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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I just can’t move on

28 replies

MamaFriend · 02/04/2021 23:37

I feel a little bit ridiculous typing this but I just need to talk even if it’s to cyberspace.
On 20th Jan my world changed forever. Flippantly I asked my husband if he was having an affair - I was kind of joking but he had been acting a bit weird over lockdown. Anyway - he said ‘yes’. I was floored. Absolutely stunned and broken. We’ve been together for 26 years. Met when we were 17. He has always been the most honest person I have known. He has an amazing family with a very traditional and righteous attitude. I was gobsmacked. I asked him to go a hotel the following day as I couldn’t bear to look at him. He told me it was over for him and that he felt there was absolutely no reason for him to try. It would be a waste of our time. 4 weeks later they moved in together, a week after that they rented a house together. It had been going on for 6-7 months. I was pretty clueless.
Our 16 year daughter was diagnosed with epilepsy the week before.
I just can’t move on. I’m having counselling. Been given medication and my family have been babysitting me for weeks. But I still sit in my bed (alone) and cry. I can’t believe he has gone. I can’t believe he doesn’t love me anymore. I can’t believe the man I thought was my soulmate is just with someone else. Just like that.
When does it get better? Will I always feel broken?
I went for a job interview this week and didn’t get it and the rejection was almost unbearable. Total trigger.
He comes to pick up my daughter a couple of times a week and I can’t even bear to look out of the window and see the car coz even that hurts.
I constantly have a pain in my chest.
I try to cry quietly to protect my daughter (who seems very pragmatic about it all).
Will I always be broken?

Sorry for the long message. I just needed to get it out.
😞

OP posts:

Somethingkindaoooo · 02/04/2021 23:45

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
It's only been few months, so please be kind to yourself.

You've had a heartbreak, and a terrible shock which causes trauma.

I think getting over something like that is just a series of tiny steps forward...

DianaT1969 · 02/04/2021 23:46

So sorry that you are feeling such pain. It is like a bereavement.
One thing you can do is list all the things about him that weren't good. It's easy to put him on a pedestal at the moment.
There will be more people along with good advice. Didn't want to read and run.

doingthehoovering · 02/04/2021 23:47

Oh l can feel the utter heartbreak in your voice. What a horrible horrible shock. Despite everything you sound strong and it might not feel like it but you ARE holding it together- being a good mum and going for a job interview and going to therapy and using your family for support. All commendable. You will feel better one day. Time really does heal all wounds but it sounds like it's going to be a long and lonely road for you. Try to believe that you will get there. Sending you lots of encouragement and hope.

doingthehoovering · 02/04/2021 23:49

And it also sounds as if your behaviour towards him has been dignified and strong which is incredibly hard to do when someone has hurt you this much

HeadFuzzy · 02/04/2021 23:56

Hey, I’m in a similar boat although he is hanging around to support with the baby but it’s over.

Similar timing to me. I have days where I’m vibrating with adrenaline, some crying a lot and others I’m totally numb.

You’re not alone. And this is normal.

Love x

Deedeedocket · 03/04/2021 00:24

This happened to me 10 years ago.

You WILL get through this. I absolutely promise you. It will change you in ways you will only realise later on. But you will get through it.

The adage time is a great healer is completely true.

When my exp left me I honestly thought I would die from the pain of it. I maintain that it would have been more manageable if he had died.

I have moved on. The effect that it has had on my children is something I deal with most days.

I am now married to someone else, a man who I can completely and utterly be myself in front of. In hindsight I realise how much of my behaviour was modified to keep the peace.

When I see my exp now all I can think of is that I cannot believe that man held enough power to make me want to die. He makes me cringe.

Dramatic I know. I promise you it gets better. And also don’t listen to people who tell you to get over it. You will, in your own time.

Anordinarymum · 03/04/2021 00:46

When you receive bad news of any kind that you were not expecting to hear it comes as a horrible shock and you don't want to believe it because why would you?
Ten minutes before, you were in a different place and you just want to go back there for ever.

When the dust settles you will realise you are better off without this person, but it will take time.
You have lived a life together and everything you knew and relied on is entrenched in the relationship and the family and the love and the security was a lie. It's shit.
I feel for you OP.

It's not the end of the world though, you will emerge stronger and better for it. If I read you right you are 43.
You are still young and you will be happy again. It will take time.
I think you should concentrate on looking after your family and leave him to his new life. He has let you down badly but he has also done you a favour by showing you what he is really like.
Medication is not the answer. You need to get angry and then you need to start living again and one day you will be glad he did this. It will just take time.

Take care x x

WisnaeMe · 03/04/2021 01:08

Im so sorry OP, please don't let his actions destroy who you are, for your daughters sake as well as your own. You can get through this, take one day at a time, don't try to work him out, there is no point. Focus on your well being, your health and your daughter right now. 🌸

Faith50 · 03/04/2021 02:06

I am so sorry op. You are clearly in a lot of pain.

Please try to be easy on yourself. You will go through all sorts of emotions - allow them to come and go. You need to heal and it will take time. There is no easy or quick way out which is awful to accept when you are in the depths of pain.

I have been there and it was truly awful. I stuck with my h for several years and anger and rage has come to the forefront. I fantasise about leaving every single day. I imagine my belongings in my new home, car in the drive etc. The reality is I cannot afford to service a home alone and dreaming gives me a form of escapism. Pathetic when I truly think about it.

Notnastypasty · 03/04/2021 02:36

I have also been where you are now and I honestly thought I would never feel okay again. It’s really a horrible, painful feeling of grief and the grieving process takes time. You will feel better, just give it time. I know it’s not easy though. I actually felt like I had PTSD which may sound dramatic to some people but the shock and change to your life in an instant can make you feel that way.

Please know you will come through it

picknmix1984 · 03/04/2021 07:27

The 5 stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.

Over time you will progress through these. It may help you to talk to a counsellor who is independent to this and will give you that opportunity to progress through more easily.

2020Diary · 03/04/2021 07:43

There is a lady posting on here who is in a very similar position. Her husband left beginning of January and her early postings were heartbreaking to read. She has continued to post on MN for support and her posts have slowly become more and more positive. She is not out of the woods yet but she now can see that she will be OK. If your GP offers medication , take it to get you through the dark days and keep posting on here you will get great support. You WiLL get through this

Original poster

MamaFriend · 03/04/2021 22:50

Thank you all for listening last night. Pain every day. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel - the tunnel is very bendy though 🤨

OP posts:

Hobbem · 03/04/2021 23:11

The tunnel is long mama friend unfortunately. It will take much longer than 2 months to get over this. One day at a time becomes one week at a time etc etc etc.

WisnaeMe · 03/04/2021 23:17

@MamaFriend

and there is always someone here to listen 🌸

Deedeedocket · 04/04/2021 00:06

My therapist said to me, if you can’t stop thinking about someone try and set yourself a time everyday where you can think about that person, cry, wail, rail for 15 minutes. Then carry on with your day.

I tried it, I tried flicking an elastic band in my wrist whenever my thoughts got too intrusive. I tried hypnotherapy I tried bloody everything. Time is the only thing that worked for me and you know what I look back and I’m so glad he did me this favour. It didn’t seem like it for years. But my god I am better off without him.

MrsMaizel · 04/04/2021 01:27

@Notnastypasty

Please know you will come through it

I agree totally with this poster . It is the unexpectedness of it. I would suggest you have a look at this website

www.runawayhusbands.com

I read the book and it will help you . You had the rug pulled out from under you with no warning but you will get there .

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 04/04/2021 04:35

OP, I can’t help you feel better (though I wish I could), but I want to add my voice to all those saying you will come through this, the pain will ease, you will recover.

No wonder you’re feeling crushed right now. Your life has been turned upside-down and the man you’ve loved for all your adult life has dropped you, in the most callous way. Of course it takes time to recover from such a blow.

I’m glad you and DD have the support of your loving family and each other — as well as Mumsnetters who have come through the same pain. Be kind to yourself. I hope and expect time will soon start helping you heal.

Sunflower1970 · 04/04/2021 20:07

My dad was shagging a gold digging psycho scrubber and left my mother after 40 years of marriage. She was broken for a while - she was taking mild anti depressants ( just temporarily) and went for counseling. It was very very hard. She now has a boyfriend and can’t believe she spent 40 years with such a boring, selfish man!!!! Look after yourself, be strong and don’t be embarrassed to get support. I promise you it will get easier xx

Wantubackforgood · 04/04/2021 20:17

15 years in still broken

missbunnyrabbit · 04/04/2021 20:49

I'm so sorry for you, OP. It is unimaginable pain. A year and a few months ago, my ex boyfriend dumped me and blocked me suddenly and I was floored too. I spent months in agony ... even now, even though I am with someone new and bettter and who I love very much, I still can't believe that ex left me. I still get the occasional pang in my heart.

All you can do is keep going. The pain might never go, but it will lessen. You can do it.

Notnastypasty · 04/04/2021 23:54

@MrsMaizel that book was amazing and such a help to me - I highly recommend it too.

So many books on divorce but not so many that cover the shock and despair of your life changing in an instant. Give it a read if you can.

Lozzerbmc · 05/04/2021 03:07

So sorry this has happened to you - I’ve been there, met exh at 17 married at 21. At 35 he told met he met someone else and no longer loved me. It was devastating. We’d given notice on our rented flat to go and rent a friend’s house, I went to the house and he re-rented our old flat and OW moved in a month later sleeping in my bed. I collected my stuff in black bin bags whilst the OW watched. I thought I’d never get over it.

I was wrong- it was actually the making of me, it was hard at first, I had only known being with him. I had bad days, ok days then good days.

Focus on each day and set yourself small challenges. You will get over it and be happy again. It takes time but be kind to yourself. Its a grief and you should treat it as such, you will get through it. Plan lots of fun things you and daughter can do.

PS exh and OW never lasted very long she was a right bunny boiler!

Lozzerbmc · 05/04/2021 03:09

Also use this forum for support, so many of us have been where you are and know how you feel

Mxflamingnoravera · 05/04/2021 13:51

It happened to me, 22 years ago. It took me a long time to get over the anger and betrayal. I had therapy for three years, twice a week.

He moved straight in with the OW and she was pregnant immediately, she was still married and had been my best friend.

Time, as they all say is a the greatest healer. Surrounding yourself with people who love and trust is important. I used a social media platform to rant which saved me from doing some awful things out of anger and the desire for revenge.

You have to keep on keeping on. It's hard, it gets better. I'm well shut of him, you will get there.

Sending love. Reach out, we will listen.

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