AIBU

[Tilpop]

Yesterday I attended my grandfathers (my dads) funeral.

I hadn't spoken to him or seen him in 20 odd years.

There is a lot of back story to this but I will keep it brief.

My dad is a sibling of four I will call them 1 2 3 and 4.

1 and 3 always stuck together and 2 and 4 always stuck together.

2 (my dad) has done well for himself.... three businesses all bought built and sold for a profit. Good life family etc.

1 done for flashing, his. wife died of alcoholism 8 years ago ( she had an awful life with him)

3 struck off NHS register for reasons unknown.., always spent mummy and daddy's money, married with two kids (daddy's girl)

4 committed suicide 8 years ago

I'm a granddaughter to the man of the funeral we attended and I hated him.

I was asked to bake a cake and create an emblem of his time in the special forces for the gathering after which I begrudged but I did anyway.

This whole shit show has made me mad in that he was made out to be a massive family man when sons 2 (my dad) was f@@ked off and son 4 killed him self to get away.

Never have I ever felt so ashamed or embarrassed to be in a room where a speech mentioned me by name but the man that lay in that coffin refused to acknowledge me as a grandchild because I was female.

My dad was told upon son 4's
suicide "the wrong son is dead now f@@k off"

This was my grandfather .... a man who never knew me nor me him.

But I was expected to acknowledge him ..... because he died.

AIBU to feel angry that I was made to try and respect him and send him off when he never acknowledged me in RL

Sorry for your loss.

I think you'd be better posting this in Relationships, will askfor it to be moved.

You are not being unreasonable. I hate this “ everyone is an angel when they die” mentality. Good news is you’ll never have to do it again though right? It was one day of acting and now you can move on.

@RaspberryCoulis

Sorry for your loss.

I think you'd be better posting this in Relationships, will askfor it to be moved.

I don’t think she’s sorry for her loss because there has been no loss, there was no relationship. But I am sorry for the crappy way he treated you OP.

Is a great conspiracy, this lie that we have to do x or say y. Start speaking up for the truth and you can turn that family story around.

Ah that sounds shit I'm sorry.

Who is it that made you go? Don't know your circumstances but I wouldn't turn up to the funeral of someone I hated. Hope you're able to stand up to people in your life and set boundaries for yourself (if there's someone dictating to you). Might be worth thinking about how to go about that for when similar situations rise in the future.

Your grandad doesn't sound like he was a good man. Mine isn't and I don't know him either, I focus on the family that I do have and that I love. Hope you're okay

We're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic for the OP.

I don’t think you should have gone to the funeral.

I thought I'd walked into the wrong funeral when people started making speeches about what a wondering person my mother was
She was a bitter nasty alcoholic and had been for over 20 years
Dying doesn't change who they were

I went to my fathers funeral - hadn’t seen him for 30 years - was just checking he was dead

The speeches made no sense. No one cried.

As we left I thought ‘why utter crap’ and haven’t given it a second thought!

Why on earth did you go? I wouldn’t have and I wouldn’t have given a jot.

I'm sorry that you felt you had to be a part of this and do what what you were told

@RaspberryCoulis 'sorry for your loss' is incredibly insulting here. Did you not read the OP?

OP, funerals are ridiculous sometimes and bear no resemblance to the person. You got through it and you are not being at all unreasonable in feeling angry.

I felt like this at my grandmother's funeral.

My cousins and I were agog at the speeches saying how welcoming and kind she was to all and sundry.

Didn't stretch as far as us though. When she had fallen out with our parents - many occasions over the years for the slightest of reasons - it was as if we didn't exist.

She had 8 children and was very much 'divide and conquer' and all were either in or out of favour at any given time.

Thank you, I was hoping it wasn't just me being a cow

This man was a bully, he used to call us names (dog breath being the favourite)

He chose his favourite children and grandchildren (hence I was shit)

He made fun of my name and my hair colour, even told my dad I couldn't possibly be his because no one else on his side has this colour (my mums side however he loads)

I hate that I hate him because I always wanted a grandad I just hope my dad never follows in his footsteps 💔

Why on earth did you go? Or make a cake?

I think the person you should be angry with is your father for (presumably) expecting you to go to the funeral.

I'd never go to the funeral of someone I neither knew nor liked.

@MadMadMadamMim
I feel now I was manipulated to go. Not just me but my mum and sister also. Because everyone knew we didn't get along and us "turning up" was an eye opener.

Everyone flocked to my dad asking how he was (knowing the truth of how he was treated) I felt sorry my my dad.

It was almost like he was such a bastard that we needed to and up numbers as to not make his funeral a 5 person show 🙄

That was meant to say
To turn up

Well I'd let it go now. He was a twat. You went out of family loyalty or politeness. He's dead and buried.

Don't waste another moment of thought or emotion on someone not worth your time and energy.

YANBU at all for how you feel but you, your parents and your sister are BU for attending the funeral and not standing up to the other family members pressuring you. I appreciate I don’t know the full backstory but in your position I’d have said “I won’t be making a cake or attending because I had no relationship with this man, and he always treated me with utter contempt”.