Way to stop ExH using DD's phone to spy on me?

[Phonehelp]

Sorry, this might be a bit long and rambling as I seem to lose the ability to think straight when the topic relates to my abusive ex-husband and I've changed user name as I really don't want this linked to anything outing!

My daughter is about to turn 11 and I'd like to get her a mobile as she's at the age it feels right for her to have one. The issue I have is my ex! I don't trust him not to download something onto her phone to either track me or even listen in. I know this sounds melodramatic but he had a tracker on my phone for years when we were married and I never knew. He also has form for accessing my emails, intercepting my post, copying my keys, having a key stroke logger on my laptop and a whole bunch of other stuff-so in essence, this is a very real possibility. There has been police involvement in the past to do with some of this but stupidly at the time I was scared of repercussions and didn't persue it the way I should.

If DD gets a phone, she will obviously want to take it with her on her weekly visit day with her Dad. I'd actually feel happier if she had a way of contacting me, as he can be difficult with her, so the idea of her not taking it is one I'm keen to avoid if possible. Does anyone know of an app I could install on her phone that meant anything downloaded would need my permission? A code or password only I would know?

I sense some of you might say, if he's that awful why are you letting her go? The answer isn't simple. For one, she wants to see him as he's her Dad and awful as he is, she loves him and two, although he's been awful to me and the police have been involved, if I stopped the contact, I'd risk him taking me to court and potentially winning more time as he has no criminal convictions and a job that puts him in a position of trust. He is the classic abusive charmer and very believeable. This is something I'm regularly threatened with and have taken legal advice on. So, it's better that DD see him once a week for a few hours and be with me all the rest of the time. I just don't want him to use DD as a tool to try controlling me again or gain info he could use to make life difficult (Again, he has form!). If I can essentially lock down her phone, I would be happier. Otherwise, she will have to leave it with me when she sees him and I'll have to think of a reasonable excuse as to why.

He left when DD was 6...you think he'd be ready to let me go now but evidence suggests otherwise. So, if anyone has any suggestions I'd be grateful.

She should know how difficult he is. Who are you protecting? I don't mean every detail or angry rants but in age appropriate way.

As said get a cheap pay as you go button phone for bare minimum so she can stay in touch. Leave her android or iPhone at home.

My dc have an iPhone. They are all on family sharing and The 11 year old has it set so if they download any app - inc free ones - only I can approve it. I can also set and change permissions from my phone without having to access theirs, via a pin which has to be put in every time.

They have a screen time limit so no one can use them after a certain time except to send texts or make calls and we can log into find my iPhone from our devices easily if they loose them.

I suggest you get the same phone as you have because familiarity means it will be a lot easier to set up and monitor - you will be more likely to see something suspicious if it's been put on an operating system you know how to operate.

In an age appropriate way, to what she can handle, she does know what he’s like. But in the same way he’s a charmer to the wider world, he can to an extent charm her. Although not as much as she has seen for herself some of his stunts as it’s not been possible to ‘hide’ them all. She is only 11 though and he’s a practiced manipulator of people. He fooled me long enough to marry him. I really don’t want to be the parent bad mouthing the other. I take the approach of being honest when asked and letting her form her own judgements.

I know that I’m still bending to his will to an extent. But, I’m working hard on that and in therapy for support with it. Part of me getting her a phone is because it seems age appropriate but also to prevent him-a proactive move if you like.

His job is quite techy and in that sense, he has more awareness than me. I’m running an old apple so I’ll look into that. The idea of a shop and getting someone to check is also a good idea.

If it had to be two phones, then that’s doable financially but really, he’ll see through that and I don’t want him provoked. I’d rather do one phone, that’s locked down and I can justify that because she is 11 and that’s sensible. He doesn’t need to know it’s because of how he is with regards to me.

Thank you all for taking time to make suggestions, I appreciate it. I know I sound a bit weak and I’m honestly working hard on that. I can’t put more in here for fear of outing and the drama that would come from that-but this is an ongoing and complex situation and the phone might sound minor but it’s just part of the situation.

@Phonehelp

It’s mainly fear he’ll add some way to ‘spy’ on me via the phone. Either location tracking or listening. So I figure if he can’t download anything, he can’t do that.

2 phones is a good idea but she’d question why and if he got wind then he’d get angry and that’s another situation best avoided. Him angry is not good for anyone.

I’ll check out the iPhone options and also look at family link more closely.

If she is old enough to have a phone she is old enough to know this. My youngest is younger but I plan to have two phones.