How to leave...

[arinah]

Those of you that had experienced/know anyone that have left an abusive relationship, how did you go about actually leaving? I'm non confrontational by nature, coupled with the fear of being convinced to stay (again), I'm scared I won't be able to do it. DH wakes up late (think 1pm) so was thinking of slowly packing some essentials and leaving quietly early in the day while he's asleep. Would this be an awful idea? I have to factor in a 14 month old as well.

That's so difficult for you. Do you have somewhere safe to go to? I think I'd plan ahead and get things out of the house over a period of time if I could. I'd take a photo of important documents, or take them with you if you can. Do you have someone you can absolutely trust?

If he wakes late does that mean he's lazy or that he works shifts?

Sounds like an excellent plan.

Be very careful about what you pack and giving the game away. If necessary be prepared to just go with very little.

Do you have somewhere you will go?

It's much safer to leave if he's actually out of the house, obviously. Do you have neighbours who might contact him if they saw you with a suitcase?

Do you have a good friend or family who will look after your stuff. Take small bits out under your pram, or changing bag etc

We moved up North after DD was born, so everyone that I know and trust is in London. I have somewhere to go once I'm there, it's just the trip I have to sort out. I don't have a lot of belongings anyway, so just prioritising DDs things - bought and stashed away a pack of nappies, making sure her clothes are sorted etc. We have multiples of our certificates so I've taken one copy of each, and packed away mine and DDs passports.
I'd rather do it while he's out of the house, but he's been out of work and not even actively looking since restaurants closed in December, so he stays up all night doing f all and goes to sleep around 7am. I'm the one that works and covers all the costs, and I'm really fed up with it because it's been pretty much the same for the past 6 years and I've had enough. Fortunately for me my job is remote and so moving wouldn't cost me my job.
@HollowTalk he does know a couple of people on our street who would contact not only him, but also his two uncles that also live in the area.
I've messaged Women's Aid to see what support would be available but just waiting to hear back from them, I can't risk calling them since DH is pretty much always home and would hear.

@bullyingadvice2017 I don't know anyone here other than his family unfortunately, so it'll have to be a case of taking it all in one go. I was thinking just mine and DDs documents, nappies and clothing and just a couple of bits for me, I have friends in London who have already said they'll help me get on my feet and to bring the bare essentials.

Might a taxi at 7.30 am be the best bet, then? He'd be in a deep sleep and the other fuckers are less likely to be at their windows.

Yeah that's what I was thinking too. He's popped out to the shops so I'm just packing a few things and I feel sick to my stomach in all honesty.

I bet you do. Is there somewhere you can hide things where he won't notice? Under the bed? In bin bags that you can say are for the charity shop? Actually in the wheelie bin?

Will you get a train?

Please chat to the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, scroll down the page and you will see a button to chat to them.
www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
They'll find you a refuge and you'll have your own place and all the support you can get including counselling.

Our wardrobes are separate so I'm just hiding them in mine for now - bin bags is actually an excellent idea, thank you! Yes most likely the train, I have a bit of money in my paypal that he doesn't have access to so I can use that for any emergency costs.
@SoloJazz that's really helpful, I'm going to check that out as soon as I can.
Just want to say thank you guys for just discussing this with me, I feel like a squirrel in a cage just talking about this in my head. 💕

Heart goes out to you OP, wishing you a swift journey back to London

Perhaps just say something idly like, "I wish the charity shops are open, I want to get rid of some old clothes" and if he sees a bin bag full of clothes he won't suspect.

If he's in your bedroom then you can't take them out of the wardrobe without him finding them, can you?

When are you thinking of going? Remember train times aren't the same as they were but you are allowed to travel in your circumstances.

Hand hold op. Hoping you manage to get back to London safely with you dd xx

Op if your getting a train please remember a face mask as it would be awful to make it to the station and then being stopped getting onto that train!!! Pack one on your coat pocket maybe? And yeah don't keep the clothes in the wardrobe as you'll risk waking him when you need them c

Thank you @thelightishere ❤️
@HollowTalk there's an unused luggage case in the cupboard under the stairs, if I hide the bags in there then he won't notice - the wheels are broken so can't use the case itself!
Ideally would like to leave before Ramadan begins mid April - I don't want to do anything during a holy month, but his behaviour just gets worse when he's on an empty stomach. I have 6 days of paid holiday left from work so if I can get some paid time off last minute, I'm going to do it then.

OP, you've made the right decision and I bet you're excited about getting away from your current situation.

Believe me, your life is going to get so much better. We'll all be rooting for you.

Good luck, OP.

Don't know where you are in the north.... lancs here and happy to help you escape to a train station if you only know his family.

Thank you all, feeling a bit more confident in my decision now, and will definitely remember my mask, don't worry :) I always have a clean one in my coat pocket.
@bullyingadvice2017 Merseyside here but thank you for the offer :)

Just wanted to update that I'm saved on the train journey - my friends have offered to drive all the way up! I feel bad but factoring in having a baby and having epilepsy, I think this would be safest for me.
Is it normal to feel sick to the stomach? I hate that I feel guilty for wanting to get myself out of this situation.

That’s great news! Of course you feel nervous and anxious. It’s ok to feel guilty even if it’s misplaced guilt. It hard to make a big move like this and even if someone is abusive, normal caring people like you will feel bad about leaving - i did too years ago when i packed all my stuff and left someone abusive.

Just don’t let that guilt away you - i promise the guilt goes quick once you realise how amazing it is to be out!

Good luck with your move, you’re doing the right thing for yourself and your baby.

Fantastic news! Your plan's coming together - wonderful

Please notify your local police domestic violence team (it may have a different name) of your situation and that you are planning to leaving. It means that your name, house and phone numbers will be flagged. If he tries to prevent you from leaving call 999.

I should imagine he will be better behaved in front of them if he wakes up anyway?

Can you easily access your DC car seat?

I hope it does go quickly, I'm glad to hear you're doing better after leaving @PriestessofPing :) it's shocking how many women really do go through this, I really wasn't aware of just how common it is until joining mumsnet.
@RandomMess I didn't think of doing that - is there another way to contact them other than calling? He might be a tiny bit better if he does wake, but won't bother being respectful, let's put it that way! They're going to park around the corner so just a case of slipping out hopefully. DD's car seat is always in the living room so easily accessible :)