wrong and if I upset someone I really hate myself for it - and absolutely try not to make same mistake again.

OP - your ex sounds like he’s playing games with you. Block and ignore.

This won’t improve, imagine this if you had kids in the future. Ignoring you is a horrible thing to do. Please don’t ruin your life by being with an abusive man.