Partners mum

[lujuria1]

Me (25) and partner (28) have been together 6 years. Both have been in different parts of our lives financially/ career wise so we do not live together. We both have decent jobs now and are looking to move in together this year.

Partner lives at home with his mum, his mum and dad split 5 years ago and his sister moved out 3 years ago. Since his dad moved out, she is completely dependant on my partner in all aspects, financially, emotionally, literally everything.

When I first started to notice it i tried to turn a blind eye and just let them get on with it but now it’s got to the point it’s affecting our relationship and making me question everything. I do think it’s since we started seriously looking for places to live she’s got a lot worse.

So financially - she works a few hours a week, owns a home she refuses to sell and expects her ex husband to pay half the mortgage. She has a brand new car outside on her drive she continues to pay for but refuses to drive because she doesn’t want it to get damaged, but will drive my partners car without asking and will never fill up with petrol. My partner gives her rent each month as well as buying the food shop/ paying any bills that needs paying. ANYTHING she wants she will ask Him to buy and will say she’ll pay him back but never does, it’s not little things either, it’s £150 trainers, £100 jacket, £50 tree for her desk, even vitamins she has she has to have the best and they’ll be about £20 etc etc and he feels bad asking for the money because he knows she doesn’t have it - my answer if you can’t afford it you go without. Any time I’m there all she’ll do is talk about herself, everything she’s got/ wants to get.

Emotionally - she will play the “lonely” card to get him to stay at home with her, she has no friends but when anyone offers to do anything with her she’ll say she’ll let them know but she never contacts them. When she asks if he can stay home with her because she feels lonely, she emphasises on the fact she just wants him there with her, not me. Comments have been made in the past towards me like “I didn’t expect you to be here, I thought it was just going to be me and (my partner)”, when her brother was speaking to her about us moving in together, she didn’t know I was there and she laughed and said “ yeah we’ll see”. She has expressed she doesn’t want him to move out so it’s not as if it’s a secret but I just feel now she’s doing it all intentionally to cause issues between us.

I have mentioned bits and pieces to my partner in the past but I feel completely pushed out by both of them and something needs to be said. I know its his mum and I wouldn’t ever be rude about her but I am unsure how to approach this. Any help would be greatly appreciated!

There has been a lot more that’s been said/ gone on but this is a basic outline of what’s going on :)

He needs to decide who the number one woman in his life is; doesn’t sound like it’s you at the moment

@Shoxfordian

He needs to decide who the number one woman in his life is; doesn’t sound like it’s you at the moment

This.

You’re just beginning your life together. Sort this now or it will only get worse.

Either rip the plaster off and ditch him or give him an ultimatum and stick to it. Do you want this man to be your husband and father if your children or his mums stand in hubby?

I’m all for sons supporting parents as much as daughters do but this just takes it far too far.

This puts your partner in a very difficult position where his loyalties are being deliberately tested. Child/parent relationships can be very complicated and are cemented very early on. There is nothing you can do to change or influence her behaviour, and he is probably thinking along the lines of "anything to keep the peace".

She doesn't want him to have an independent life outside of meeting her needs and demands. This is something that he really needs to tackle on his own, so that he learns about boundaries and managing her expectations in an adult way. I would definitely recommend that he thinks about getting some therapy to help him cut the apron strings and deal with her behaviour.

This is, of course, assuming he realises that there is a problem in the first place.

@Sicario I honestly don’t think he notices it, in his eyes he’s doing what he can as a son to help her because she is on her own.
I’m hoping if I speak to him about it he will begin to notice it a bit more but i don’t think he will to be honest.

She sounds toxic and he sounds like he'll be at her back and call forever. You need to see if he can start saying no before moving in together.

@Orchidflower1
I really didn’t want it to be an ultimatum situation but you are right. Like you say, I’m all for him being there for her and supporting her but there is a line and it’s constantly being crossed

If you think he won’t notice @lujuria1 you you have two options

1. Accept that this is what the next 30 to 40years of your life will be like.
2. move on.

That all sounds toxic. I agree with PP, don't move in together until he has proven he can stand up to his mum.

@Orchidflower1

Oh yes, if he doesn’t realise a after speaking to him there’s no way I will be able to stay

I'm in the same boat as you in terms of length of relationship and ages so I feel I can relate.

I can imagine how frustrating it is, especially financially when you're trying to save to move in together.

She sounds like a nightmare, but to be honest so does he! What kind of person wouldn't notice this behaviour and her rudeness towards you? He's either very odd for not noticing or he has noticed and is ignoring it.

You deserve better. Know your worth.

Discuss it with him, say what you've said in this post. Write yourself a list of key things you want to cover. Then give him the ultimatum. You're adults now, he's nearly 30! Time to prioritise you and your life together. If he takes issue with that then you have your answer. You need to then decide whether you're willing to live like this forever or move on.

I know all that is easier said than done when you've been with them since you were 18 because you totally grow together and the thought of leaving is scary and overwhelming. But you only have one life, these are your best years and you don't want to waste them.

You could try looking at it a different way.

Before you move in together, have lots of discussions about what living together with look like and how it will work in practice. This includes finances, housework/domestic chores, sharing responsibility (and especially the "mental load" which a lot of women get saddled with as "wife work").

It is absolutely essential that this is all agreed before you move in together, and that you have a sort of "contract" which spells it out. And whatever you do, try not to live too close to his mother.

It's possible that he has absolutely no idea about what's required to run a household, and the last thing you need is to end up living with a mummy's boy.

We all know that men take a hell of a lot longer than women to mature, and that given the choice they would rather not have to take responsibility for, er, anything at all really.

Run.

@badatcrochet1996

It’s so so difficult; half of me feels bad for saying it, I know he’s doing what he thinks is best but other part of me knows I deserve better and this is not the life I want.

I will definitely write my points down so I know what I need to say and like you say, I will then have my answer. Thank you!

I would seriously consider ending the relationship now albeit painful as this would be to you. His mother and he are in a dysfunctional enmeshed relationship and in that family you will always be an outsider. His own inertia when it comes to his mother simply hurts him as well as you here. He cannot see nor will likely ever want to see how enmeshed he actually is.

I would walk away too. Maybe some day he will realise his mother is a narcissist and signigicantly cut contact but it does not look like he us anywhere near that stage yet and you do not want to end up with her for a mother in law.

Certainly don't move in with him that's for sure.

So where are you living now? He's living with his mum, but are you living independently already?

Honestly at 25, and after 6 years of 'sucking it' and seeing that yes it is this bad, I would walk away.

This is one of the most difficult to change and most corrosive dynamics there is. It will affect absolutely everything for you.

After all this time, you surely have little to lose by laying it right on the line. And to be honest if you get any fudging - just leave. It's the strongest indicator there is that this isn't going to improve. Because for things to change he's not just going to need to be ok with them changing: he's going to have to be desperate for things to change as what he will have to do is fight, essentially - fight to draw his own boundaries, push back against his mum, disagree with her, ignore tears.

And when all that is over you'll be left with a 'her and us' 'poor mum' narrative and you as the bad guy which will be hard to withstand.

If you were to leave he might do and about-turn... but it's hard to maintain. Honestly, one thing you'd absolutely have to do is move a long way away for a start!

At 25, you've plenty of time to move on (and perhaps you should: it's rare that the person we meet at 16-17 is the right one to stick with). At 30 - not so much. Don't stay on a vague promise.

End it now, op, because this isn't getting any better. The problem is 100% your boyfriend, not his mother. He is trapped in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt), and that is where he will stay. Run for your life.

Make a budget for what you can afford. Keep finances separate and make it clear you will be moving in unless paying bills is his first priority (financially) that is you won't be paying his half of anything because he has bought his mum a jacket and she hasn't paid him back.

After that I suppose it is his decision. Hopefully once he isn't living with his mum he isn't as easily guilt tripped. But it may not work out so when buying I would perhaps consider sticking to properties you could afford on your own if it came to it.

*will not rather than will be moving in

@Sicario I am currently living at home with my mum and sister

I am preparing to be the bad guy regardless. It’s strange because he has expressed in the past he can’t wait to move out so we can have our own space, and they have argued once or twice in the past about money but he ends up leaving it and she still doesn’t pay him back. But as I say since we’ve been making solid plans of buying a house her whole attitude has changed and it’s like he’s a 5 year old who she doesn’t want to let out of her sight

You're on a hiding to nothing.
Even if he says all the right things I think you would be foolish to believe he will not still give her money and dash round to hers every time she says so.

Only then it would be affecting you in far more ways.

You only need to read the many many threads on here where women are at the end of their tethers with men who can't cut the apron strings.

If I could give you a piece of uninvited advice, I would say work towards buying a place of your own. Regardless of what happens in your life, for a woman to have her own home, secure in the knowledge that it is hers, and hers only, is a wonderful thing. It then gives you a world of choices.

As women, we are generally conditioned to believe that we cannot survive on our own. That we need a man to provide for us. This is part of the patriarchal system - that women are less capable than men.

It's a lie.

You are capable of buying your own home and controlling your own destiny, which includes not having to put up with any shit from any man (or his mother).

So many young women get trapped into living with a bloke who then lets them down and they feel totally stuck.

You are at a very exciting time of your life and you can make it anything you want it to be.

You are right to say something and to plan ot so you don't become mean. You can't start a life though with him unless he solves it as the problem will only become bigger. She sounds incredibly selfish and a real user to me. Why wouldn't you be supporting your son to start their new life? You sound lovely and not like you'd be a barrier in their relationship (if it was healthy). Honestly walk away if it can't be fixed or he isn't 100% supportive of you (you will get abuse from her if things change and he needs to have your back).