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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I collect evidence?

35 replies

Fattulipsgarden · 03/04/2021 03:41

I have had bad gut feelings about my DH’s behaviour towards other women for years, only thing is I can never get to the bottom of any of it. He is very secretive, passwords for his phone and computer etc.
But how do I find out for sure if anything was ever going on?
*When first married he used to leave for work really early as he said that he had to attend 1-1 meetings with woman at work. After each supposed meeting I would receive an anonymous phone call at home.
*His phone pinged with a message one day that said, “Hi (DH name). How are you and how is work? Just messaged to let you know that the bump is still a bump. From (name) When I asked him about it he said it must be a wrong number and he doesn’t know anyone called (name).
Refused point blank to discuss it further.
*Had to pick him up from his work one night. Let him take the drivers seat. A dark haired woman appeared coming out of the office opposite where we were and he shouts, “Oh shit!” and steps on the accelerator for a speedy get away. Asked him what he was doing. I was imagining it apparently.
*Out on a works night out, wanted me to collect him but not from the place. It had to be from some distance away, to save me bother?!?
*At a New Year party with friends. The bells rang at midnight and everyone’s DH or DP was giving their OH’s an embrace and a kiss except me as my DH had his arms around the only single female there and giving her a New Year kiss.
*Kept mentioning a new receptionist at work and commenting how much he liked her long white hair. Then when I had to go to his work to drop off something he had forgotten I noticed that as he was going past her she was about to be all over him till he gestured that I was across the road watching and she was immediately cross with him and looked daggers at me.
*I was looking out of the upstairs window at home. Husbands head was in the car bonnet sorting something. Next door neighbour (woman) comes over to speak to him but sticks her head right up next to his and whispers in his ear. He doesn’t move or look round just carries on. WTF?
*I notice looks passing between my DH and hostess at party with friends. Later she is looking out of the window and sighs, “Oh (DH name)” Other friend says, “Did you just say (Oh name)?) “No!” Says she.
*On holiday. DH’s phone rings. It’s his best friend’s DP. She is muttering on about coming up to meet my DH and he says, “Name (me) is sitting right next to me on the sofa” Phone call ends abruptly.

There are loads more examples but too numerous to mention.
What do you think Mumsnetters? All of these things suggest to me that my DH is a womaniser but he just refuses to discuss any of it and thinks I am being unreasonable and making mountains out of molehills.

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 03/04/2021 03:49

I don’t know what you mean by ‘evidence’, why it is required? You think his behaviour is unreasonable and I would think the majority of people would agree with you. It’s just a choice as to whether you want to live like this or not as he will not change. Evidence is moot.

Anordinarymum · 03/04/2021 03:51

I would have given him the boot by now. He does not care about you at all.

Original poster
Fattulipsgarden · 03/04/2021 03:52

I know@HoppingPavlova
I suppose I just want someone to confirm that his behaviour is unreasonable as he has an expert way of making me feel it’s all in my head.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fattulipsgarden · 03/04/2021 03:56

You’re probably right@Anordinarymum
I’ve been with him many years though and his friends and my friends all seem to think the sun shines out of him. He would get the sympathy. I would be the bad one. I’ve not spoken about my worries to anyone.

OP posts:
zigzagzog12 · 03/04/2021 03:59

Ummm this is all the evidence you need

Notjustabrunette · 03/04/2021 04:45

I would ask him to let you see his phone. If he says no, there’s your answer.

Seafog · 03/04/2021 05:12

You don't need anything, just tell him you have decided to move on

fedup078 · 03/04/2021 07:53

Do you mean viable evidence that you can use in a divorce or just for your own clarification? If it's the latter you've already got it

category12 · 03/04/2021 07:58

What are you hoping to achieve if you got the evidence? Are you hoping he would beg to stay and promise to change his ways? Or are you looking to be certain you're doing the right thing in divorcing him?

Phoenix121 · 03/04/2021 09:00

It does sound very much like he is compartmentalising. What you need to know is: to what extent is he compartmentalising? Why would he not want the dark-haired woman to see him/you? Why would he not want his colleagues to see you picking him up after a night out? Etc.

I've very similar experience. My advice to you is to continue analysing these situations but do not ask him about any of this. If my hunch is correct, he will gaslight you to within an inch of your life. Instead, keep a journal where you detail the events as you have done in your opening post. Then write down a plausible explanation for each one. Then write down what you feel might be going on.
With all the examples recorded together, it is easier to gain more clarity. I think this is what you mean by gathering evidence? As in - you have little or no desire to separate, but things have got to the point where you don't want to be taken for a fool?

Original poster
Fattulipsgarden · 03/04/2021 09:10

@fedup078 - evidence to use if I divorce him. It looks clear enough to me what he’s been doing but I suppose there could be alternative explanations.
@Phoenix121 - your post makes a lot of sense and I know by now that to ask him about any of it is futile. He does a lot of gaslighting and all this is bringing me down.

OP posts:
TomatoSoup69 · 03/04/2021 09:11

I think that's fantastic advice @Phoenix121 - keep watching, write everything down, and wait. Keep quiet for now, he will gaslight you. Also love the advice to write a plausible explanation and a suspected explanation for each situation! Then you're prepared for anything. Good luck OP!

VettiyaIruken · 03/04/2021 09:14

Come on. It couldn't be any clearer if he hired a skywriter to put I Fuck Around in the sky above your house!

category12 · 03/04/2021 09:33

evidence to use if I divorce him. It looks clear enough to me what he’s been doing but I suppose there could be alternative explanations.

If you're in the UK, fault doesn't matter in the divorce settlements.

And adultery is hard to prove if he would contest it. You are far far better divorcing him for unreasonable behaviour, into which you can include "inappropriate relationships with other women" as part of the rationale. You really don't need to prove adultery to divorce him.

Phoenix121 · 03/04/2021 09:38

@Fattulipsgarden sorry that it's bringing you down. It's a horrible feeling. You might start feeling destabilised, if you're not already. Can I ask: had you been married long before you started noticing these things, and would you say you're naturally a normally trusting, non-confrontational type of person?

StephenBelafonte · 03/04/2021 09:43

as he has an expert way of making me feel it’s all in my head.

Actually, he hasn't got an expert way of making you feel it's all in your head because you've already sussed out it isn't all in your head which is why you're on here asking.

But yeah, he doesn't sound like much of a partner to be fair. I think i'd rather be single than disrespected.

Tartyflette · 03/04/2021 09:50

Sorry OP but your husband sounds like a serial shagger to me.

Original poster
Fattulipsgarden · 03/04/2021 10:30

@Phoenix121
No, I noticed it going on from the first few months after we married and onwards and yes you have described me accurately. 😢

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 03/04/2021 10:40

evidence to use if I divorce him.

Are you in the UK or somewhere else? The UK, and most other countries with similar systems, have ‘no fault’ divorce. That means you don’t need a reason to get divorced and also means that means a court does not take the reason for divorce into account with splitting of assets or custody. So whether it’s because you have grown apart, one of you has had an affair, or one of you has had extramarital affairs with half of Britain, the entire cast of Eastenders and starred in 10 porno’s it just doesn’t matter as far as the court is concerned.

JeeWhizz · 03/04/2021 10:48

He sounds horrible, totally disrespecting you. Does he have any positive attributes?

Original poster
Fattulipsgarden · 03/04/2021 11:04

@JeeWhizz
He does have positive attributes. Is charming in front of friends and family, lovely towards me when we used to go on holiday before Covid, lovely during lockdown, but then he has no other options at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fattulipsgarden · 03/04/2021 11:05

These things and more all happened pre Covid.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fattulipsgarden · 03/04/2021 11:05

So I guess I’m lulling myself into a sense of false security.

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 03/04/2021 12:29

The bump message suggests he may have got someone pregnant. So you could start by getting an STI test.

Wanderlusto · 03/04/2021 12:39

I agree the bump message is referring to a baby.

OP he is gaslighting you so affairs or not...honestly they are just icing on the cake. A man trying to drive you mental is not a man you should stay married to. Whether he has stuck his willy in half of the people in uk or not.