Partners mum

[lujuria1]

Me (25) and partner (28) have been together 6 years. Both have been in different parts of our lives financially/ career wise so we do not live together. We both have decent jobs now and are looking to move in together this year.

Partner lives at home with his mum, his mum and dad split 5 years ago and his sister moved out 3 years ago. Since his dad moved out, she is completely dependant on my partner in all aspects, financially, emotionally, literally everything.

When I first started to notice it i tried to turn a blind eye and just let them get on with it but now it’s got to the point it’s affecting our relationship and making me question everything. I do think it’s since we started seriously looking for places to live she’s got a lot worse.

So financially - she works a few hours a week, owns a home she refuses to sell and expects her ex husband to pay half the mortgage. She has a brand new car outside on her drive she continues to pay for but refuses to drive because she doesn’t want it to get damaged, but will drive my partners car without asking and will never fill up with petrol. My partner gives her rent each month as well as buying the food shop/ paying any bills that needs paying. ANYTHING she wants she will ask Him to buy and will say she’ll pay him back but never does, it’s not little things either, it’s £150 trainers, £100 jacket, £50 tree for her desk, even vitamins she has she has to have the best and they’ll be about £20 etc etc and he feels bad asking for the money because he knows she doesn’t have it - my answer if you can’t afford it you go without. Any time I’m there all she’ll do is talk about herself, everything she’s got/ wants to get.

Emotionally - she will play the “lonely” card to get him to stay at home with her, she has no friends but when anyone offers to do anything with her she’ll say she’ll let them know but she never contacts them. When she asks if he can stay home with her because she feels lonely, she emphasises on the fact she just wants him there with her, not me. Comments have been made in the past towards me like “I didn’t expect you to be here, I thought it was just going to be me and (my partner)”, when her brother was speaking to her about us moving in together, she didn’t know I was there and she laughed and said “ yeah we’ll see”. She has expressed she doesn’t want him to move out so it’s not as if it’s a secret but I just feel now she’s doing it all intentionally to cause issues between us.

I have mentioned bits and pieces to my partner in the past but I feel completely pushed out by both of them and something needs to be said. I know its his mum and I wouldn’t ever be rude about her but I am unsure how to approach this. Any help would be greatly appreciated!

There has been a lot more that’s been said/ gone on but this is a basic outline of what’s going on :)

You don't have to be the bad guy in this!

Sit him down and ask him if he wants to move into a house with you then ask him how he is going to achieve this!
Stick to facts ask him what his mum will do when he stops paying her rent see what he says.
Ask him about everything she relies on and what she/he will do if he doesn't live there anymore!
Tell him you want to live with him but you feel like he will still be around at his mums every night to keep her company and you won't be invited!
Remember this is your future and not just his you need to be happy with his answers

Single Mothers can focus alot on their children and it does make it difficult for them to cut the strings but she won't change so you either open his eyes or leave him staying with his mum for the next 40 years (not all mothers just the narcissistic ones)

I would honestly consider whether an ultimatum is even necessary before letting go of this one. You sound sensible, thoughtful and aware and understanding of his needs. I realise your description is brief, but it sounds as if he's not thinking about this situation at all, or considering your needs. His mum is treating him like a child and he's acting like one. Perhaps you've outgrown him?

@ravenmum @Greenrubber
The issue right now is I’m ready to start my life, I finished univeristy last year, finally landed my dream job, and I can’t wait to get going and I thought he did too but I don’t think it will work with how much his mum relies on him.
My mum is a single mum and admittedly my sister is at home with us but she still wants us to get out there and start our lives, but his mum doesn’t want it for him. I don’t know if it’s his mum is starting to dislike me for whatever reason or whether it just comes down to her not wanting him to leave her.
I understand it’ll be hard when you’re on your own but I would of thought with both your children left home you’d want to get your life back but clearly not.

@cameocat
I’m incredibly close to my mum and so I’ve always understood them spending time together and of course I’d never get in the way of two of them. I’ve always got on with his family and her but yes, she has not been supportive at all of us starting our lives together. It is very difficult but I will plan what to say and just hope for the best!

@Sicario

If I could give you a piece of uninvited advice, I would say work towards buying a place of your own. Regardless of what happens in your life, for a woman to have her own home, secure in the knowledge that it is hers, and hers only, is a wonderful thing. It then gives you a world of choices.

As women, we are generally conditioned to believe that we cannot survive on our own. That we need a man to provide for us. This is part of the patriarchal system - that women are less capable than men.

It's a lie.

You are capable of buying your own home and controlling your own destiny, which includes not having to put up with any shit from any man (or his mother).

So many young women get trapped into living with a bloke who then lets them down and they feel totally stuck.

You are at a very exciting time of your life and you can make it anything you want it to be.

What a fantastic post - she's absolutely right.

I'd be so wary of moving in with this guy. His mother will always be there, affecting his behaviour, his finances and his time.

It's a very difficult situation but you need to be happy with it! I would agree his mum needs to step back and let him get on with his life but she probably thinks your trying to steal him away and she has no one else (because she doesn't want to make friends) !
Please before you move in with him make sure your happy

No. Just NO! First of all, never buy a house with someone when you've never lived with them first. Secondly, you're twenty five and this will be the rest of your life. As pointed out, do you want to deal with this for the next 40 years+?

He's too immature to be in a serious relationship.

This relationship has run its course and you deserve so much better than a Mama's boy.

I'm twice your age and if there's one thing I've learned is that the world is full of men and to ditch unsuitable ones early - Mama's boys are a NO.

You deserve an adult. He's not it.

If she's narcissistic then it is much much more than just her feeling a hit lonely and it sounds like it is. She wants his attention constantly and places demands on him constantly. She keeps buying expensive things that she can't afford and so on.

As a parent I can tell you that this is as very far from what a loving parent behaves. As a parent you want your child happy and independent. You would never take advantage of them financially.

And the fact that he can't see it is even worse.

My ex's mum is a narcissist and she affected so much of our lives.

@HollowTalk @Sicario

I completely agree! If things do Not work I will continuously save until I can buy a home for me and me only

It's a well-worn phrase on MN that "you don't have a MIL problem, you have a dh problem". You're not married (yet), but do have a good think before focusing too much on what his mum is doing wrong. Your mum isn't like that - but if she was, would you put her needs before your bf's? Would you buy her expensive things when you were saving for a home?

You can't change his mum. That's how it is, right or wrong. The only thing that could change here is your bf's behaviour. But you can't make him change; the change has to come from him. You can point out your situation and express your feelings, but as soon as you have to start asking, that means that a) you've got someone who will always need asking, b) relationship work will always be up to you and c) they can blame any issues on your interference.

There are many men out there who don't need asking before they treat their partner considerately. Some just work it out from an early age, some learn it from the consequences they face when they don't do it.

@Aquamarine1029

End it now, op, because this isn't getting any better. The problem is 100% your boyfriend, not his mother. He is trapped in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt), and that is where he will stay. Run for your life.

I agree 🌸

Seems like she is expecting your partner to fill the gap that her husband left in terms of finances, practical tasks and being her social support. It’s very enmeshed and i doubt she has any plans for it to change soon.

He may know it’s an issue deep down and be unwilling to confront it or he may really be so enmeshed he doesn’t see the problem. I’d run a mile tbh, never really seen these sorts of situations go well, just ends up with endless power struggles between the MIL and DIL. If he does not see or want to admit to a problem with the relationship with his mother you really are on a hiding to nothing.

Whatever you do don’t tie yourself to him unless this situation significantly changes between them. Or you’ll be back here when she’s interfering in your house, your children and so on of half the posts in here about these types of parents are anything to go by.

@QBjournal

Run.

This ^^

You're a similar age to my daughter and I was imagining her in your position whilst reading your OP.

This will only get worse, once you buy a house, talk of marriage, have a child (and by then your lives are linked forever).

Please run

Yep, my daughter is also in this position; been with her bf since she was 18, now thinking about moving in together (only a rented flat though). I wish she'd had more experience with bfs for comparison, but at least he does seem OK! If he was doing this kind of thing I'd be really concerned for her.

I hope the conversation goes well and you are happy whatever the outcome. 💐

OP you sound so smart ..please don;t settle for any of this toxic emmeshed crap.Go live! If he can;t or wont see it now he never will.His mother is using him as a financial cash cow which is awful in its self but you don;t need any of the issues,stress or madness of this situation.Sit him down spell it out let him know your feelings in entirety about this situation,then let him answer there and then,If yuo get any inkling of an unsatisfactory response then apologise and leave the lot behind with your head held high.You just will never be happy with this lingering in the backgroud of your life.You deserve so much more,,go get it!!

The issue right now is I’m ready to start my life

And so you should be at your age

You sound lovely, OP, and I hope you have a truly happy life - but it won't be with him, as you seem to be realising. This level of control isn't something you should need to point out; any normal man would see it for himself, and since he doesn't all you'd have is years of problems ahead

I guess you could hang about for a bit to see the drama of her "sudden grave illnesses" unfold if he insists he'll move out, but do you really think it's worth wasting more time on this?

You got together at 19, 6 years ago. You've grown up. You need to get some perspective on this man and who he is. I think when you do you still see that the advice here is correct. This will not work out in the long term. You need to split and you need to start living your own life unencumbered by him and his mother.

Until you live together or have a family, I’m of the opinion that your finances are still considered separate. Although he should be working as hard towards the same goal, it appears he is in a situation where he can’t. As you said in a previous post, continue saving until you can buy ur own place.

I’d consider pulling back a little from the relationship. I don’t know how often you go to his house, and how much of your time together includes his mum, but maybe stop going to the house, and don’t be involved in anything that she’s involved in. He will then start to miss spending time with you and visit you at yours and spend time as a couple only. You need to manipulate this situation as at the moment, his mum is pissing all over you. Once you’ve controlled that element, and your getting to spend time with him on your terms, then maybe consider renting a place. Once you both have a home together, he is going to need his money to contribute. Keep your free money separate at this point. Then as he has hardly any money, and you’re still doing fun things or buying nice things, he will feel that he has to stop giving her money so that he can have some things in his life.
If you do decide to take this route, you need to stand firm. Don’t give into him. Don’t allow guilt to sway you. If he starts a discussion then minimise. Don’t let it turn into an argument or rise to any arguments he maybe trying to start. I don’t think you should do the big chat or the ultimatum. Both a waste of time and you’ll probably lose or relent. You just need to wrap him around your little finger. Become a Master Manipulator. And enjoy the wins.
Him not being able to see you unless he comes to you will lead to him missing you. Stand firm and you’ll have this sussed in know time.

Hmm, sunk cost fallacy here.
His mum must be around my age if he's 28 - she's not going to change.
You really don't want her as the grandmother of your children!
Look, he may have many great qualities, but there are literally BILLIONS of men in the world and quite a few have positive attributes - you don't have to stay long-term with him just because he's not a wicked guy!
This has been going on for five years, not five months. If change was going to happen it would have, by now.

As PPs have said, this is the time of life when you audition men for the role of grandad to your grandchildren. It's completely OK to say, we've had these years together and you're dear to me but this? Long-term? Not.going.to.work.

Set yourselves free to (both) find someone better suited (and say a little prayer for his new GF!!).

How about an open discussion framed around conflicting needs. You could say something like:

I am ready to, and going to, move on with my life whereby I have my own place and live independently from my family. I really want to do this with you. This will mean we both have to put each other first....we need to make sure that the plans / decisions we make start with each other (e.g not lending money/spending money on others if household commitments aren't made, and not regularly dropping pre agreed plans, such as cooking dinner, in order to meet someone else's needs.

I know that your mum is currently dependent on you financially, socially and emotionally. I am concerned about how moving in together, and the commitments that that brings, will impact on her and therefore you and ultimately us.

If us moving in together is going to work, something in your relationship with her will need to change. You need to find a way of ensuring she feels loved and supported by you without you having to pay for stuff, and spending as much time alone with you as you currently wants and expects.

You can then ask what thoughts he has for transitioning away from the status quo to a maintains a positive and loving relationship with his mother that allows him to move on.

The relationship between them is unhealthy and he is so immersed in it that he won't even realise it.

What sort of mother does this to her child ? Not a loving one.

This sounds harsh but I think you have had all the warning signs for a future blessed with unhappiness, and would end things, but explain why and say it kindly.

I don't think I would buy a house with this man.

At best I think you need to rent together for a while to trial living together and see how the relationship with his DM develops. Assuming you're both already paying rent to your respective parents look for somewhere within that budget even if it's just a flat to begin with?

At worst I think I'd cut my losses and run. Far and fast.

I would continue to save and buy my own house OP, this guy is a non starter. He may be a perfectly nice man but he doesn't put you first, he is happy to disappoint you to please his mum.

Whatever you do do not rent or buy a house and have him camp out in it, eating your food, using your utilities and then going back home to mum at night without financially contributing to bills he runs up at your home. I would also stop going to his home, he wants to see you, he takes you out on a date. You will very quickly see if he is serious about getting his arse into gear. You sound so level headed and lovely OP, you deserve better than this.