DH - depressed or cheating ?

[brassbedknobs]

List of things currently happening with my DH. Seems to have accelerated in the last month or so. He's always been a little lacklustre with making special plans but has made up for it by being kind, sweet and attentive.
Please give your views on what you think could be happening here.

Lying about money

Started having a bottle of aftershave in his car

Started working weekends/late

Sending himself photos of only himself off my phone. Says it’s because he looked good and wanted them as memories.... but didn’t want any of the 100’s of us I’ve taken of us together?

(He works in building trade) tells me about women who eye him up on the train or chat him up when he’s working on a job.

Receiving what looked like porn on his phone whilst lying next to
me in bed and quickly deleting before I can see who sent it or what it was.

Sneaking off to make phone calls to his friend who is male, single 10 years younger and very immature.

Snappy about everything

Doesn’t acknowledge my achievements

Real lack of affection despite me wfh alone all day he will come home and be distant. Knowing that I'm going through a difficult time personally.

No effort.

Never instigates plans or special meals at home etc

Generally detached and leaves a lot to me.

Saying he’s depressed and self harming/considering suicide

Giggling over a text message he received when I was talking to him about a shared tragic incident we have both experienced together.(details are outing)

I asked him if he wanted some space to be alone and his was response was “but I do love you though” followed up with “if we broke up I couldn’t be bothered to meet anyone else anyway. I can’t be doing with the stress”

If he is telling you his mental health is poor, do encourage him to seek help from his GP. And keep encouraging it.

As previous posters have said if he was previously a good partner then I wouldn’t throw in the towel just yet but I would be saying that he really needs to seek help and that I was worried.

I agree with your Mum.

I also think the fertility issues may be significant. He’s not young free and single but he’s also not able to father a child. He knows you can manage by yourself and you are doing well in your career and out-earn him. For some men, including my DH, all this is emasculating. He’s not actually providing at all is he?

It sounds like he is trying to be someone different because he doesn’t actually like himself much and possibly feels a bit of a failure.

Look after yourself OP, first and foremost. Build a support network around you. Try not to get preoccupied with what he is doing but think about you. This is having an impact on your well-being too so it is important you look after yourself x

So sorry for your losses too . Do you think your DH is grieving in some way?

@MadeInMonaco Thankyou again for your kind words.

It's ironic you say that as he often refers to himself as a failure and a "loser" and I always remind him that he is none of those things in my eyes but I guess if you don't believe those things yourself then it doesn't matter what anyone else tells you.

He totally acts the part around his friends, joker of the pack, acts like a bit of a wide boy and yet I see the worst of him. I'd been thinking maybe I am bringing the worst out in him and making him unhappy in my presence.

I do know that we would never get beyond cheating. That's my one rule. Simply because I would never be able to forget it and make both of our lives a misery as a result, I hope he hasn't gone and done that to try and boost his self worth.

He's not depressed, just a dickhead
He lies about money, boasts about other women liking him, taking selfie's that would be the last thing you feel like doing if depressed.
I would strongly think he's online dating too. His mate is the reflection of his maturity, sorry op but you could do so much better than him, you sound like you have your life together and don't need to depend on him, his behaviour is enough not to put up with him.

Do sit down and talk with him. Tell him what you have noticed, how he refers to himself, that he seems desperate and unhappy. Encourage him to speak with the GP. Or get a referral to an NHS talking therapies service (you can often self refer online and if you are in the UK it is free). There is so much help out there. Counselling could really help him because it’s someone independent he can talk to about how he’s feeling. When we get involved (you or I) it feels personal, they can feel like it is an attack or we are blaming them. It is hard for us to keep our own thoughts and feelings out of it. I used to start a supportive conversation and it would often end in an argument because of the impact the behaviour was having on me! If they speak with a counsellor it is totally independent.

If he has mentioned suicide then this needs to be communicated to his GP. He would be a priority referral.

And think about counselling for yourself too. I did. It was a massive support during a turbulent time.

I m afraid my instinct is affair. My ex did the same thing marked changes in behaviour, staying out late with younger crowd/work people, withdrew from relationship, angry at me as if reasonable requests were controlling, strangely secretive and andgrt at me, said he thought he was depressed. I found out he’d been having an affair for 6 months with someone from work. He ll try to roll out the script and try to get others to sympathise with him by saying he s depressed. Ex’s depression was basically guilt at the affair.

I d take back control and start to take steps in preparation that it might be the end. I think hard to recover the relationship once the trust has gone. Sending strength and resolve for getting through tough times. Better things to come ahead in the long term.

Cheating or EA’s, flirting etc. He’s checked out.
Get ur ducks in a row or settle in for this for the rest of ur life.

@hamstersarse

It could be both!

It sounds like his mental health isn’t great and that’s coming along with some quite destructive behaviours.

It’s hard to know what you can do given we don’t know so much about how you communicate, but I’d thing having a compassionate conversation about your worries over his might be a good place to start. An accusatory conversation about affairs probably wouldn’t be the best route into finding out what’s going on with him

Brilliant post.

@hamstersarse is right.

I think people don’t always realise what depression and mental illness looks like in some people. It’s not always withdrawal and tearfulness. It is often chaos, unpredictable and uncharacteristic behaviours and impulsiveness. My DH did some very random things which he now looks back on as desperation because he felt he was losing his mind.

So yes it could be both but best to have those compassionate conversations, get some external support first (urgent if suicide or self harm is mentioned) and deal with the rest as you go along. Things will become clearer in time.

If the person who love and want to spend your life with says they are depressed then I don’t see why you won’t believe they are suffering from mental health problems. But he needs a doctors diagnosis and treatment plan if that if the case.

The bottom line is that people with MH problems behave erratically and withdraw. I don’t think you have to live with that if it makes you unhappy. And you can tell him that. He can address depression if he is motivated to.

If this is him checking out then you don’t have to live with that either. And you can tell him that.

I don’t think the pps on here could ever know his truth. They haven’t met him or experienced him and most have no real insight into mental health.

As it stands you are confused and unhappy. I don’t think any of us can help with the confusion. You need to talk and you need counselling.

My DH started doing some of these things . Grooming products , selfies, too young clothes. I put it down to MLC fear of aging. Turns out he was trying to make himself attractive for OLD . This despite the fact that he too, knew that infidelity would be s deal breaker. When caught he also pulled the depression card. Which I found hugely insulting as I had struggled for years, starting with PND
My attempt for good mental health did not include shsgging .
Not saying for definite that your man is definitely cheating , but dont be unaware of the possibility.

@LemonTT it's not that I don't believe him. He said he has spoken to his consultant at the hospital about counselling and hasn't heard back (not sure if that's true).

I have offered to help find him a therapist, help pay for it if he needs to.

I have had lots of therapy myself so I do know how much it can help but he says that he doesn't want to talk to anyone.

Support him but don't lose yourself doing so. You can't drink from an empty cup, and at the end of the day he has to do the heavy lifting if he is depressed.

And if he refuses to get any help then you need to take the next steps of prioritizing yourself. If it is an early MLC then the shock of actually losing you might bring his priorities into focus.

Wow OP, he’s displaying every sign of cheating and/or deliberately disconnecting from you and making you feel insecure, yet you’re feeling pressurised to look after him.

Fuck that.

Thankyou all, I was so worried I'd be torn to shreds on here (dont know why!)

I feel so ridiculous even asking this. Believe it or not I'm a reasonably smart woman- but I'm much better at giving advice than knowing what to do myself!!

When we do inevitably speak, perhaps if he calls me today (I'm still at Mums) what should I say to him to:

a) stop it escalating into a row

or

b) prevent him from saying "oh so you're ruining our weekend" which is his default response.

Thankyou x

You can't prevent him from saying you're ruining the weekend but that really is passing the buck if he says that, trying to make you feel guilty for a situation you have not created . You really do need to get to the bottom of it , stress that neither of you are happy at the moment and you need some honest answers from him . Good luck , but also trust your gut

@brassbedknobs I hope I didn't sound unsympathetic. Like others have said, even if he is depressed, you need to look after yourself first and foremost and not get pulled down that particular rabbit hole.

If he is feeling inadequate then your (well meaning) offer to find and pay for a therapist is not going to have helped. Also he needs to want to feel better and be ready to do the work necessary to do it.

Have you considered just approaching it head on? Arrange a Relate appointment. Tell him you will attend with or without him (my bet is he will agree because he'll want to hear what you are going to say about him ). Tell him that you want the marriage to work but spell out the behaviour you need him to change. Don't volunteer to fix everything but ask if there is anything he needs from you.

I wish you the very best.

Honestly it sounds like you've had a really tough couple of years. A good sit down and a talk might be all that's needed

he is on-line dating, Sorry

The excise about the image being from a work mate is silly since it would have been easy to show you that was who it was from rather than a quick delete.

As for what you can do to avoid a row or stop him saying you are ruining the weekend it’s always worth bearing in mind that healthy, mature, adult communication is not something you can achieve all by yourself - it’s a two way street, and the other person has to be willing and capable of putting in the effort to communicate well. People always seem to forget that and think if they just said something the right way it would all be fine - that’s next to impossible if the other person isn’t also willing and actually wants to communicate honestly.

He’s cheating and will probably play the mental health card if you challenge him

This was exactly me thought, sorry OP.