3rd Anniversary of dads death yesterday and boyfriend didn’t mention anything?

[Fightingback16]

I am upset about this, should I be?

Boyfriend of six months never even asked me how I was or came to see me yesterday. It was only after I said I had a migraine in the evening and didn’t feel well that he said anything. He knew about the anniversary, his own mum sent me hugs.

My dads passing was extremely difficult and was a catalyst to end my abusive marriage, I had a nervous breakdown afterwards all of which he knows. The anniversary is a difficult time for me with so many emotions so I kind of hoped he would of said something.

I'm sorry for your loss. My mum died when I was in my twenties and it sometimes feels like she's been forgotten.

Some people will approach and give me their sympathies, some people will say nothing at all in fear of getting it wrong and some people do forget.

It's still very early in your relationship. If you reach out to him this year to explain how hard it is for you and be direct with your needs at this time, he will understand and see your distress. Next year he's much more likely to reach out first.

Oh, given he absolutely knew the date and the photo on SM he would have seen, he should have at least asked how you were.

Is he otherwise emotionally illiterate?

He may not have experienced loss himself, it's hard to imagine how it feels if you haven't.

It doesn't take losing someone to ask "how are you?"

Op I think even if he knew about it, it really too much for a 6 month relationship. He may not know how to even approach you. What support did you need from him that would be comfortable for a 6 month relationship. I do think he should have asked if you are ok though.

I'm like you and remember dates very clearly. My husband doesn't. We both lost our fathers six months apart. I'll message his mum on the anniversary of his dad dying - just something along the lines of "thinking of you" but to my husband it's just another day. When it comes to the anniversary of my own dad I struggle for a week or two beforehand with the memories of his last few weeks and my husband knows what I am going through and is very supportive. But I am very clear in telling him why I am struggling and the support I want from him.

What I wanted from him would have been a simple thinking of you or along those lines nothing else. I’m probably just being overly needy.

I didn't know whether to mention my boyfriend's dad on Father's Day or not. I'd only been with my boyfriend a few months and never met his father. I brought it up if he was thinking of his dad and if he was ok (it's been 4 years) and he said he hadn't had been but he is now. I spent all day stressing whether to bring it up or not though.

I'm sorry about your dad. Grief is so personal x

Not overly needy at all. You’re not compatible. He isn’t emotionally available. Asking “how are you today” is the basic of a relationship in my opinion

@Fightingback16

I guess everyone is different and expects different things. I was 30 when dad died and held his hand and it was so traumatic. I have been open with boyfriend and he knew the date.

I held my mum's hand when she died, that was traumatic too but I didn't even remember the anniversary myself this year. It's not something I really want to dwell on and I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to ask me how I am on the anniversary. Take this in the spirit it's intended, but perhaps you need to explore your own feelings about death so you can move on with life. Life is too short for this.

Set your expectations for the relationship, if it’s the sort of thing you expect then let him know up front. Expecting him to magically know what you need around a traumatic experience is unreasonable (not that you feel you’d like support, that’s fine), as we’re all different and cope in various ways.

Six months into the relationship is still very early days and you still are very much getting to know one another. I have seen two people pass over (one family member and on very close friend), grief can hit differently on different years. Sometimes I need to reach out and talk, others I’ll privately and quietly reflect.

In the kindest way possible OP, are you a shade co-dependant? As I’ve noticed with a lot of survivors of abuse, there can be a susceptibility to that as it’s one of the mechanisms abusers exploit. It may be worth exploring all of this with some counselling maybe?

Anyway condolences for your father. I hope things pan out for you.

I don’t think you should be upset with your boyfriend. I think your expectations of him were unreasonable.

What I wanted from him would have been a simple thinking of you or along those lines nothing else. I’m probably just being overly needy.

Make sure that your relationship does meet your emotional needs - when you come out of an abusive relationship, it's quite common to fall into similar patterns (not necessarily abusive, but rubbishy relationships), so do go carefully and don't second-guess your gut too much. If you're calling yourself needy and downgrading your expectations, it might be a sign things are not right.

@Fightingback16

What I wanted from him would have been a simple thinking of you or along those lines nothing else. I’m probably just being overly needy.

Calmly let him know that then

Some people ‘mark’ death dates and others don’t. I prefer to celebrate the memory of the person on their birthday rather than grieve them on their death day. A close family member disagrees and thinks my view is hurtful.

I just think people have different ways of dealing with grief.

My mums dad (my grandad) died in February. On his birthday a couple of weeks ago I asked my mum how she was and she wanted to reminisce about him. I phoned my grandma and she didn’t want to talk about it.

People deal with grief in different ways and there’s no way of knowing what type of support they want. You have to communicate what type of support you want, people aren’t mind readers. So in this case YABU.

Fightingback16
I guess everyone is different and expects different things. I was 30 when dad died and held his hand and it was so traumatic. I have been open with boyfriend and he knew the date.
I held my mum's hand when she died, that was traumatic too but I didn't even remember the anniversary myself this year. It's not something I really want to dwell on and I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to ask me how I am on the anniversary. Take this in the spirit it's intended, but perhaps you need to explore your own feelings about death so you can move on with life. Life is too short for this

Op, I agree with this poster. You can view holding your father’s hand as he died to be traumatic or you can take comfort from the fact that you were there with him til and at the very end, that the last thing he knew was the comforting touch of a loved one. That’s how I view the fact that I held my father’s hand as he died. I’m glad and proud that I was there for him at that point. I don’t mean this to be harsh and as a pp said, take it in the spirit in which it’s intended.

Except in your example, you asked, autumnalrain - you asked your mum, you asked your gran - you were also affected by his death, but you asked the other people mourning him how they were/what they wanted. Op's boyfriend didn't ask.