We never reconnected after DC2 and now going through divorce- devastated.

[Amorettispaghetti]

It took a while for us to find our feet as a couple again after DC1, but we found each other again after around 1 year through our shared field of work, pizza making nights, italian food, cocktails and film nights.

When DC2 was born, life became hectic as she was a very challenging baby and there was a 3 year old to contend with. DH was depressed for the first few months and busied himself with individual hobbies that I wasn't part of. I found juggling my career and 2 kids hard work so I found a less challenging role, on less hours. Suddenly, we were living very separate lives and DHs desire to to things with me just faded away. He would opt for a night out in the local pub with friends (men only) over an Italian meal with me. Whenever we have been home alone in the evenings throughout lockdown, he's opted for action films alone late in the evenings when I'm tired and ready for bed, online quizzes with his separate group of friends (which I don't enjoy doing), on Fridays he has become accustomed to a long bath once DC are in bed. Going to bed separately when DC2 was a baby and I was exhausted from breastfeeding all night long has continued, it became a habit for DH to go to bed after me. He would go into the spare bed so not to disturb me when DC2 was first born and he's continued going in there ever since "so not to disturb" me as he goes to bed much later. I feel like he resists any connection with me. He is busier than ever at work and buries his head in it, whilst my work is lighter now and I have more energy for my family.

And just like that, we have lost each other. DC2 is now 3 and we make no time for each other at all, we have acknowledged that it's over and that we opt out of each others company. I find it so hard as I watch my friends slowly reconnect with each other after having a second child, it takes some time, but I see it happen.

I'm so jealous. They all kept saying "it takes some time after a second baby, but you find each other again."

We of course, haven't. I feel like we've failed each other and our children. There isn't much hope as we have both admitted that we no longer love each other and even find ourselves really disliking each other now.

How did you reconnect with your DH after children? Where did we go wrong? Has anyone else gone through this also?

He's a good, hands on Dad overall. I worked 1 day every weekend for a while so he had to learn to cope with DCs. He does well with that I'd say. He also helps with them on a daily basis- dresses them, baths them, bedtimes, stories, gives them breakfast daily when I'm showering.

We were about to tell DCs about the divorce prior to this post, but we've since talked and he's agreed to relationship counselling (so thanks for saving us that heartache).

We tried relationship counselling after DC1 was born and it started out well, ended dreadfully when I asked to claim our money back. She implied very indirectly that DH had aspergers (he missed the implication entirely whereas I got it straight away) and this transpired that most of the organisational work should fall to me. He also said something quite hurtful regarding me deserving less finances and she wanted me to feel grateful that he'd opened up rather than hurt by what was said. I couldn't, she got frustrated with me and I said we wouldn't return after that. This was with a highly renowned relate counsellor. So I'm a little nervous about starting again.

I’ve heard bad things about relate. It might be an idea to seek out an accredited psychotherapist who also does couples work.

Do you ever get time away just the two of you?
I did go through a period of feeling very distant from DH after having DC2. It might not be the same because it was me feeling like checking out more than him I think.
It was around when DC2 was 3 though.
I think we'd got over tiny baby years woken up out of that fog a bit but found we'd drifted apart. I started to think I might be better off on my own as there seemed not much point being together.

I decided (pretty much without him as I am not sure he realised how bad things were in my head he just bemoaned the lack of sex) to think back to what attracted me to him in the first place, what we used to enjoy and I engineered more opportunities for those things to happen. I planned trips away together, bought gig tickets and a joint gym membership. I did some faking it til you make it but actually when we were at a festival together child free or something like that then I found I was still attracted to him. We just needed to get away from being mum and dad.
That was quite a long time ago now and I think we are OK again. Still argue, he probably still wishes there was more sex but we also enjoy things together and are there for one another.

I hope you can get through this but he has to want to as well. I know my DH would have been devastated if I'd told him I had thought of us splitting up even though the relationship was a shit for us both. I know he would have wanted to try so I decided i just had to as well.

@Amorettispaghetti

I guess I've changed too. He finds me a nag. Prior to DC2, we had a rather messy house, we were v disorganised and nothing had a place. Just before DC2, we moved to a new house which I vowed to keep clean, organised and tidy. I roped him into helping me clean, finding a place for everything, making it look nice and I think he became resentful of my sudden nagging about housework. He hated it.

Second child was planned, first child wasn't.

He didn't become resentful of you 'nagging'. He became resentful at being expected to behave like a parent, a partner, a fucking ADULT! So he sulked like only a teenaged boy can sulk, to punish you for not doing absolutely everything all by yourself.

And this was pre-DC2, which he then followed up with "DH was depressed for the first few months and busied himself with individual hobbies that I wasn't part of." Depressed? Or still punishing you by withdrawing completely and again, abdicating responsibility for being a parent, a partner, an adult?

He sounds like such a prick.

I think it's good you are going to try counseling. I had a terrible Relate counselor and gave up
on it very quickly. I find divorce difficult, miss him and DC when with him, and really wish I had given counseling a proper go. It's a regret that lingers.