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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

3rd Anniversary of dads death yesterday and boyfriend didn’t mention anything?

43 replies

Fightingback16 · 04/04/2021 07:23

I am upset about this, should I be?

Boyfriend of six months never even asked me how I was or came to see me yesterday. It was only after I said I had a migraine in the evening and didn’t feel well that he said anything. He knew about the anniversary, his own mum sent me hugs.

My dads passing was extremely difficult and was a catalyst to end my abusive marriage, I had a nervous breakdown afterwards all of which he knows. The anniversary is a difficult time for me with so many emotions so I kind of hoped he would of said something.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 04/04/2021 07:25

He may have been waiting for you to take the lead in asking for help/support. Some people don’t want things like that mentioning.

Grief is a personal thing

ContractClockAndCrucible · 04/04/2021 07:38

He's not wrong and you're not wrong. It's an important date for you but not for him. Personally I'm not someone who remembers or dwells on such things. I know my dad died in the month of August but couldn't tell you what day. When you say he knew it was the anniversary, had you reminded him recently or just mentioned the date in the past? How did his mother know?

AmyLou100 · 04/04/2021 07:42

Sorry you are having a tough time op. You are a bit unreasonable though in placing such expectations on a bf of only 6 months. He probably doesn't fully understand how it affected you given its only 6 months and still getting to know you? Also people who haven't gone through such types of losses may not understand like you would.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 04/04/2021 07:44

@Sirzy

He may have been waiting for you to take the lead in asking for help/support. Some people don’t want things like that mentioning.

Grief is a personal thing

I agree. I don't mark these dates at all (parents died within 18 months of each other). Grief is a private and solitary activity, in my opinion.
Original poster
Fightingback16 · 04/04/2021 07:47

Ok I am being a bit unreasonable then. Wasn’t expecting much just a how are you, hope you ok or something. I won’t make a deal out of it Blush

OP posts:
Wiredforsound · 04/04/2021 07:50

Why would you make a deal out of it?

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 04/04/2021 07:52

Because I was emotional and upset at the world.

OP posts:
nohelp · 04/04/2021 07:55

Way too much expectations on a 6 month relationship. He’s not a mind reader. You need to be honest about what you want.

ElphabaTheGreen · 04/04/2021 07:56

The fourth anniversary of my DM’s sudden death fell on Mother’s Day this year. DH completely forgot about both - I was far more upset that he’d forgotten Mother’s Day to be honest! Had he put some consideration into the coincidence of the dates I’d have been very touched, but really would have seen it as a bonus. I don’t remember the date of my best friend’s mum’s death (she was like another mum to me) other than ‘mid-December’. I don’t anticipate making an annual ritual of DH’s dad’s death who passed in February. If you want support on the day, I do think you need to make a move first and ask for it - people often don’t know what a bereaved person wants, and some people do just want to be left alone!

Sorry for your loss though OP Flowers

sammylady37 · 04/04/2021 07:56

6 months in and you expect him to have taken on board that it’s 3 years since your dad died which was the catalyst for you to leave an abusive relationship and tot had a nervous breakdown, his mum knows the significant date and you were considering ‘making a big deal’ of him not acknowledging the date. 6 months in??? Waaaaaay too much. Too full on.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/04/2021 08:00

Yeh sorry OP, I lost both my parents by the time I was 21 so I get grief but I wouldn’t expect your bf to acknowledge it. Hope you are ok!

Cuntryhouse · 04/04/2021 08:06

I think it's shit, op. Not to even mention it is shit. It's awkward, but just a quick, I'm here for you today, here's some nice flowers etc. Not a big deal, but an acknowledgement is needed.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 04/04/2021 08:13

I guess everyone is different and expects different things. I was 30 when dad died and held his hand and it was so traumatic. I have been open with boyfriend and he knew the date.

OP posts:
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 04/04/2021 08:17

I am wondering when you told him the date or last mentioned it? Eg if you said to him in the last few days, 'Dad's anniversary is On Saturday, I still find it hard, it was such a difficult time' then I would expect him to check in but I think in the UK people are quite hands off about people's grief so I wouldn't be too tough on him but you might need to be more direct around what you need. Sorry about your DDad and well done on getting out of your marriage.

Cuntryhouse · 04/04/2021 08:18

I would just say that it would have been polite to acknowledge his death and what was a difficult day for you, you didn't expect a big deal, but certainly an acknowledgement.

ThereforeIAm · 04/04/2021 08:21

He might have forgotten, he might have felt awkward, he might not have thought it was so important to you. How did his mother know?

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 04/04/2021 08:28

I posted a pic of my dad on social media.

OP posts:
JeffTheOracle · 04/04/2021 08:39

When I was coming up to a difficult anniversary I told my fiance it was on x day and I was going to struggle that day so that he knew

I don't think it's fair to expect him to remember the date off his own back - is he an avid SM user to know you'd posted a picture of your dad?

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 04/04/2021 08:41

Yes he is a big social media user. He new the day let’s leave it at that.

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 04/04/2021 08:45

All I would say is that if you plan on being in this relationship for the long term you try and find a way to let your bf know that this kind of stuff is important to you.
Everyone deals with this kind of thing differently, he needs to know for another time.

Dissimilitude · 04/04/2021 08:52

Some people are comfortable with public grief and expect others to respond to it. Some aren’t.

I’m one of the ones who isn’t. Grief is a private thing to me. What I expect from others is informed not only by what I need or want, but what I know they are capable of comfortable with.

Kittykat93 · 04/04/2021 08:59

The thing is op you should have spoken to him and told him how you feel and that you need some support. By just posting on social media it almost seems a bit passive aggressive and sorry attention seeking. I've lost both parents at a young age so understand the grief but my partner doesn't know the dates of the anniversaries and I dont expect him to.

Vodkabulary · 04/04/2021 08:59

I’m sorry for your loss OP sounds like it has been very difficult for you Flowers

I don’t really think either of your are “wrong”. We all deal and acknowledge anniversaries of this type of thing differently. My dad died a few years ago and I don’t expect anyone else to remember or really acknowledge it and in the same token I don’t make a big fuss on the day DH dad died. His family post all over social media photos memories etc because that’s their style (nothing wrong with that) but DH knows and understands I honour and remember death anniversaries differently so wouldnt think to check in on someone after the 1st anniversary. Doesn’t make me a horrible person just I think people like their space and don’t want to be intrusive

LemonRoses · 04/04/2021 09:03

Do you need grief counselling, perhaps? I think your expectations are a bit excessive for a new relationship where your boyfriend didn’t know your father. I can’t see why he would make a fuss about it, to be honest.

Lindy2 · 04/04/2021 09:15

I think it might be a bit tricky for him to know how to handle it. It's a fairly new relationship so he might not be sure if you want it mentioned if you are not actually mentioning it yourself.

A lot of people struggle to talk about death and grief.

It's the 10 year anniversary of my dad's death. I don't tend to mention it to anyone but I think about him. If I mentioned it to DH he'd probably say gosh has it been 10 years already, but not anything about grief. It doesn't mean he doesn't care.

If you want to talk to your boyfriend about your dad then start a conversation about it. Perhaps tell him some of your happy memories about him as I'm assuming he never met him and won't know much about him.