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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How does your partner look at you?

37 replies

Mikethenight2good · 02/04/2021 08:46

Morning,

Just that really, when you walk in a room, how does he look at you?

Maybe a year of working from home for the both of us, but if I ever walk into a room and disturb him I get the look of being a inconvenience. Or the other is he doesn't look up from his phone..

I also don't fancy him. That's not helping maybe. ...

OP posts:

trevthecat · 02/04/2021 08:48

We usually just smile at each other! So I suppose that's our way of looking lovingly! Were not particularly soppy

ChaBishkoot · 02/04/2021 08:50

I don’t know. We are not very soppy. We are average looking middle aged people. I could lose some weight. He has lost a lot of hair since I met him in my 20s. I still think he has a lovely smile. But I never get treated as an inconvenience, no.

LubaLuca · 02/04/2021 08:51

Expectantly, usually, hoping I've brought him a cup of tea or good news I think. I love him for his optimism.

Wiredforsound · 02/04/2021 08:55

Mine looks thrilled. He usually gets up to give me a hug if he’s not in the middle of a call. I get hugged a lot. I’m not complaining.

floofycroissant · 02/04/2021 09:04

Inconvenienced, I knew he was a head-down-crack on kind of person when at work. WFH has just confirmed he's just rude.

KateMidd · 02/04/2021 09:08

My DH usually even doesn't notice me, I mean he never shows me I disturb him or smth. If he's not so busy we can have a small talk or he asks me to make him tea.

Somuddled · 02/04/2021 09:08

He usually beams and calls out the ridiculous nickname that I have. Or is so engrossed in his phone that I have to announce that I'm there and then he beams and uses the nickname.

Shoxfordian · 02/04/2021 09:19

He gives me a big smile and calls me by our silly name for each other. Lots of hugs as well

Sounds like your relationship has run it’s course op

Teapotsandtablecloths · 02/04/2021 09:20

We usually smile at each other. It does melt my heart when my DH has a big goofy grin when he sees me. Lockdown has been hard for many couples, did you not fancy him before lockdown or is that recent?

gamerchick · 02/04/2021 09:23

Sounds like you're fed up with each other. Even at close quarters the bond has to be worked on to keep intimacy.

Maybe it's time for a conversation about your relationship OP.

Fountainsoftea · 02/04/2021 09:27

Adoringly.

I am the sun around which his planet revolves.

RedPandaMama · 02/04/2021 09:32

I can imagine it's really hard both WFH together. The inconvenience may just be stress related? Must be very hard constantly being together.

DP looking at me with what I can only call adoration. It's the first time I've ever experienced this and am still not used to it after a year together. Usually if he looks at me too long I go 'what?' and he says 'nothing... Just can't believe how lucky I am'

He's absolutely lovely and it's a real treat considering my two other big relationships one was more interested in his phone and computer and the other was an abusive arsehole.

Could you not speak to him about it?

SouthernBounce · 02/04/2021 09:35

Uncertainty, shyness, a strained obligatory peck kiss.
The relationship ended so that wasn’t a good sign.

Icanflyhigh · 02/04/2021 09:41

Depends on the situation, but usually blows me a kiss when I walk in the room, or when he walks into the room, etc.
Never makes me feel like an inconvenience, and I am the one WFH whereas he goes out to work each day.
Definitely do fancy him which is good and helps a lot I guess....

Illy605 · 02/04/2021 09:47

He usually looks at me and says something along the lines of “Jesus, you’re massive!”

I am 7 months pregnant though

That doesn’t sound too good OP. Lockdown and being stuck in such close quarters with each other has been negative for a lot of couples but if you don’t even find you fancy him anymore, it’s not a great sign. Did you fancy him prior to lockdown, or has it been a recent development?!

Totallyfedup1979 · 02/04/2021 09:51

It depends on the room really.

If I walk into the bathroom while he’s taking a shit, it’s usually surprise.

If I walk into the kitchen while he’s rummaging through cupboards, it’s with hope.

If I walk into the bedroom, I get the double raisey eyebrows and cheeky grin.

If I walk into the living room and he’s just chilling, a quick side glance of acknowledgment and a smile.

But, when I walk into the room after a day at work he looks happy to see me.

I can tell my husband loves me just by looking at him.

Original poster

Mikethenight2good · 02/04/2021 09:59

Thanks everyone. I don't doubt he loves me. He puts me and the kids above everyone else. He is a firm family man.

What made me as I suppose is I know someone like me (I say this as it's a bit of surprise as I didn't realise I was fanceable!). His face lights up when I walk in a room. He is interested in what I have to say. Pays me attention, compliments. Made me realise I am missing this at home. So not to drip feed....I am not about to do anything with this other person. I grew up with affairs being the norm and I am not that person..just the attention from someone else has made me evaluate home...

I think if we didn't have kids maybe we had run our course. But we do. And I like th family setup so don't want to upset that....

OP posts:

gamerchick · 02/04/2021 10:54

You're in dangerous territory OP. You really need to have a chat with your husband.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 02/04/2021 11:03

Yeah this is how affairs start - not saying you’re going to, but it usually boils down to the affair partner making you feel seen. Your husband is not ‘seeing’ you at the moment and so it’s noticeable when someone else does.

FWIW my DP and I both look up, smile, outstretched our arms for a hug, say ‘hey beautiful’ or some version thereof. Even if I get up off the sofa to make a drink I usually kiss him before I go and/or when I come back! Once those moments of tenderness are gone, you’re susceptible to having your head turned if someone else does it.

Have a read of The Gottman Institute about turning towards and turning away from bids. We all make bids for attention and the way the other partner reacts can show whether you’ll be divorced in 10 years with 90% accuracy apparently. Those who turned towards each other’s bids most of the time were most likely to still be together, while those who don’t (eg don’t look up, acknowledge or react to you) are most likely to split up. Might be a good starting point for a chat with your H about what the future holds for you both.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 02/04/2021 11:06

an introduction to the idea of bids

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat · 02/04/2021 11:19

I agree that you need to speak to your husband. That feeling of being ‘seen’ by someone ended my marriage. Mind you I had talked to my dh months before about being invisible to him and hed made absolutely zero effort to address our issues, which didnt help.
You get one life, better to be alone than invisible.

Imnotbent · 02/04/2021 11:21

@Totallyfedup1979 that made me laugh but I agree it’s about context.

@Mikethenight2good urgh I’ve just realised I do that to my DH sometimes when I’m working, probably because at that moment in time he is an inconvenience If I’ve got my head into something and don’t want to be disturbed and he wanders in and starts talking I might actually sigh Sometimes I’ve reminded him I am working.

However at other times we smile (or lust) at each other. When he comes in from work I greet him, we are happy to see each other. Generally we look at each other with love, unless we are arguing and then we usually look exasperated.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 02/04/2021 11:28

If I’ve got my head into something and don’t want to be disturbed and he wanders in and starts talking I might actually sigh sad Sometimes I’ve reminded him I am working.

It’s all about the balance - as long as you have (significantly) more positive than negative interactions you’ll be fine. I always think of it like the end of The Crystal Maze when they had to catch as many gold tickets as possible, but then any silver ones they caught were deducted from the total!

FinallyFluid · 02/04/2021 11:44

Over the last year I have discovered that I would hate to have to work with DH, when his head is down, it is down and anyone is an inconvenience.

If I stick my head into the front room and he looks engrossed I will go away, if it really is important I say permission to speak and he will either say, denied (shorthand for give me five) or all ears, which is funny because he has a CI on one ear and has no hearing in the other.

We do nice little things for each other all the time, after 32 years together we are no longer jumping on each others bones, but we do sit right next to each other watching television and we hold hands whilst doing so. DS (20) is a mixture of pride and OMG holding hands at your age.

Jumpalicious · 02/04/2021 11:50

@LubaLuca

Expectantly, usually, hoping I've brought him a cup of tea or good news I think. I love him for his optimism.

Love this.

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