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Original poster

Way to stop ExH using DD's phone to spy on me?

30 replies

Phonehelp · 02/04/2021 19:28

Sorry, this might be a bit long and rambling as I seem to lose the ability to think straight when the topic relates to my abusive ex-husband and I've changed user name as I really don't want this linked to anything outing!

My daughter is about to turn 11 and I'd like to get her a mobile as she's at the age it feels right for her to have one. The issue I have is my ex! I don't trust him not to download something onto her phone to either track me or even listen in. I know this sounds melodramatic but he had a tracker on my phone for years when we were married and I never knew. He also has form for accessing my emails, intercepting my post, copying my keys, having a key stroke logger on my laptop and a whole bunch of other stuff-so in essence, this is a very real possibility. There has been police involvement in the past to do with some of this but stupidly at the time I was scared of repercussions and didn't persue it the way I should.

If DD gets a phone, she will obviously want to take it with her on her weekly visit day with her Dad. I'd actually feel happier if she had a way of contacting me, as he can be difficult with her, so the idea of her not taking it is one I'm keen to avoid if possible. Does anyone know of an app I could install on her phone that meant anything downloaded would need my permission? A code or password only I would know?

I sense some of you might say, if he's that awful why are you letting her go? The answer isn't simple. For one, she wants to see him as he's her Dad and awful as he is, she loves him and two, although he's been awful to me and the police have been involved, if I stopped the contact, I'd risk him taking me to court and potentially winning more time as he has no criminal convictions and a job that puts him in a position of trust. He is the classic abusive charmer and very believeable. This is something I'm regularly threatened with and have taken legal advice on. So, it's better that DD see him once a week for a few hours and be with me all the rest of the time. I just don't want him to use DD as a tool to try controlling me again or gain info he could use to make life difficult (Again, he has form!). If I can essentially lock down her phone, I would be happier. Otherwise, she will have to leave it with me when she sees him and I'll have to think of a reasonable excuse as to why.

He left when DD was 6...you think he'd be ready to let me go now but evidence suggests otherwise. So, if anyone has any suggestions I'd be grateful.

OP posts:
akpounce · 02/04/2021 19:31

Yes get her a Samsung android phone and download Family Link. She will need permission to download any other apps and you can also see where she is with location turned on and approve time limits. I'm so sorry you even have to think of this. My ex put a key logger on my laptop during our divorce and it was such a horrific invasion when I found out.

Original poster
Phonehelp · 02/04/2021 19:44

@akpounce I know about Family link, as that was installed on her tablet by him. Another LONG story and invasion of property I got. He set it up and we are both on that, so, if I put it on her phone would he have access? Or would I need a different email address? In essence a new account? Sorry, tech isn't my strong suit which is probably how he's managed to use it against me so much.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 02/04/2021 19:47

get your dd 2 phones, a cheap bog standard to take to her dads and one for home.

the cheap one gets turned off all week with you

MSQuinn · 02/04/2021 19:48

If it’s one day a week could your dd have a smart phone for use when she’s with you and a basic non smart phone when she goes to her dad’s? That way she could still contact you but he’d be unlikely to be able to download anything.

Apple I’ve found are pretty good for this. Set her up as a child and you can use the screentime in settings to lock it down so without a password he couldn’t do anything.

MSQuinn · 02/04/2021 19:49

Sorry I meant Apple are pretty good as a smart phone for locking things down but I’d go with a very basic phone.

bobisbored · 02/04/2021 19:51

My DD11 has an iPhone with parent controls on it so she can't download apps. Would that work?

Cattitudes · 02/04/2021 19:56

@ivykaty44

get your dd 2 phones, a cheap bog standard to take to her dads and one for home.

the cheap one gets turned off all week with you

I would do this, she can ring him on the basic phone and ring you when with him. Then he can't hack it, circumvent it or anything.
ivykaty44 · 03/04/2021 06:10

Never ever use a password - he knows you

Use a pass sentance that is random and add obscure numbers

DeathToCovid · 03/04/2021 07:16

If it’s just that you don’t want him downloading apps then iPhone have a pretty decent feature where you can set up a code only you know (pick something really random like 9665 so he can’t guess it, never use a birthday etc) then switch off the App Store! Job done!

Alternatively what everyone else said about a simple brick phone for his house.

Original poster
Phonehelp · 03/04/2021 08:43

It’s mainly fear he’ll add some way to ‘spy’ on me via the phone. Either location tracking or listening. So I figure if he can’t download anything, he can’t do that.

2 phones is a good idea but she’d question why and if he got wind then he’d get angry and that’s another situation best avoided. Him angry is not good for anyone.

I’ll check out the iPhone options and also look at family link more closely.

OP posts:
Partey · 03/04/2021 08:46

My sons Apple ID is linked to my phone.

When he tries to download an app I get a notification where I have to allow. I can’t see him getting around this

It’s my PIN code or fingerprint which allows it btw- do you have apple?

muffindays · 03/04/2021 08:48

old brick phone!

nimbuscloud · 03/04/2021 08:53

*get your dd 2 phones, a cheap bog standard to take to her dads and one for home.

the cheap one gets turned off all week with you*

How would you explain this to the child? Do you tell her that he will use her phone to spy?

Thecatisboss · 03/04/2021 08:57

I've just bought DD, who's just turned 11, a Samsung galaxy which has Family Link which seems pretty good as every time she wants to download an app she has to ask me in person so I can input my Google password or sends me a message to authorise.

RainbowRaine · 03/04/2021 09:01

What phone do you have? Can you the same n not point in getting a Samsung if you have apple. The parental controls are good on Apple like someone else upthread said.

RainbowRaine · 03/04/2021 09:02

Sorry still half asleep, can you get her the same as you have.

FelicityPike · 03/04/2021 09:02

@nimbuscloud

*get your dd 2 phones, a cheap bog standard to take to her dads and one for home.

the cheap one gets turned off all week with you*

How would you explain this to the child? Do you tell her that he will use her phone to spy?

Yes! She’s 11, not a little child.
legalseagull · 03/04/2021 09:02

I'd get her a second cheap burner phone too. Tell her it's because you don't want her to lose it or something.

lunar1 · 03/04/2021 09:07

I have to put a password into my children's iPhones for every app, including free ones.

partyatthepalace · 03/04/2021 10:01

@ivykaty44

get your dd 2 phones, a cheap bog standard to take to her dads and one for home.

the cheap one gets turned off all week with you

This

But with the smart phone I would also find a good local phone repair guy who can protect check and wipe it regularly for you, if you aren’t technically minded, as you won’t be able to stop her carrying it around when she gets a bit older.

So sorry you have gone through this OP.

nimbuscloud · 03/04/2021 10:08

Yes! She’s 11, not a little child.

Yes - she is 11. Much too young to be in the middle of damaging control issues between her parents.

Jobsharenightmare · 03/04/2021 10:29

Judging by your post I assume he's not stupid and would know why she was getting a basic phone without apps. On that basis he may well buy her a smartphone to use and then he'd be in control of its settings if you say she can only use a brick.

VodkaSlimline · 03/04/2021 10:33

Think you need to get in first and get her a smartphone, otherwise he's like to buy it for her and then you won't have any control of what's on it.

Theunamedcat · 03/04/2021 10:40

Set up own family link and take him off the tablet one ffs you dont need him on there new email new account new password nothing to do with him

My ex claimed I was tracking him via our sons mobile because he (ds) loses everything and I had tracking software installed so I could find the damm thing 🙄 he actually stopped him bringing it along i bought him a new one no tracking software on it so "its allowed' he is an idiot that doesn't realise i can track location via Google maps which is installed on his phone 😉 so be aware you can track something even without software

MsPavlichenko · 03/04/2021 10:41

It might be worth contacting WA as they may be able to direct you to organisations that can help with this sort of issue. It is very common unfortunately.

If you ‘be not done it yet do look at the Freedom Programme, it can only help you going forward. I understand you are still appeasing him to some extent but as you see it doesn’t solve the problem ( him). Also you don’t want your DD repeating your approach to him, or any other men going forward. I speak from experience here.