How should I deal with this

[Couchpotato69]

I have reason to suspect my husband might have had an affair/be having an affair or really like a work colleague more than he should!
I won’t go into details of the whys of the above but he knows I’m uncomfortable with this relationship. We are going through a bad patch just now and he has been sent away to work (we are not in the U.K.) and this work colleague has to go with him.

He obviously is saying he isn’t having an affair/ hasn’t had an affair and doesn’t like this colleague any more than he should, however, I beg to differ with the things I’ve found out.
He has been honest with me and said on the days they are not working they will be hanging out together and will be having dinner at night together.

I’m not comfortable with this and he knows it. He says he will be spending time with her because it’s better than them both being alone, and then both sitting in their own rooms. I’ve asked him how I’m meant to feel about that, he has said “i don’t know how your meant to feel, I can’t help how you feel, what do you want me to do, would you rather I sit. In my room all by myself.

I’ve liked the fact he is being honest with me, he says he will be contacting me all the time when I’m away, said it’s just work, she is his boss etc.

I’m really torn.

I can understand how hard this will be for you, but given it's work I don't see that he has a choice? Forcing him not to go is taking away one opportunity. If he wants to stray he will, taking away the opportunity is a short term solution to a bigger problem. Is he willing to work on the problems in your marriage?

He says he is but I feel he isn’t because he is going to be working away. He could potentially be away for quite a few months although she won’t be. He could have said he doesn’t want to go, he could have said he will go but isn’t willing to be away for long periods of time however he won’t do this because he is thinking of the money situation (he gets paid an awful lot more money to work away).

To me it just feels like my feelings and thoughts are taken into account. He has said he doesn’t want her to feel alone, but then he hasn’t said anything about how I’m going to feel sitting at home.

I'm not really sure what you're asking. Are you asking him to not go, or refuse to spend any time with his boss, and therefore likely affect his career - because you're worrying about him doing something which he hasn't done? You can't ask him not to spend any time with a colleague because of your insecurities.

Do you have any proof or evidence to suggest he's already having an affair with her?

OP, can you please elaborate on the reasons you suspect infidelity?

I am also not sure why you suspect an affair. Is it that they are hanging out while they are away, which shouldn't be an issue on its own, or has something happened before their going away that has made you worried

Why do you suspect him of having an affair? If you don’t trust him then you should start making decisions about whether you want to be with him or not

You say you have reasons to suspect an affair - what are these?

If these are solid, I think it's reasonable to expect him to spend evenings alone rather than with this person - socialising after work isn't obligatory. I think it's a giant fuck you from him to say you're being unfair to ask him not to socialise with her, if he has provably behaved inappropriately with her before. Heaven forbid his actual behaviour should have inconvenient consequences for him!

Last time he was working away he told me he wasn’t happy in our marriage (I was completely blindsided by this). They have worked together in the past and worked away and I didn’t have a problem with this but I noticed the past couple of times when he was away and she joined him he would only call me during the day for a couple of minutes, when she’s not there he would be calling me 3/4 times a day. If he video called me during his break in the morning, if she was coming towards him he would hang up. When I questioned this, he said “she’s my boss” to which I replied but you were calling me on your break.

There have been multiple searches for her on his social media (he doesn’t have her as a friend on social media said he did this just to see what her pictures looked like as he said she is good looking). He was drunk one night at home and he said she and him tell each other their marriage problems! When I asked him about this when he was sober, he clamed up said he doesn’t remember and he can’t remember talking to her about our marriage or hers.

He was secretive with his phone (he isn’t now though). Talks about her constantly. Telling me I should go to this gym and have this trainer and do these types of exercises because she does this.

There was a time just a couple of weeks ago we were going for dinner, I popped into a shop my husband was waiting outside but had his back to me, I came out the shop and was approaching him and his phone rang he answered it but when he answered it he turned round, saw I was then standing next to him, got quite flustered and said “hi what’s is it I’m out shopping”. He obviously said it was about work but why is she calling him when it’s his day off, he doesn’t have one of those jobs where he needs to work when he isn’t in the office and anyway we were going out for dinner! When I asked why she was calling him on his day off, he just shrugged his shoulders and said it’s about work and she wanted to ask my opinion on something.

We had a row last night about it, I was upset he stormed up to his bed but not before replying “im getting accused of shagging her so I might as well do it”!

I don’t have 100% proof but the things I’ve listed are the reasons why I think something might or had be going on or he has a thing for her.

Sometimes another manager will go with him when he is working away. (a male manager), if my husband is on his break and video calls me, and that male manager approaches him, my husband will say “im on my break speaking to my wife”!

If you don’t trust him then you should start making decisions about whether you want to be with him or not
This is the only thing you can do.

You can't make him sit on his own in the evenings. Even if you made him promise to do that, if they are having an affair, they will continue to do so.

There is no trust there anymore is there?

He's certainly setting the scene for shagging her and telling you it's your own fault you "drove" him to it.

There's nothing you can do really, except decide how much you are going to tolerate. His head has clearly been turned and he's determined to pursue it and cast you as the possessive maniac.

Personally I'd be getting my shit together to split up.

You have to let him know that the trust has gone and it's no longer the marriage you want. When he told you he wasn't happy - did it coincide with him being away with her? Only he knows the truth of his feelings and or actions. To say he might as well shag her is horrendous, but very telling. It's as though he's using your worries to give him permission. If you talk about splitting up, how does he react? Is that a little too convenient for him? Tread carefully, because he will treat it as free reign for a shag fest with her and then come crawling back once it's over. I get the feeling this has to be your final decision. Can you draw a line and move on?

Thanks everyone, I’m kind of thinking that too.

We did split up a few weeks ago as I told him to go. He went to his mums and told his mum I thought he was having an affair he told her he wasn’t, she called me and asked me what was going on and to speak to her (his mum is brilliant), so she asked him about his boss and he told her there is nothing going on, she is just a work colleague. He told our adult daughter that there was nothing going on with this work colleague either.

He was the one that asked to come back, and because we have been married so long I thought I would give him the benefit of the doubt and work on things but I’ve said if there was/is anything going on it would be finished.

He has also said if there was anything going on, he would have hidden the fact that she was going, that they would be hanging about outside work as there would be no way I would find out about her going or then hanging about.

My daughter and his mum have both said they don’t think he is cheating, but I just don’t know, it’s in my head now and I can’t get rid of that thought. Lots of thinking to do.

SummerWhisper yes she was with him when he told me he wasn’t happy.

He doesn’t want us to split up as I’ve said in my post above, he went to stay with his mum for a couple of weeks and he was distraught. He has told me he doesn’t want anyone else only me. He is making plans for us both in the future.

He keeps telling me why would he want to have an affair with her she is also married, but she has young kids. our kids are up now and we have more freedom and he does talk about this and seems excited about the things we can do, and the kids are tying us to not have more freedom, so he says why would he jeopardise that to be with someone who has kids in primary school and one just about to start school, but then why say he is getting accused of the affair so he should just have one?

I’m so confused.

You will never ever trust him again.
The resentment will set in and that will be the end.

I gave my ex the benefit of the doubt, too. In the end it became obvious that something was definitely going on. It's up to you how long you wait for more definite proof. The waiting is torture, but the knowledge that it is not just your imagination is helpful.

His argument that he would be more secretive doesn't hold water in practice, unfortunately. He might, of course, be telling the truth and totally innocent. But some cheaters enjoy the fact that they can be open about it, knowing their partner can't actually prove anything.

If he can get away with shagging her, why wouldn’t he ?
He can have his cake and eat it.
Think about how you would feel in 5 years time if you found out he was lying and had an affair, would you think you’d wasted your life ?
If he wanted to save his marriage he wouldn’t go.

He keeps telling me why would he want to have an affair with her she is also married, but she has young kids.
He's not going to confess. It's not worth discussing the theory of whether or not he would have an affair with her. Step back, stop discussing it as it will just drive you mad. Decide how long you want to wait to see if you get further proof.

It's really odd: it's as though he has weighed up being with her against being with you. It's also odd that he didn't say it's because he has no feelings for her. He is sidestepping on a grand scale. You need to have an in-depth conversation about him telling you that he was unhappy. You need to ask him directly if they have had sex or other intimacies like kissing. You need to ask him exactly what made him unhappy. You need to be persistent. You need to tell him that the truth is all that will work from this point forward. If he was really so distraught, how come he's going away with her again, jnowing that it's a hand grenade into your marriage? Is the money so important? Tell him you'd rather he didn't go. See how much he fights to go. There's your answer.

I don’t want to be accused of being sexist here, but my DS is a bare faced liar, my DH lies and my DF had an affair when married to my DM.
I just don’t trust males I’m afraid.

I think he is unsure about what he wants. Difficult as she’s his boss too, not just a colleague.

The comment about you potentially going to they gym makes me think that he sees you as having put on a few pounds and not being the way you used to be.

The grass is always greener.

I wonder if he’s thinking...if she was feeling the same they could both leave their partners at the same time to be together in the future, but the timing isn’t quite right yet so he’ll hold on to you as a back up plan in case she bottles out of leaving her DH, etc...

I think the trust is gone. He’s trying to shift the blame to you and make you the justification for being all ‘I might as well shag her then’.

You’re better than nothing/no one.

I think it’s time for you both to separate. Sorry you’re going through this.

@Couchpotato69 You need to stop this and trust your husband. You are actually doing a good job of pushing him away and risking what you suspect may be happening. The fact is you don't know, so these constant accusations are the problem, not the possible affair. It's exhausting for both of you being constantly accused of infidelity

You may be right and he may be having this affair, but without proof you need to back off and have some trust, but be prepared in case he is.

Lines have been crossed. Your H is attracted to OW and is prioritizing her to your detriment. He is clearly infatuated, and I would assume that something has happened between them, an EA or PA, and it appears to be ongoing.

OP, it is troubling that he expressed his unhappiness with your marriage while away with OW. That was a cruel and manipulative move. Perhaps he put that emotional distance between you to self-justify his inappropriate behavior with OW. I too am curious about subsequent discussions regarding his claim of unhappiness.

He has shown you great disrespect:
*Constant mentionitis.
*Secretive phone behavior until recently.
*Admits searching OW’s photos because she is attractive.
*Encourages you to use her gym, trainer and exercises. He is admiring her body and comparing yours.
*Admits mutual confiding about marital problems. This shows that they communicate on an emotional level, which builds intimacy. Discussing your marriage with her is a betrayal.
*Communicates with you less when away with OW. If she approaches during his break, he cuts you off, yet doesn’t when male managers approach.

*Is willing to jeopardize your marriage by spending personal daily/evening 1:1 time with OW during the upcoming trip “so she won’t be alone,” despite your great discomfort.

OP, he is not behaving like a distraught man who wants to work on his marriage. He is electing to work away for months. He continues to dismiss and devalue your reasonable feelings and boundaries regarding OW.

His contemptuous threat “I might as well shag her” is meant to make you shut up and back off. Clearly he is deflecting blame and is again creating distance between you to justify any infidelity/disloyalty. His “honesty” about their spending personal time together sounds like a manipulative move meant to throw you off the scent. If you expect him to be out of pocket and unavailable, he can hide in plain sight.

I would no longer be able to trust or feel emotionally safe with this man. I would be done with him.

.