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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MIL issues since baby

47 replies

Beforeiforget333 · 01/04/2021 14:33

Hi all,

I'm having some issues with boundaries with my MIL. These issues are now affecting my relationship but I have no idea how to tackle them in a kind way.

My MIL is a lovely woman, but extremely overpowering (she has used these words to describe herself, so she knows she can be a bit much).

Since our baby was born 5 months ago she has gone into overdrive. In the last week alone she has:

  • Snatched my son from my arms while I was talking to him
  • Taken a piece of wrapper, wiped it on the ice cream she had been licking and put in my son's mouth before I could stop her (we have only just started weaning, she didn't ask and, well, covid!? Angry)
  • I bought some mini trees for my own garden and she had a 'quiet word' with my husband to say that I didn't buy 'right trees' (no idea what the right trees are, I had not even discussed buying them with her) and now they have both said I have to return them. I am not welcome to touch my own garden, as this is her domain it seems. She does not live with us.

I have shut off from my husband since he had a 'chat' with me about her request yesterday because I'm just a little baffled as to why his mother feels she can dictate what I can and cannot buy for myself and I feel like my husband okayed what she was doing. We have an amazing marriage otherwise, but he generally always follows his mothers advice and requests and it is now starting to be an issue for me.

Now, quite frankly, I'm terrible at being assertive and I am a pushover. I need to speak to my husband about the issue as it's causing me major anxiety. I dread her coming over and feel very imposed upon when she is here. I make every effort to be a loving and caring DIL, but she has made me feel like a bit of a mug recently.

I just don't know how to go about this without causing upset or family rifts? Any tips from anyone? Or am I just being overly sensitive?

OP posts:
mrssunshinexxx · 01/04/2021 14:54

@Beforeiforget333 you don't just have a mil problem you have a husband problem too. Next time she tries to snatch your baby without asking if she can have a hold, stand firm. Don't take the trees back, plant them ASAP. Tell her you don't feel comfortable anyone other than you feeding baby as he is only just being weaned and you've waited x amount of years to be a mum and you want to be in control of certain aspects and enjoy it!
Can you tell I don't have a good relationship with mine

SaveWaterDrinkGin · 01/04/2021 15:03

Exactly what @mrssunshinexxx said. Your husband needs to step up here.

You need to address this now as it will only get worse.

Giantrooster · 01/04/2021 15:13

Trying to be an accommodating dil, having a problem being assertive has probably made both your mil and dh used to you being a pushover. You have to set some boundaries quickly, the hard part is doing it nicely.

With your dh it shouldn't be a problem telling him, you are an adult in your own home, it's you who gets to call the shots.

Mil-wise perhaps tell her it is becoming a bit overwhelming and you would like to do things your way, making your own mistakes, but you will ask for advice/help if needed.

But get your dh onboard first, he needs to understand (even though he sounds to be in his dm's pockets). Perhaps you have both been a little wet, chosen to not assert yourselves because it was easy and now it's too much.

(About the trees, what is the problem? Wondered if it's genuinely good advice eg. perhaps they grow at the speed of lightening Grin).

Nonverba · 01/04/2021 15:16

You need to speak to your DH now and make him aware he either sticks up for you or his mother, but if he chooses her then you guys are done.

He cannot allow his mother to dictate your home

Also you need to tell her firmly but without anger she needs to back off, it is your baby and home not hers, she has had her new family and this one is your.

She needs to back off or she won’t be welcome

MeridasMum · 01/04/2021 15:18

(About the trees, what is the problem? Wondered if it's genuinely good advice eg. perhaps they grow at the speed of lightening ).

I wondered about this too. Are they thorny? Poisonous? Something else?

Other PPs are giving you great advice here, please take it.

I had a horrendous time with my MIL but luckily DH was on side. It would have ended my marriage if he wasn't. I'm not being over-dramatic!

BlackMarauder · 01/04/2021 15:20

You have a huge husband problem. He's on his mother's side and they're untied against you. Until this changes, your marriage is in trouble.

You're a mother in your own right now. This is the time to find your voice and stand up for how you want to raise your child. You are the woman of your house. You got to start dictating how you want to run your household. Your MIL needs to know her place.

Luhou · 01/04/2021 15:22

Hi,

Oh my gosh I could have literally written this myself!

I also have a 5month old and MIL has been a total dick since she was born. Desperate for me to leave her with her, tells me how to do everything constantly, ignores my wishes, tells me the house is a mess etc.

She has always been like this and my husband didn't see it as much, but now she is like this with our daughter he has finally realised what she's like.

I think you should speak to your husband and tell him how you feel and then maybe speak to your MIL together. We have tried this on several occasions and she doesn't listen now don't see her very much.

Good Luck!

Mawi · 01/04/2021 15:24

I had this shit years ago, I put a stop to it by pointing out to DH that he chose to live with me and if he wanted what his mother wanted then to go back and live with her again but in my house his or my mothers opinions, styles, marriage advice etc. was not welcome unless requested. I did not allow my mother to dictate how I run my home/life/marriage so I was not going to allow his mother to.

The first few times he pushed back and told her it was not happening she cried and then when she realised that was not working she got FIL to phone DH and tell him to do as she says. FIL says MIL wants it done this way and DH says NO and FIL never mentioned it again. She tried this a few times and then realised that no one is allowed to tell us what is happening in our home.

He was conditioned from birth to not say no to his mother because she would cry and FIL is a weak ass man who could not deal with the tears so gave in and all the DC were trained to do the same. That does not wash with me. I pointed out that she was an adult using tears like a child, crying to get her own way. DH had never realised this. We do not give in to our DC having a tantrum so we definitely don't give in to an adult doing it. I also pointed out to DH that me in a bad mood with him was a lot worse than his mother crying.

It is your home, your baby, your marriage. Stand up to her. Just say no that doesn't work for me, I don't remember asking for your opinion, do not take my baby out of my arms, do not give me orders. Stand up for yourself or leave if you aren't going to or if your DH won't because it will not get any better.

IEat · 01/04/2021 15:30

DH may have the same issue with his mum, not being able to stand up and say No piss off to her.
Could speak to him and ask if he feels he can say no to her
To her I’d say ‘that’s an idea I hadn’t thought of that I’ll consider it’ to what ever shit suggestion she comes up with , then forget it and move on with you and DH originally plans

IntermittentParps · 01/04/2021 15:32

I just don't know how to go about this without causing upset or family rifts
First of all, why care about that? Your DH and MIL clearly don't care about causing YOU upset.

Tell your DH you've never heard anything so silly as the trees thing. Don't give it the time of day any longer, and obviously don't return them.
And don't see her/bring your baby to see her, and make clear to them both that this is because she has snatched your son from your arms, and fed him ice cream unhygienically and without asking.

BasiliskStare · 01/04/2021 15:32

@Beforeiforget333 - just stick up for yourself but also think that granny may be being kind in her own way.

My MIL once said - in my kitchen - I don't agree with grandson going to a nursery "because I love him" - I stood up and said he is going to this nursery because we - parents - love him - Some years later MIL said - that was that best nursery ever

GrumpyHoonMain · 01/04/2021 15:37

If she’s otherwise a good woman then the best thing you can do is raise these issues as you experience them. By ignoring them at the time and then stewing over it you risk a blow out that will probably ruin the relationship.

So next time she does something you don’t agree with then tell her to stop, explain why, and any challenge needs to be stopped with a gentle ‘I’m his mum x not you’. If she cares about you, and it sounds like she does, that might be the prompt she needs to start respecting boundaries better

mrssunshinexxx · 01/04/2021 15:40

How are things now ? @MeridasMum we are in smoother waters at the mo but it will change when restrictions ease I'm sure I'm
Dreading it. He is still in their pockets a little I would like to think I would know what he would do if push comes to shove

MeridasMum · 01/04/2021 15:47

@mrssunshinexxx

How are things now ? *@MeridasMum* we are in smoother waters at the mo but it will change when restrictions ease I'm sure I'm Dreading it. He is still in their pockets a little I would like to think I would know what he would do if push comes to shove
MIL has now passed away. We've been married 23 years and our eldest child is now a young adult.

However, it didn't ever really stop while she was fit and able. I struggled to stand up to her when I was younger and she consistently undermined me with the children.

As I said, DH was on side so it helped. I think eventually she tried to hold back but it was in her. Her arrogance was bigger than her ability to relinquish control.

The sad thing was - the more she tried, the more we retreated and the less she saw of the DCs. I'm sure she would have loved a closer relationship with them but her behaviour restricted that. I often wonder if she had regrets. You reap what you sow

Ellie56 · 01/04/2021 15:50

We have an amazing marriage otherwise, but he generally always follows his mothers advice.

If he generally always follows his mother's advice it is not an amazing marriage in a good way.

I like the way @Mawi dealt with her DH and MIL. ou should stand up for yourself and do the same.

What's the problem with the trees anyway?

ravenmum · 01/04/2021 15:50

I just don't know how to go about this without causing upset or family rifts?
If there's a family rift because you complain about a tree, that is their fault, not yours.
Upset is already being caused. They are upsetting you. Let them know.

And honestly, the best thing I ever did, after decades of this shit, was starting to let my ex-FIL know when I was annoyed. We get on better now than we did when I was married to his son.

mrssunshinexxx · 01/04/2021 15:58

@MeridasMum 100% you really do. My mum died suddenly last year I'm only 27 it was a few weeks before I had my first baby o don't even know how I've survived but let's just say mil hasn't helped she likes to play the victim and wonders why I don't want to be best friends. Honestly families are seriously hard work. What I would give for my mum

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 01/04/2021 16:01

I think the first thing you need to do is find out more about the trees. The absolute worst would be if she had a really good reason for advising against, you dig your heels and then have to bloody correct the mistake thus demonstrating to your dh that she was right all along.
I adopt the 5 whys with dh and his dm whom I love and adore. If he can't answer 5 why's then I say we'll do it my way so. Or if the answers are stupid like because that's the way we did it.

Oneeyeopen · 01/04/2021 16:01

Oh mil could you send your half for our bills over please?
As you seem to think this is your jolly fucking house.

MeridasMum · 01/04/2021 16:12

[quote mrssunshinexxx]@MeridasMum 100% you really do. My mum died suddenly last year I'm only 27 it was a few weeks before I had my first baby o don't even know how I've survived but let's just say mil hasn't helped she likes to play the victim and wonders why I don't want to be best friends. Honestly families are seriously hard work. What I would give for my mum [/quote]
Oh I'm so sorry. That must be hard. Thinking of you

2bazookas · 01/04/2021 16:13

Just stand your ground with a bald satement of How Things Are in My House;

Trees; " I chose these trees and I'm going to keep them and see what happens. "

Baby " Stop/no/don't do that. . I don't like it ".

Do not start (or end) your statements with "I'm sorry" "Excuse me but" or "Please" and don't offer any supporting reasons.

If she argues , you don't engage with her comment; just repeat your statement,

" As I said, I chose the trees and I'm keeping them to see what happens".
"As I said, I don't want you to do that".

FeistySheep · 01/04/2021 16:14

It is tough if you feel you're not assertive, but there's no reason you can't be. You can do it!

Start with your husband as he's the main issue here. A pesky MIL is not so bad when your husband stands with you. You need to spell it out plain that when he married you, he made you his number one person. Therefore by placing his mother's opinion above yours he is devaluing your marriage. Tell him you can't accept being in this position. Ask him how he's going to change.

The only way to sort MIL is just to keep on and on politely rebuffing her controlling behaviour. When she complained about your trees you could have just said something lightheartedly - 'Oh, don't you like them? I think they're wonderful!' and then changed the conversation. I don't know if she'll ever change, but you can change the way you respond to her arsiness, and take back your control of your own life.

Good luck OP!

2bazookas · 01/04/2021 16:20

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

I think the first thing you need to do is find out more about the trees. The absolute worst would be if she had a really good reason for advising against, you dig your heels and then have to bloody correct the mistake thus demonstrating to your dh that she was right all along. I adopt the 5 whys with dh and his dm whom I love and adore. If he can't answer 5 why's then I say we'll do it my way so. Or if the answers are stupid like because that's the way we did it.
No! OP is a grown adult and if she has made a gardening mistake then she will bear the consequence (dead trees; not the end of the planet)

I am a besotted gardener. We all take risks with plants and push
boundaries of what's hardy or suitable; and sometimes/often we get it wrong and the plant dies. That's the very nature of gardening.

littlebillie · 01/04/2021 16:21

Politely be firm, otherwise you will end up with no relationship.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2021 16:28

Do not JADE your MIL i.e justify, argue, defend or explain your decisions. She will continue to meddle and further interfere in your lives if you at all allow this to happen; such types do not change.

As others have written its your house, your baby and your marriage. Who is your H's primary loyalty to now; you and his child as his family or his overpowering mother?. He tending to always follow her advice and requests within your marriage is itself a problem anyway. Does he like many such men to these dysfunctional types default to child mode in her presence?. He still seeking her approval as an adult is a problem.

Re boundaries you need to decide what is and is not acceptable to you from his mother and her son your H - their behaviour to date is nothing short of appalling so do not at all worry about further causing family rifts because that has already happened. You being unassertive of your own needs has given his mother more power here; take some power back. Your feelings matter too.

I would also read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward to further understand the power and control dynamics that are being played out here.

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