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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would this worry you? Hiding text.

38 replies

Rainbowchoc · 01/04/2021 12:58

I've been with my boyfriend for about 9 months. We are both mid 30s. I have 2 DC from a previous relationship, boyfriend has 1 DS from a previous relationship.

I thought things were going really well. He is the kindest, loveliest, loving, affectionate, fun man I've ever known. About 2 months ago at his suggestion we met each other's kids. Every other weekend we have started to go for a walk with them and they all get on really well. A few days ago he suggested that this weekend him and his DS come round and spend some time in the garden with us. All great.

But, last night when he was here he got a text message from a woman's name I am not familiar with. Normally he gets the odd message from family or friends I know of and he happily reads and reply's in front of me. But not with this text. He must of read it and replied when he was having a shower as another text from her came a bit later while we were eating dinner. He didn't read it in front of me but must have read it a bit later in private again while he was getting ready for bed. I assume he must have text her back again as when he got to bed he put his phone on the floor instead of the bedside table... so vibrations from texts wouldn't be heard.

I am having massive worries about who this is and why he seemed to be so secretive about it. He acted his normal affectionate self with me that night and this morning but I am getting so anxious about it. Do you think I should be worried? I guess I should have asked him about it when it happened but I do trust him, at least I thought I did, but my mind is going into overdrive. I am not going to see him till Saturday now so I'm going to be stressing about this for the next couple of days and now I'm convinced he is going to cancel our plans and dump me.

OP posts:
RizzleRazzle · 01/04/2021 13:27

7 months in is very early to be meeting each others children, especially if you don't seem to trust him.

Surely it could be just a friend?

You won't find out unless you ask him

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 01/04/2021 13:36

I would be concerned that mostly texts are responded to openly, and for this woman they aren't.

Swordfish1 · 01/04/2021 13:36

I'd be worried too. Especially considering he has no issues previously reading and replying to texts with you there.
He is obliviously keeping this secret for some reason.
It could be totally innocent, like he is arranging a surprise for you.
Trust your gut.

beginningoftheend · 01/04/2021 13:36

If you don't trust him, you should slow down with the children and wait until you are certain.

It could be anything, you have very little information - have you asked him who it was?

booboo24 · 01/04/2021 13:51

Does he really read every message out to you? He may be being secretive, or it may be innocent and there was nothing in the message worth mentioning to you. I read some of mine out and others not, it depends on the content for me not the person sending.

Original poster
Rainbowchoc · 01/04/2021 14:05

No sorry, he doesn't read them out to me. He will read them in his head but be sitting next to me so I would be able to read them if I wanted to.

OP posts:
booboo24 · 01/04/2021 14:19

oh ok, I still think it could go either way, I think all you can do is keep an eye out for now, if you mention anything just yet it will make him be more careful if something is amiss, and if it's nothing he will feel untrusted and the relationship damaged. I'd watch and see, there'll be more if it's something dodgy

catmumandhumanmum · 01/04/2021 14:46

I would say oh who's that? But just because I'm nosy and wanting to know about friends.
She might not even be a friend, it might be a family member, work? don't jump to conclusions until you've found out who it is then trust your gut.

Timeflyin · 01/04/2021 15:14

I'd be worried about any kind of secrecy where he's usually open. I have just been cheated on after 2 years being with a "lovely , loyal, affectionate loving man" or so I thought :( . Not to say that's what is happening here, but have learnt no one can be trusted 100% and i was one of the my man wouldn't do that brigade. :/

HeadFuzzy · 01/04/2021 15:28

Trust your gut always. Can you simply ask who he’s texting? If he replies with any other name then you know.

ZombeaArthur · 01/04/2021 15:36

Keeping messages private or only answering when alone isn’t necessarily concerning. Changing behaviour with the phone is concerning. My ex went from leaving his phone around unlocked to having it glued to his hand with a passcode I didn’t know. Turned out he wasn’t being faithful.

Given my history, this change would raise a flag for me and I’d keep an eye on it.

PollyPocket245 · 01/04/2021 16:02

I hate to say it but if it seems off it probably isFlowers. Honestly just bring it up... or you’ll just sit worrying on it for days/weeks

Clutterbug13 · 01/04/2021 22:01

I’ve recently been in a very similar situation with someone I was in a casual but exclusive relationship with. Started keeping his phone face down, moving it away from my vicinity, looking uncomfortable when texts were coming through after midnight, taking it to the bathroom...
I asked him if he was seeing anyone else as the sudden change in behaviour bothered me and I felt I had to ask. Now, on his suggestion we’re ‘having a break’. I don’t expect to see or hear from him again..
Trust your gut x

AIMD · 01/04/2021 22:16

I think being straight and honest is best here.

“I noticed you got a few texts from x and I’ve been feeling a little funny about it because I haven’t heard you mention her before”.

Then you’ve been open and honest about how you feel. You can also judge if you think his reaction is reassuring or worrying.

Geppili · 02/04/2021 00:53

Putting the phone on the carpet to avoid vibration alerts sounding on the bedside table strikes me as suspicious.

anyoldtime · 02/04/2021 00:58

^when he got to bed he put his phone on the floor instead of the bedside table... so vibrations from texts wouldn't be heard*

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck........

Of course he is texting someone he knows he shouldn't be texting. Given he receives texts after midnight, its someone he is interested in/has a past with and is still interested in.

You need to trust your gut instinct.

Without making a big fuss, tell him how worried you are. Then ask to see his phone there and then before he can delete anything from it. If he refuses then your suspicions/gut instinct is confirmed.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP.

WisnaeMe · 02/04/2021 03:42

Shady as ....

always trust your instincts OP, if it stinks it stinks 🌸

moanieleminx · 02/04/2021 06:35

Why doesn't he just turn the vibrations off? That's what I do (as notifications drive me insane...)

moanieleminx · 02/04/2021 06:36

But change in behaviour would have my spider senses tingling...

I would ask him

booboo24 · 02/04/2021 09:20

I'd see if the bedside table change is a constant one before saying anything

Sarahlou63 · 02/04/2021 09:26

Lots of "must have's" and assumptions in your post - none of which you know to be facts, just catastrophic thoughts. It might be worth working on your anxiety rather than your relationship.

booboo24 · 02/04/2021 09:44

I agree @Sarahlou63

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/04/2021 09:48

Bullshit re anxiety. You’re picking up on a change in behaviour and it may well be completely innocent but it would not be intelligent to ignore it (and criticise yourself for ‘anxiety’ Hmm ).

You are getting to know someone, mixing them into your kids lives already. You have to make sure he is what he seems to be. He might not be.

Ask him, see what he says. How transparent and reassuring he is or isn’t will tell you a lot.

PollyPocket245 · 02/04/2021 09:54

@AtrociousCircumstance agree agree agree.

How Dickensian to pin ill mental health on a woman when she questions a mans behaviour

Ladylimpet · 02/04/2021 10:00

I am very much of the opinion (sadly, because of experience), that you should follow your gut. You are feeling like this for a reason. And the nice guys just don't make you feel like this. For instance, before I met my now boyfriend, I'd be in the flourishes of a new relationship, thought it was going well, and sure enough, before too long, the Spidey senses would be tingling.
I would be constantly questioning myself and thinking I was overthinking. But every single time, it turned out that the guy wasn't in to me... they were meeting up with other people, messaging or whatever.
I remember someone saying to me, that a new relationship shouldn't be that hard.
And as soon as I met my now boyfriend, that became so clear to me.
He never gave me one minute of doubt. He liked me, he wanted to be with me, and it was easy...

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