Relationship breakdown who’s wrong him or me

[ScotJane]

Hi all

Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I’m a 44 year old in a relationship with a 36 year old for the last 10 years, we’d doing long distance for two years before I made the move to his home city. Basically we have split up today because he says he no longer trusts me or feels I respect him but today feels different and feels like the end. We’ve a steady relationship with no kids but probably every 6 months or so we have an argument and he storms off in another room and ends the relationship. He went for a promotion in work a year ago and was successful but wasn’t placed immediately however 6 months ago he was on a work call and I said when I thought he’d hung up you need to speak up for yourself a bit more and let them hear your voice and opinions. People in work were on the call and heard and he said I’d let him down and made him doubt himself and kicked his confidence and that was never my intention so he ended things. After lots of chats he said this was my last chance as he was tired of giving me them through the years that I promise I’ll change but I had to learn to be more respectful. Fast forward to last week and he was on a work call in front of me everyone was asked to go on mute and this one guy kept slurping his tea and we looked at each other and exchange a smirk, I went to laugh but put my hand to my mouth to stop myself but he said he lost him train of thought and again ended things. I managed to convince him that I thought it was a shared moment between us as a couple so he forgave me. Fast forward to today, i went shopping and bought us nice drinks to celebrate as I passed an exam and he said we would celebrate. I cooked us a nice lunch but kitchen was stinky so I light a candle. He came down and went mad, said it was the ultimate sign of disrespect that it was another sign of me doing what I want and not giving a f&£k, I said I thought we were celebrating some good news for us and it was a special occasion hence I was ok to light one of the special occasion candles. He said he’d never do that without consulting me and it’s another sign of me not thinking of him. It’s a accumulation of lots of things and he’s done with me.
He said if he stays with me he will kill himself and he doesn’t want that on me, that he’s given me enough chances and he feels like an idiot for staying. I live in a city with few friends outside of work and to b honest I’ve always sheltered sharing with my friends because I don’t want them thinking badly of him. Signs of disrespect to him in the past and have resulted in previous breakup are:
Me sorting out new kitchen cabinets without him
Shouting at him to help me in kitchen
Using aerosols in rooms when he’s asked me not too.
Am I crazy that it is me, I say sorry constantly but feel like I’m living on a knife edge constantly but he twists respect and constantly convinced me that I’m inconsiderate, selfish and disrespectful! When I went to speak to him he said I was talking too loud said neighbours would hear so I said they will find out soon enough, he jumped up to run out of the house and I am scared he will kill himself so I ran out of the room
He says he’s done with me because although he loves me the two most important things are trust and respect and each time I disrespect him I loose his trust!

Didn't shielding end for everyone this week? Just get rid!

He’s a dick. Don’t live your next 10 years on eggshells with him breaking up with you every 6 months but not actually going through with it.
Lighting a candle isn’t disrespectful. He’s just a dick.

Jesus Christ OP.
That is one sick, controlling, abusive man.
Fuck him.
Fuck the house etc.
It’s just a house.
Just go.
Take what you need and go

OP, you’ve landed yourself a weapons grade fruit loop— I’m afraid I did it once with a guy who decided he couldn’t cope with pots and we had to eat off paper plates. Really sorry— he is off his chump- get rid!!

Please heed the advice here and get out of this relationship; it’s abusive and it won’t get better over time, it’s likely to get worse. He takes the shine off your successes. He tantrums about the slightest things. He paints his ex partner as abusive. Red flags, all of them.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply and all the advice. I’m just so heartbreaking when there is no need for any of these and we could just b happy if he would let us be!

You wont change him. Hes not going to just finally understand that hes been awful and just change. Its who he is. He has contempt

He sounds nuts.

This breaks my heart as my 19 year old daughter is in a similar relationship get out op it’s not right and you know it

I know, I hope your daughter gets out soon alfiemoon1. The crazy thing is in the past when I’ve fallen on my sword and apologised eventually he sees reasons and just goes back to normal and I’m always like how can you just do that, I’m still upset! I’ve just tried to talk to him about the house and he just asked me to leave him alone. Said there’s nothing to talk about but I said I can see it’s done and I need to move forward with the house. The thing is in my work life I am super confident but at home I feel anything but

And I’ve told him I’m scared of him meeting someone younger and her just thinking it’s normal, he’s convinced me I’m in the wrong in my heart when I head screams to tell him to f£&k off a million times. He’s genuinely upset he’s in there crying his eyes out so in his head I’m completely wrong again

I can't believe you have put up with this nonsense for 10 years. He sounds unbalanced and you cannot carry on loving like this. Please make plans to leave him.

He’ll be genuinely upset because he stands to lose his punching bag. He will be upset because it will take ages to break another person down enough to not question his nonsense.

He will be upset because you may just tell everyone what an absolute horror he is.

His upset is because he has lost control and he no longer can make himself the big man by belittling you.

He isn’t upset because he has hurt you.

It is - as always - all about him.

I was in a relationship prior to this for 10 years and I really thought I’d got it right this time, cannot believe I’m here again!

You're there again because you ignored all the red flags. Bloody bunting! You cannot force someone not to be a controlling dickhead.

Why will you lose what you invested in the house?

I just meant I thought I knew him for two years before I made the move, genuinely thought I was making the right decision in moving to his city to be with him. We’ve both put equal deposits in it’s more the renovation work over the last year that I’ve completely paid for from savings

Look up “Gaslighting” - he is making you feel guilty and confused and you are taking 100% of the emotional responsibility for the negativity in your relationship when it’s him. You probably think you’re going crazy and question yourself all the time.
Leave. He’s abusing you.

You sound great .
It’s him not you.He is an emotionally abusive,controlling bully just like my H.Even mine doesn’t make a fuss when I light a candle.
Buy him out or sell the house.
You have a good job,you’re still young,you will be ok.
Good luck

I’ve been through this before with the buying out of the house and that’s why I really waited and spent time getting to know him before making the move. Unfortunately the true colours didn’t start to emerge until we had moved in together!
I have heard up him up and about this morning getting ready for his run so I’m just gonna leave this for the next few days and give him the space. Hopefully next week we can have a chat in regard to the house etc and how that will progress. I’ve told a friend last night and she said what would I tell her if this was she and I said leave! Doesn’t make it easy tho!

Hi OP, I think shielding has lifted now..? In which case IMO you should ask your ‘D’P to move to his Mum’s while you work out what you can do about the house.

The excuses he uses to justify his behaviour are irrelevant. However he got there, the guy is now (and prob always was, tbh) a controlling dick and nobody should have to live under the sort of mental load that he’s putting on you.

I really do think that, after the inevitable short period of grieving for what “might have been,” you’ll be so much happier on your own.

Oh, and losing some money to regain your happiness..? Worth it.

hes doing you a big favour op , i couldnt be putting up with that nonsense , he acts like a petulant teenager and honestly i dont think hes going to be finding anybody else putting up with it for long either . he is controlling and tempermental , its hard but you will be better off out of this stress and starting fresh

You think everything would be fine if he was just different - but he isn’t different, he is who he is, he can’t change, won’t change. There is no different!

He's not 'genuinely upset' OP, this is just a twisted game to him, designed to keep you in line and in the wrong so he can feel superior. That's why it blows up over such insignificant things like the candle, it's totally intentional and deliberate on his part and is purely about putting you down so you'll beg for forgiveness.

Very telling that it's happened now too, when you were happy and wanting to celebrate your exam, he's managed to ruin that bit of joy for you completely hasn't he? Because that was the plan all along and I bet if you think about it he'll have done this before when you were happy about something, he a joy-thief.

Please don't fall for it this time, call his bluff and let this relationship go, it's not worth the anguish he puts you through and he will never change, save yourself while you can.

Get rid of this loser ASAP.
When a situation goes on like this over a long period of time you lose all self-esteem and you end up doubting everything about yourself.
You shouldn't be even having to think about lighting a fucking candle or not. He wants to have control over everything and his way of making sure he does that is going on about disrespect and loss of trust over the tiniest little things so that you won't even dare to do anything without consulting him.

I was in a relationship a bit like this and he was also constantly breaking up over every little slight. He'd then claim he wanted to start a relationship with some woman he'd met who would be way better than me. One of the times it was because I wasn't getting up at 4 am to boil water for his thermos flask as he was too tired from working soooo hard to do this and I was disrespecting him by not thinking of his needs
He also regularly threatened suicide- this usually happened if he thought he had gone too far and I might be considering ditching him. I never did of course as I was frightened he'd kill himself.
People saying or implying they are going to kill themselves in this kind of context is a manipulative tactic. I believed my ex at the time but now can see it for what it was. Put any thoughts of his suicide out of your head - that must not be allowed to affect any decision you make.

I am now 2 and a half years out of that relationship and it has taken this long to recover my own self-respect and self-esteem. I can tell you though, that once you do get out and can do what you like without worrying about someone else's reaction it's absolutely wonderful.
You feel like you get yourself back.

I wish he could read the messages on here and I wish I could get him the help he needs but it’s beyond that. I know everyone is 100% right and thank you all so much because over the last few years he has done a real good job of taking away my own self belief! I’ve just got up this morn and left to meet a friend for a walk, she knows everything so at least I have her to confide in. The thing is I’ll go back and he will be watching a game having a beer and living his best life without a care in the world. I’m just gonna act indifferent to him when I do go home and continue to ignore him.