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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

MIL issues since baby

47 replies

Beforeiforget333 · 01/04/2021 14:33

Hi all,

I'm having some issues with boundaries with my MIL. These issues are now affecting my relationship but I have no idea how to tackle them in a kind way.

My MIL is a lovely woman, but extremely overpowering (she has used these words to describe herself, so she knows she can be a bit much).

Since our baby was born 5 months ago she has gone into overdrive. In the last week alone she has:

Snatched my son from my arms while I was talking to him
Taken a piece of wrapper, wiped it on the ice cream she had been licking and put in my son's mouth before I could stop her (we have only just started weaning, she didn't ask and, well, covid!? )
I bought some mini trees for my own garden and she had a 'quiet word' with my husband to say that I didn't buy 'right trees' (no idea what the right trees are, I had not even discussed buying them with her) and now they have both said I have to return them. I am not welcome to touch my own garden, as this is her domain it seems. She does not live with us.

I have shut off from my husband since he had a 'chat' with me about her request yesterday because I'm just a little baffled as to why his mother feels she can dictate what I can and cannot buy for myself and I feel like my husband okayed what she was doing. We have an amazing marriage otherwise, but he generally always follows his mothers advice and requests and it is now starting to be an issue for me.

Now, quite frankly, I'm terrible at being assertive and I am a pushover. I need to speak to my husband about the issue as it's causing me major anxiety. I dread her coming over and feel very imposed upon when she is here. I make every effort to be a loving and caring DIL, but she has made me feel like a bit of a mug recently.

I just don't know how to go about this without causing upset or family rifts? Any tips from anyone? Or am I just being overly sensitive?

OP posts:

harknesswitch · 01/04/2021 16:30

You can be firm and polite .

I like the trees, it's my garden so I'm keeping them

Do not snatch my baby away, please return her now

Do not give her ice cream

You can say all this with a smile on your face and still be firm.

I'd also be having strong words with your dh too.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/04/2021 16:52

I understand you dont like confrontation and that's fairly normal but are you saying that you don't feel like you can tell your husband how you feel and ask for his support in telling her to back off? As that's another thing altogether, you are married and you should be able to tell him you feel upset and hanged up on and undermined without him trying to dismiss or invalidate your feelings. If he does that you should be saying that your feelings matter and it's not for him to tell you that you are silly or blowing things out of proportion etc and how would he feel if your mum told him to reverse decisions that he made and you just went along with whatever she said (unless in the example of trees she has some knowledge or experience in this area and was genuinely trying to stop you from planting trees that will be difficult to control in a few years or will die because they like the shade and you have planted in the sun or something).

With his mum can you practice saying some phrases so that you dont feel as awkward saying it. With my mum, my sister in law would say 'would you mind not (eg feeding the baby yet) because (eg we were going to wait til 6 months or the HVs say to start with savoury foods first). This was enough for my mum to say yes that's fine but if your mother in law is more forceful you might have to be as well, and say 'please don't' or 'we'd rather you not' and if she says you're being silly or it doesnt matter etc think of a few phrases like 'well it's important to us, I know that you love the baby but we are the parents and make the decisions and its best for the baby that we are all on the same page' or something. You need your husbands back up though as it's his mum and you don't want him jumping in and agreeing with her.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/04/2021 16:54

Also if you hate confrontation you can always say it in a jokey way 'hey its rude to snatch, grandma!'

Shoxfordian · 01/04/2021 18:34

Your husband is a problem. He shouldn’t even think about telling you to change your garden because of his mother’s opinion. Learn to be more assertive otherwise they’ll both just keep walking all over you

Maray1967 · 01/04/2021 18:53

Yes, you need to politely but firmly shut this down. Practise your responses to things so you are ready with your replies. Do you have your own family to ask advice from about the trees? If so, it might be useful to say oh I asked my parents and they said they are great trees for a garden like ours etc. My DM had died years before we got our house and had DC but I did still do certain things the way my DM had shown me and on one occasion when MIL said what a strange way to fold a fitted sheet, I paused and then quietly said that it was the way my DM had shown me and it worked for me. MIL has not ever again said anything like that.
I wish you luck. You need to make it clear that you are in charge in your own home and with your baby - make your DH clear on that point. You should expect him to respect that.

Original poster

Beforeiforget333 · 01/04/2021 19:03

Thank you for all of the support, everyone. I am glad that it just isn't me being overly sensitive (but also not glad because I now have to deal with this )

I'm going to grow a pair and go in for a chat with my husband this evening. Everything you have all said makes sense and I am clearly making it worse for myself by allowing this to happen.

In response to the tree question, she isn't a fan of the type of tree I ordered and thinks they grow too quickly. This is exactly why I ordered them though, to quickly block out some windows as we are quite overlooked. I had advised her this already and that I planned to top the trees when they reached the height of the one next to them, so I'm not sure why this is an issue but hey, maybe I will be wrong! I think I may keep the trees though, after reading these responses...

Thank you all again,
Soon to be a tougher Mummy!

OP posts:

LunaLula83 · 01/04/2021 19:14

You've said you are a pushover so you know you're enabling both behaviours....so nothing is going to change is it and it's pointless asking us for advice really isnt it.

pog100 · 01/04/2021 19:30

@LunaLula83 just read the response above yours. If you can't be helpful why bother?
Well done OP, you need that assertiveness to stand up for your son now. Model what a good strong woman looks like.

AmandaHoldensLips · 01/04/2021 19:44

If the trees are leylandii then she probably has a point. Apart from that, it's a big fat NO to her behaviour and she needs telling so.

She's had her chance at being a mother. Now she can step aside because it's your turn.

EKGEMS · 02/04/2021 18:41

I once had my MIL say to my husband while I was standing in the room of OUR house "Your father and I discussed it and think your curtains (above kitchen sink) looked fine previously and you need to put them back up" She is a controlling, stubborn mule of a person and needless to say those curtains were never hung again and my husband got an earful from me over it when they left for being a wimp and not stopping the conversation right then and there. I've had people who know both of us comment on her over the top antics and all I can say is "Be glad it isn't you"

Cherrysoup · 02/04/2021 23:10

@Mawi is exactly right. You seriously need to get your DH on the same page and confront mil together. She can fuck right off with her opinions, she has NO right to tell you what to do in YOUR house. Woman up, OP, give her what for and remind your DH that he is married to you, not his bloody mother.

SionnachGlic · 02/04/2021 23:20

I'd be v upset if anyone snatched my baby out of my arms & say it there & then...how dare she. And the icecream wrapper...ugh, unhygenic for starters. You need to stand up for yourself...I hope it goes well. I'd rather a rift with ILs than seething with my DH all the time...mind you, of course I'd prefer everyone get along & be respectful. Keep your trees & if she ever tries to snatch baby again tell her there & then not to do that with your child.

LouiseTrees · 02/04/2021 23:24

Are the trees leylandii?

LouiseTrees · 02/04/2021 23:24

But I agreed you need to speak to your husband about her general overbearing behaviour and his need to support your stance

AnotherKrampus · 03/04/2021 00:30

Ask her to return your husband's balls. And you need to really start standing your ground.

WisnaeMe · 03/04/2021 00:36

@AnotherKrampus

Ask her to return your husband's balls. And you need to really start standing your ground.

this, your DH should not be 'having a word' with you his Wife, rather he should be directing his 'having a word' with his interfering bloody Mother 😳

Justilou1 · 03/04/2021 02:07

Stop discussing your decisions with her. The more you “justify” yourself with her, the more she feels you HAVE to. Just do what you want to. You are an adult. She can GTF.

MNWorldisCrazy · 03/04/2021 02:15

@Beforeiforget333

How did the chat go OP?

billy1966 · 03/04/2021 06:03

Well done OP for deciding to stand up to your MIL and your husband.

You don't have an amazing relationship though.
If you did your husband would have told his mother to back off.

As it is he has told you to return the trees.🙄
I hope the chat goes well.
If it doesn't and he decides his mother is more important than his marriage, at least you know.

Think long and hard about staying in a marriage who cares more for his mother than his wife.

You may need to drive this home forcibly.

The only marriages I know that have survived and thrived have been the ones where the men were left in no doubt that their wives were prepared to walk.
That knowledge gave them clarity.

joystir59 · 03/04/2021 06:12

Are the trees likely to cause problems like subsidence? Planting the wrong trees too near a house can be incredibly destructive.

pog100 · 04/04/2021 14:01

@joystir59

Are the trees likely to cause problems like subsidence? Planting the wrong trees too near a house can be incredibly destructive.

I hardly think the point is this thread is the OPs gardening choices.

mrssunshinexxx · 04/04/2021 19:07

How did it go op?

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