Dating/Meeting up with someone

Redruby2020 · 2021-04-03T11:36:46+00:00

I just wanted to find out what others do or would, and more to the point how they manage to meet up with a new guy etc. Before anyone says you just don't or child should come first, my DC does 100%. And from reading other posts where people say it is normal to feel the loss of freedom, fed up, exhausted etc, I certainly feel it and don't feel bad for saying it. It also depends on the child's age and what help and support there is, and whether they are in nursery or school etc. I wouldn't think of having my child there when meeting up with someone, and I wouldn't expect the guy to expect the child to be there either. It is different further down the line when you are looking at a longer term relationship. And I think well how does it work?! DC is with me 99% of the time, contact with his father has had to be stopped for the time being, and my DP's do help well I like to think it's because they actually want to see their GC, I haven't asked very often because we had to stay with them last year, and prior to that I wouldn't of asked a lot because I was still living with exP then. Like I've heard of some being lucky that they have a nanny or someone who does childminding who is at uni etc, and obviously built up a relationship with the person. I've heard of people using childminders or similar who do over night stays, but obviously to me I think that is not something you can do just like that, it would be wrong as the child does not know that person. Is it selfish to think, if you can't get time away how is this it forever 🤦♀️ One person suggested that it free's up some time when they go to school etc, but then most guys would be working, and also that person has a DH and they struggle but she is a full time mum, where as I, will not have the choice to be free whilst DC is in day care. So yeah, I am looking forward to hearing what views/experiences people have.

catmumandhumanmum · 03/04/2021 13:07

Not judging, of course you should want to meet someone else, being alone forever isn't for everyone.
I would explain to your parents that you would like to date again, would they mind having your child one evening a week to allow to you to have a few hours out? If you don't ask then they won't know to offer.
When you do know someone better you could invite them round to yours to stay downstairs after the children have gone to bed.

I don't know what's happened with your ex and maybe there is good reason for him not seeing your DC but if there is a possibility of him maintaining regular contact again then that gives you free time.

Some men work shifts so there is a possibility of only dating during school hours when they have a day off, although a bit limiting you never know.

Happycat1212 · 03/04/2021 13:35

I’m a lone parent, I haven’t dated in 4 years at all because I have my children all the time my ex isn’t on the scene and parents don’t help. People do say the school thing but I don’t think that’s workable as like you said most people work during the day. Starting to think I will be alone forever so following for advice as well the ones I know who do manage it it is because they introduce their children very early on which wouldn’t be something I would do

jimmyjammy001 · 03/04/2021 13:49

You may get child free time sorted eventually to go out on dates but then the next problem will be finding a bloke who is willing to date someone who allready has got children and the challenges it brings to a potential long term relationship, there may be single dads out there who would be willing to give it ago as they would be on the same page, but a childless bloke 99% of the time is not going to want anything to do with that sort of lifestyle as they can currently do what ever they want when they want with no restrictions and so are likely to be looking for someone similar to their set up unfortunately.

camsue · 03/04/2021 13:55

Life isn't always what we plan. If you have children they are your primary responsibility. Don't date unless you can arrange
Babysitting. Don't bring a man into their lives until they are old enough to voice their opinions. If kids don't want him in their lives wait till kids have left home. I know many will disagree with this but protecting your kids is more important than having a relationship.

ThereforeIAm · 03/04/2021 14:10

It’s hard as I have my dc 100% of the time and I gave up. I did use babysitters to go out from time to time but found that harder as they got older in a way.

I also found blokes would act like the children didn’t exist and would invite themselves round in the evening for a takeaway and a glass of wine (a shag.) When I would say, what about the children, or what happens in the morning, they would look completely blank like the thought had not crossed their mind.

If you have grandparents to help, that’s the best way if your dc can stay over. With babysitters you’ve still got the problem of the children being in the house.

skipperjonce · 03/04/2021 14:18

@camsue

Life isn't always what we plan. If you have children they are your primary responsibility. Don't date unless you can arrange Babysitting. Don't bring a man into their lives until they are old enough to voice their opinions. If kids don't want him in their lives wait till kids have left home. I know many will disagree with this but protecting your kids is more important than having a relationship.

Yes, that's correct. How dare you even consider thinking about your own happiness? You're a mother so from now on ALL decisions in your life must be ratified by your children, full stop.

Kids don't want vegetables in their lives then NO VEG.

Kids don't want you to go for a walk and coffee with your pals after school drop off then NO WALK for you!

Same for a potential love interest/life partner obviously. Kids don't want it then tough shit.

DDIJ · 03/04/2021 14:29

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KatherineofOregon · 03/04/2021 14:36

Op , how old is yr DC and how old are you if you don't mind me asking?

Ardvark111 · 03/04/2021 19:52

Another woman deciding child contact,? He has just the same rights as you.. Unless your child is at risk from him why stop Him,? And if you were to find a new bf he is likely to see more of the child than his own father,!!

PollyIndia · 03/04/2021 20:03

I was going to ask a similar question here the other day. I have ds, 8. 100% of the time and my parents are 200 miles away and been shielding due to covid. I went out with someone for 4 years who had been a friend before that, but I split up with him beginning November and no idea how I would ever meet someone else. I know I am not ready right now but I am reading the other replies with interest. Definitely no interest in online as if I ever get childcare post lockdown, I’ll want to see my mates. So I guess it’s a friend of a friend or maybe someone through my work... I’ve already decided i wouldn’t date a man without kids again though. No answers here sorry but hoping someone has some!

Happycat1212 · 03/04/2021 20:04

Ardvark111

You don’t know the reasons why she’s stopped contact, stop being so judgemental!

Ardvark111 · 03/04/2021 21:42

@happycat1212 let me put another spin on this putting aside his disregarded parental rights, and he not a risk to child surely she could leave child with the father when she goes out on date (s) even overnights win win situation for all.

Happycat1212 · 03/04/2021 21:44

Do you know more about the situation than is written in the op then? My ex would never have our children over night (he never has) and he certainly wouldn’t if he thought I was dating whilst he had them! So unless you know the op then you can’t assume the dad is willing to have them?

Peace43 · 03/04/2021 22:30

I joined an online babysitting service called sitters. They provide vetted babysitters who will cover an evening for me to go out. They normally show up just before DD goes to bed and they do story, teeth and bedtime then watch TV until I get home. DD has liked all of them, they have all been nice mumsy middle aged women (rather like me!)

Otherwise you could ask your parents or other friends. Overnights is harder but after nearly 2 years dating my OH and I have probably slept in the same bed less than 10 times. It’s not a big issue. Now he knows DD he could stay over but we both prefer not.

Original poster

Redruby2020 · 04/04/2021 11:26

@jimmyjammy001

You may get child free time sorted eventually to go out on dates but then the next problem will be finding a bloke who is willing to date someone who allready has got children and the challenges it brings to a potential long term relationship, there may be single dads out there who would be willing to give it ago as they would be on the same page, but a childless bloke 99% of the time is not going to want anything to do with that sort of lifestyle as they can currently do what ever they want when they want with no restrictions and so are likely to be looking for someone similar to their set up unfortunately.

Oh thanks lol, depress us all why don't you. I get that totally and have thought it too. But the world wouldn't go on then, as somewhere along the lines many have kids, plenty not always married and even if so, it hasn't worked out. It would be a perfect world if everyone who had kids together, stayed together until the end of time, but we know, especially on here, that it doesn't happen like that. I think it just seems doable from a man's perspective more so, because they are usually not the ones living with the kids full time, so although some are great fathers, they are free men pretty much!

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Redruby2020 · 04/04/2021 11:33

@skipperjonce Thankyou, you gave me a good laugh 😁
Like yeah, as I'm realising, more so whilst stuck at home, and because of contact stopping with DC's dad, it's not possible to be just how you want and do things when you want, this was not how it was meant to be, and in general you hope you will stay with the father of your kids, but that is life. A bit of time out wouldn't go a miss, but it still won't change the situation, that's why I only have the one and there will not be anymore.

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Redruby2020 · 04/04/2021 11:35

@KatherineofOregon

Op , how old is yr DC and how old are you if you don't mind me asking?

DC 3, I am 40, why?

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Original poster

Redruby2020 · 04/04/2021 11:37

@Ardvark111

Another woman deciding child contact,? He has just the same rights as you.. Unless your child is at risk from him why stop Him,? And if you were to find a new bf he is likely to see more of the child than his own father,!!

Sorry? Did you read my post properly, and if not, why not do a history check as so many do on here of previous posts. Social Services asked me to agree to stop child contact with the father, thanks for your outlook on it though 🙄

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Original poster

Redruby2020 · 04/04/2021 11:38

@PollyIndia

I was going to ask a similar question here the other day. I have ds, 8. 100% of the time and my parents are 200 miles away and been shielding due to covid. I went out with someone for 4 years who had been a friend before that, but I split up with him beginning November and no idea how I would ever meet someone else. I know I am not ready right now but I am reading the other replies with interest. Definitely no interest in online as if I ever get childcare post lockdown, I’ll want to see my mates. So I guess it’s a friend of a friend or maybe someone through my work... I’ve already decided i wouldn’t date a man without kids again though. No answers here sorry but hoping someone has some!

Thanks for your response, yes I was thinking there probably would be others with similar thoughts/questions.

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Redruby2020 · 04/04/2021 11:39

@Happycat1212

Ardvark111

You don’t know the reasons why she’s stopped contact, stop being so judgemental!

Thankyou! I have just replied to that silly post 😀

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Redruby2020 · 04/04/2021 11:43

[quote Ardvark111]@happycat1212 let me put another spin on this putting aside his disregarded parental rights, and he not a risk to child surely she could leave child with the father when she goes out on date (s) even overnights win win situation for all.[/quote]
I have replied to your original post, and no, even if I didn't have to of stopped contact, just the way things were and housing set up my ex had/has, plus DC said he would cry if he stayed over night, but that's because he probably knew what was going on, and even cried some times when he stayed with my DP's, but would of got over it if exP handled it correctly, but he probably wouldn't of, so over night would of not happened, not at this stage anyway, maybe if we were separated under different circumstances then he might of had him weekends or every other one etc, like couples I know who separated but for other reasons, mine was abuse.

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Liverpoolarefab · 04/04/2021 12:30

Hi OP, I really understand your feelings, my Dcs dad passed away when they were 10 and 12 so have had them all the time since then. I would say that is EASIER when the children are younger - as they go to bed at a reasonable time and you Can arrange babysitters. I asked friends (school mums) and sometimes my parents. As a PP said once you know and trust someone they can come to yours when your DC is asleep. Mine are teenagers now and it is much harder - they go to bed later than me and I have zero privacy !!!! I have been single for most of the time - but I think it is possible in your situation , good luck !

JustAVerySmallVoice · 04/04/2021 12:50

[quote Ardvark111]@happycat1212 let me put another spin on this putting aside his disregarded parental rights, and he not a risk to child surely she could leave child with the father when she goes out on date (s) even overnights win win situation for all.[/quote]
Parents don't have rights. They have responsibilities.

The child has rights.

So a child has a right to a relationship with a NRP and both parents have a responsibility to enable and facilitate that except in cases where this is detrimental to the well being of the child, which it clearly is in this case if SS have mandated no contact.

Grow up and take your men's rights shit elsewhere.

Original poster

Redruby2020 · 04/04/2021 13:19

@JustAVerySmallVoice Thankyou, I couldn't have put it better myself! I wasn't sure if that poster is male or female and didn't want to discriminate so thought better to just comment on what they actually said.
Yes the rights part is ridiculous, they need a talking to by SS who will tell them 'it is a child's right to have/see both parents if possible' not the parents! One of the most sensible things I heard lo out of the rest.

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Redruby2020 · 04/04/2021 13:22

@Liverpoolarefab

Hi OP, I really understand your feelings, my Dcs dad passed away when they were 10 and 12 so have had them all the time since then. I would say that is EASIER when the children are younger - as they go to bed at a reasonable time and you Can arrange babysitters. I asked friends (school mums) and sometimes my parents. As a PP said once you know and trust someone they can come to yours when your DC is asleep. Mine are teenagers now and it is much harder - they go to bed later than me and I have zero privacy !!!! I have been single for most of the time - but I think it is possible in your situation , good luck !

Aww thanks, you spurred me on a bit. Yes I can imagine with teenagers although people say they are then grown up, go out etc, that comes with new worries and stresses lol, and yes in to everything and want to know everything lol. Mind you my DC wants to come in the bathroom with me even now, so hopefully it can only get better lol.

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