DH - depressed or cheating ?

[brassbedknobs]

List of things currently happening with my DH. Seems to have accelerated in the last month or so. He's always been a little lacklustre with making special plans but has made up for it by being kind, sweet and attentive.
Please give your views on what you think could be happening here.

Lying about money

Started having a bottle of aftershave in his car

Started working weekends/late

Sending himself photos of only himself off my phone. Says it’s because he looked good and wanted them as memories.... but didn’t want any of the 100’s of us I’ve taken of us together?

(He works in building trade) tells me about women who eye him up on the train or chat him up when he’s working on a job.

Receiving what looked like porn on his phone whilst lying next to
me in bed and quickly deleting before I can see who sent it or what it was.

Sneaking off to make phone calls to his friend who is male, single 10 years younger and very immature.

Snappy about everything

Doesn’t acknowledge my achievements

Real lack of affection despite me wfh alone all day he will come home and be distant. Knowing that I'm going through a difficult time personally.

No effort.

Never instigates plans or special meals at home etc

Generally detached and leaves a lot to me.

Saying he’s depressed and self harming/considering suicide

Giggling over a text message he received when I was talking to him about a shared tragic incident we have both experienced together.(details are outing)

I asked him if he wanted some space to be alone and his was response was “but I do love you though” followed up with “if we broke up I couldn’t be bothered to meet anyone else anyway. I can’t be doing with the stress”

How long have you been together ? Has he ever shown any suicidal tendencies before ?

I've never known depression to involve aftershave. Sorry .
He doesn't exactly sound like he's been much of a prince , maybe tell him you can do better and dump him before he dumps you ?

I've never known depression to involve aftershave

No, but he could be trying to cover up smoking (doesn’t usually work though).

Doesn’t sound like depression to me
Sounds like he’s online dating

Together 10 years. Never any indication of cheating or anything like that, which I know doesn't count for much!

As it happens, we were having some works done at our home recently and another tradesman came to the house. I was out walking our dog and the ring doorbell alerted my phone to say someone as at the door. I looked on the camera and there was my DH smoking with the other tradesmen!

I asked him about it and he said it was a one off and to stop spying on him!!

I have been saying to him recently he has stunk of cigarettes and he said it's because of other people on his site but supposedly he's lone working so I'm not sure how that works.

He has had bouts of being down in the past but never before spoken about suicide.

He’s cheating and will probably play the mental health card if you challenge him.
He may even threaten suicide if he feels he’s losing.

I feel like this is driving me mad.

For context we have had a lot happen over the last few years so it's not always been easy. But we have always remained loving and supportive of one another.

I can cope with anything as long as I feel I'm being respected and not taken for granted, and that's not the case.

It's like a light switch has been flicked with him and he's another person the last few weeks. Despite me basically telling him I want a bit more effort from him.... there's just nothing. He says he feels he's constantly apologising but I feel I'm constantly thinking for both of us.

It does all sound quite suspicious really . How do you know he is ringing his male friend ? If he definitely is could there be something going on there ? Why does he need to sneak off to speak to a friend ? Or could they both have joined some internet dating site and they are laughing about that ?

How old is he OP?

Well this is my worry @pumpkinpie01 .... I've met his friend a number of times and he's nice enough, but immature and on a completely different path (10 years younger than DH too).

This friend is newly single and is meeting women online and I have said to DH a number of times if he thinks that life sounds like the life he wants he knows where the door is, but he insists it's not what he wants despite finding the whole thing utterly hilarious whenever there's an update.

It could be both!

It sounds like his mental health isn’t great and that’s coming along with some quite destructive behaviours.

It’s hard to know what you can do given we don’t know so much about how you communicate, but I’d thing having a compassionate conversation about your worries over his might be a good place to start. An accusatory conversation about affairs probably wouldn’t be the best route into finding out what’s going on with him

@JackRussellJacket hes 37

He’s a liar. That’s your first reason for divorce.
He’s probably not going to admit the truth so you have to consider whether you want to live the rest of your life like this.
Do you have kids ?
If I were you I’d be quietly getting my ‘ducks in a row’ while you think about it.

@DinosaurDiana No, no kids. That's part of the issue here, or has certainly been a strain on our relationship.

He talks sometimes about himself like he's the provider of our home and how he spends so much money around the house. The truth is, I earn more than he does and I'm not a "kept woman" like some of his friends girlfriends so I could afford to live alone if I chose to.

Gosh, I can't believe I'm even thinking like this. Is this what the beginning of the end feels like

Cheating or not (and it sounds like he’s definitely up to something) he sounds like a substandard partner. Why waste any more time?

Sounds to me like this younger bloke has probably been bragging about his escapades with online dating and your DH is now involved . Why on earth would he want a decent pic of himself ! That alone is very suspicious

It doesn't sound good.

What excuse did he give you for the porn text?

This is exactly what I experienced when I had been together with my DH for about the same length of time. My DH became dissatisfied with our life, looked at people around him who were younger and thought that they were having more fun.

There started the behaviours you describe. Worried about how he looked, asking for photos of himself to be taken (x100) until he found one he liked, wanted to have cosmetic surgery because he didn’t like the way he looked, behaving totally out of character, wanted to go out drinking with a younger friend and got so drunk he ended up sleeping outside in the garden because he couldn’t get through the door. Our life in comparison was boring and he suddenly seemed to be preoccupied with what other men were doing. He had never liked pubs and now suddenly he was in there getting pissed and peeing in the canal at weekends.

It’s like a mid life crisis although your DH is still pretty young. They look around themselves and think everyone is having a better time while dating, partying, whatever.

My DH was diagnosed with depression. All I can say to you is that it is really shit to live with. The destructive behaviours were awful and he genuinely didn’t seem to give a stuff what I thought. He became preoccupied with himself and was desperately trying to recapture his ‘lost youth’. We almost split up. It was awful. He’s now on anti-depressants, had therapy and is a lot more stable.

Do you have children together OP?

You are going to need to look after yourself OP. Don’t worry about him. Think about you.

for you xx

The pictures of himself sparked a huge row. Mainly because I take lots of photos of us both (separately and together) and he shows very little interest!

Then out of the blue he asks for my phone and says he wants to have some nice pictures on his phone.

I then looked at what he'd sent as he sent them via WhatsApp... 3. On his own, looking nice with no signs of me or the fact he's married!

Porn text he said was stupid building site banter and he deleted it because he knew I would kick off. But it was the fact he was so quick to delete it and the double delete it which really made me lose it. Truth is I'll never know what it was.

He said the next day he spoke to the guy who sent it and told them he didn't want any of that s*it sent to him and that it had caused troubles at home. I didn't speak to him the next day and he said that made his MH worse as he likes to be able to talk to me during the day.

@MadeInMonaco Thankyou for your kind words and sharing your experience.

Yes DH is young but he did struggle with health when he was young and so never really got those "young" years out of his system like many of us!

In fairness he is the least party animal I've never known, doesn't like doing much and barely drinks. Yet he seems to think his young friends lifestyle is utterly hilarious despite protesting the opposite.

This is completely dragging me down and I feel I deserve more.

No kids, just us and a dog. 50/50 on the house. So I guess that makes all of this a little easier.

Maybe I'm being naive here, but this is man with whom you've had a good and loving relationship up to this point. Surely if he tells you that his mental health is failing that's what you believe and try to do something about first?

How old are you, OP? You say you want children and that’s putting strain on the relationship. Don’t sleep walk into childlessness, especially bearing in mind he could leave you years from now and start a family with a younger woman.

Just read your update OP.

He talks sometimes about himself like he's the provider of our home and how he spends so much money around the house.

He’s feeling inadequate. This is very characteristic a mid life crisis / depression. Has to try to big himself up because he is actually feeling disempowered and inadequate in some way. They grasp onto behaviours to make themselves feel better...drinking, smoking, partying with single friends. Underneath it all they are feeling pretty lost and crap. Trouble is you can’t sympathise with them because their behaviour is so destructive.

I could have written your post OP. I’m sorry you are going through this.

@6079SmithW I have tried. I have found him local therapists. I have offered to wait in the car whilst he goes for his appointments. I have pleaded with him to take time off (offered to cover any loss of earnings). I have tried showing him more affection/praise. All I have asked for it at the evenings and weekends he has a little less time on the phone with his work friends (mainly one). For context he will get home around 5, I'll finish work around 6. By the time we have walked the dog, had dinner, washed etc it's 8pm and he'll have probably had at least one call/texts and then be saying he is ready for bed by 9.

So I have 3 hours a night with him and I feel I get the worse of him in that time.

I have tried giving him space. Last night (against covid rules I know!) I took our dog and came and stayed at my Mums house. He didn't even call to check we were ok, ordinarily he would have at least done that.

@Dery I'm 32. For context there's no chance of us walking into a life with children blindly. Over the years we have had a number of cycles of IUI, clomid and IVF resulting in various losses and a stillborn.

The last couple of years I've really focused on my career and have been doing really well and getting lots of praise and a significant promotion. My mum said the thinks he might be a tad jealous /feel inadequate and I'd have NEVER thought of him like that as he was always my biggest cheerleader but what you're saying @MadeInMonaco makes me wonder otherwise.