Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

We never reconnected after DC2 and now going through divorce- devastated.

30 replies

Amorettispaghetti · 02/04/2021 07:35

It took a while for us to find our feet as a couple again after DC1, but we found each other again after around 1 year through our shared field of work, pizza making nights, italian food, cocktails and film nights.

When DC2 was born, life became hectic as she was a very challenging baby and there was a 3 year old to contend with. DH was depressed for the first few months and busied himself with individual hobbies that I wasn't part of. I found juggling my career and 2 kids hard work so I found a less challenging role, on less hours. Suddenly, we were living very separate lives and DHs desire to to things with me just faded away. He would opt for a night out in the local pub with friends (men only) over an Italian meal with me. Whenever we have been home alone in the evenings throughout lockdown, he's opted for action films alone late in the evenings when I'm tired and ready for bed, online quizzes with his separate group of friends (which I don't enjoy doing), on Fridays he has become accustomed to a long bath once DC are in bed. Going to bed separately when DC2 was a baby and I was exhausted from breastfeeding all night long has continued, it became a habit for DH to go to bed after me. He would go into the spare bed so not to disturb me when DC2 was first born and he's continued going in there ever since "so not to disturb" me as he goes to bed much later. I feel like he resists any connection with me. He is busier than ever at work and buries his head in it, whilst my work is lighter now and I have more energy for my family.

And just like that, we have lost each other. DC2 is now 3 and we make no time for each other at all, we have acknowledged that it's over and that we opt out of each others company. I find it so hard as I watch my friends slowly reconnect with each other after having a second child, it takes some time, but I see it happen.

I'm so jealous. They all kept saying "it takes some time after a second baby, but you find each other again."

We of course, haven't. I feel like we've failed each other and our children. There isn't much hope as we have both admitted that we no longer love each other and even find ourselves really disliking each other now.

How did you reconnect with your DH after children? Where did we go wrong? Has anyone else gone through this also?

OP posts:

Getoffmyhat · 02/04/2021 07:39

Op, didn't want to read and run. No advice but sending you a big hug. Hold on in there. I'm sure wiser people will be along to help you shortly

Karwomannghia · 02/04/2021 07:43

How did it get to the point of talking about divorce? Have you talked about how you felt and what you both wanted?

tenlittlecygnets · 02/04/2021 07:49

It sounds like you're the only one making any effort here and that your h hasn't tried to prioritise you or your marriage at all.

You can't do it alone. He has to want to improve things too.

I'm not sure if it can be saved if you don't love each other any more though. I'm sorry.

FTMF30 · 02/04/2021 07:52

Where did you go wrong? DH got into hobbies that didn't include you and you had to juggle your career and kids, eventually sacrificing your career. That doesn't seem fair to me.

He seemed to become too focussed on himself and ok to let you run yourself ragged. Little team effort and a growing selfishness on your DH part.

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/04/2021 07:53

It’s not your fault, he disconnected from you. He sounds self-absorbed.

You haven’t failed here at all, your partner doesn’t have the character and imagination to make an effort.

Tohaveandtohold · 02/04/2021 07:58

Is this something you both want to change?
He has to make an effort to be with you and get involved in family life otherwise it won’t work with his self centred attitude.
Also, with his lack of effort, I feel there might already be an OW
Your DC2 is at the easy stage now, you can go to bed together, spending the evening as a couple, go out as a family, etc and it just looks like he’s checked out of family life

Veterinari · 02/04/2021 08:05

Was DC2 planned?

It sounds like you both struggled after DC1 and went ahead to repeat that for DC2 without actually discussing or agreeing with how to avoid those challenges again. Did you discuss how to avoid those same pitfalls/ work together?

It seems that lack of communication and teamwork have eroded your affection for each other

Bumpsadaisie · 02/04/2021 08:07

I don't think it's happened "just like that". It sounds like it's happened because your dh has checked out.

Couples drift apart but if there's life in the relationship, they start talking about it, resolving to send time together occasionally and to try and keep things alive.

If you're having that conversation with your DH and he still doesn't want to connect then I think it's raising the question of what's left - what is there to work with?

I don't think you should rush into divorce but if this is truly where your dh is at - not wanting to connect even once it's been realised that this is a problem - then he needs to ask what he is doing in this marriage reality ...

Hazel444 · 02/04/2021 08:16

Was your second child planned? It kind of sounds like he is not interested in family life - I think if you have one child you are basically still a couple who happens to have a child, but once you have more than one you are in complete ' family-parent' mode and it sounds like he has no interest that. Have you actually sat down and talked things through rather than just hoping to reconnect somewhere down the line? How is he with the children?

Original poster

Amorettispaghetti · 02/04/2021 08:20

I guess I've changed too.
He finds me a nag. Prior to DC2, we had a rather messy house, we were v disorganised and nothing had a place. Just before DC2, we moved to a new house which I vowed to keep clean, organised and tidy. I roped him into helping me clean, finding a place for everything, making it look nice and I think he became resentful of my sudden nagging about housework. He hated it.

Second child was planned, first child wasn't.

OP posts:

Veterinari · 02/04/2021 08:26

It's tough. It sounds like both of you have changed your priorities - he's clinging it into his previous life, you're focussed on your new house and DC.

At some point you've clearly stopped talking and working as a team. You sound like you don't like each other much any more.

Have you considered relationship counselling? If nothing else it may help you deal with your bitterness and disappointment and sadness and coparent better after your divorce

IdblowJonSnow · 02/04/2021 08:35

Your DH sounds like he's just doing his thing with little regard for you or all of you as a family.
You're not nagging him btw by getting him to help, he does bloody live there too!
How is he with the kids?
Personally I'd let him go but could you suggest couples counselling if you want it to work out?

rattlemehearties · 02/04/2021 08:38

Sounds like he hasn't pitched in to help with child rearing? Why was he having all the full nights sleep in another room?

SnuggyBuggy · 02/04/2021 08:40

It has to come from both of you I think.

Wiredforsound · 02/04/2021 08:43

My first thought was an OW giving him the attention he thinks he deserves. He sounds incredibly childish and selfish and self absorbed. When you could have been working together as a team he’s checked out, letting you pick up most of the work.

oohmama · 02/04/2021 08:51

Well it's hard to love someone who swans off to the spare room and gets a full nights sleep every night whilst you are up all night breastfeeding....

folloyourarro · 02/04/2021 09:01

I'm sorry OP. I dont think what you're describing is as normal as you think it is, "losing" and "finding" each other, especially over that period of time, I don't think you've done anything wrong, missed the boat or anything like that, it just sounds like your DH has given up on the relationship, if he won't put the effort in that isn't on you, and it isn't inevitable, he's checked out as others say. It would be salvageable if he recognised that and cared, maybe some couple's counselling?

littleburn · 02/04/2021 09:02

From your description OP it sounds like you've been run ragged with 2 kids to the point that you had to change your job to cope and your husband has simply opted out/disengaged from family life. He was depressed after your second child was born so focused on his hobbieshis free time (which he seems to have quite a lot of) is spent with his mates, he doesn't like you 'nagging' him to pull his weight around the house ... basically he wants to live the life of a person without family responsibilities.

It sounds like you're trying really hard, but if you stay together and he continues like this I dare say you'll find yourself becoming more and more resentful of him.

TeenMinusTests · 02/04/2021 09:06

This sounds to me like a case where couples counselling could actually help you both talk to each other and reconnect.
To split just because you have drifted apart seems such a shame.
Spend 6 months really trying with outside help and see where you are then?

betterfantasia · 02/04/2021 09:09

I wouldn't want to be found again by a man like this, to be honest.

OverTheRubicon · 02/04/2021 09:10

And just like that, we have lost each other

Sounds more like he's lost you. You're doing the hard yards, he swans off to the pub with mates and calls you a nag for keeping the house clean.

Agree that you should try couples counselling, as divorce is bloody hard, but if he doesn't want to engage then you have your answer.

Purplewithred · 02/04/2021 09:15

I just think you’ve both grown up into your more mature personalities and you’ve diverged. Blaming him for checking out is unfair - people check out of situations they are unhappy in. Parenthood changes both parents massively. Could you fix it/could you have avoided this? Maybe, but you both have to want to and it sounds as if you’ve both moved on. If you both want to divorce and are prepared to prioritise the children in your arrangements then as the child of an unhappy marriage I’d say go for it.

SnuggyBuggy · 02/04/2021 09:19

It's almost always men who just check out of parenthood though isn't it.

B0wl0fCrabS0up · 02/04/2021 10:34

What does he do with the children ?

Does he spend alone time with the children, so that you can have a bath, hobby, time out for yourself ?

OverTheRubicon · 02/04/2021 10:52

@Purplewithred

How can you not blame someone for checking out of parenthood and housekeeping? That's not just a 'situation', it's a big part of life once you've chosen to bring children into the world - and as @SnuggyBuggy says, it almost always seems to be the men doing the checking out, what would happen if she did the same?

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread