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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to leave...

59 replies

arinah · 31/03/2021 18:13

Those of you that had experienced/know anyone that have left an abusive relationship, how did you go about actually leaving? I'm non confrontational by nature, coupled with the fear of being convinced to stay (again), I'm scared I won't be able to do it. DH wakes up late (think 1pm) so was thinking of slowly packing some essentials and leaving quietly early in the day while he's asleep. Would this be an awful idea? I have to factor in a 14 month old as well.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/04/2021 10:14

I would check their website for a live chat/email address/form to fill in.

You can contact WA on line rather than calling too.

Original poster
arinah · 03/04/2021 10:36

Thank you Flowers ill check that out now!

OP posts:
sarahc336 · 03/04/2021 14:01

This is great news!!!

Tomyoneandonly · 03/04/2021 14:27

Yes it's normal to feel sick. I am still waiting for the right time to leave. I did leave a abusive partner 20years ago and got into a different relationship with a different abuser and the energy it takes to leave is strong. Good luck op.

Original poster
arinah · 03/04/2021 15:06

I hope the time comes for you soon @tomyoneandonly, although the right time doesn't really exist - it feels so much easier to rationalise and justify the abuse than it is to actually leave. This is the best scenario I will get since I work from home so at least I'll still have income coming in, and I've used the last of my accrued holidays to take a few days off to leave and get myself sorted.
Good luck to you too ❤️

OP posts:
bullyingadvice2017 · 03/04/2021 16:23

Fantastic to hear your friends will come for you. Good for you!

Dery · 03/04/2021 16:39

Well done, OP. Sounds like you’re doing everything right. And yes, it’s natural to feel guilty and conflicted. Even abusers are nice some of the time and they also have a habit of making their partner responsible for their moods and wellbeing and you’re probably used to pandering to him so it’s natural to feel odd and a bit guilty doing this.

But you have no reason to feel guilty. It’s terrific that you’re protecting your child by taking him away from an abusive relationship. Your child is your no 1 priority and then you because your child needs his mother to be in good shape.

Good luck, OP.

Original poster
arinah · 03/04/2021 17:02

That's exactly it @Dery, it's been a peaceful few days because we get on better when we're not together - he's been keeping to himself and DD and I have just been hanging out together/I've been WFH. He helped me leave the grasp of my narc father but pushed everyone else away too, I was surprised my friends have even wanted to help me after 7 years of pretty much radio silence.
And you're right about the pandering, the entire marriage has been on my shoulders with me running around making sure he got everything that he wanted!

OP posts:
itwa · 04/04/2021 18:18

I hope your friends have collected you now and you are with them, safe and sound.

Original poster
arinah · 06/04/2021 09:08

Sorry @itwa I should've said they're not coming until tomorrow Blush all of this time waiting for Wednesday to come has left me wondering if I'm doing the right thing...

OP posts:
JanetandJohn500 · 06/04/2021 09:16

I'm Merseyside. I'll help you get wherever you need to go. You're not alone xx

Original poster
arinah · 06/04/2021 09:24

@JanetandJohn500 PMing you now Smile

OP posts:
Nannyamc · 06/04/2021 09:26

You have come so far already. Dont give up now. A far new life awaits you. Wishing you courage and strength.

Original poster
arinah · 06/04/2021 09:30

You're right @Nannyamc. It's not guilt for me, it's for DD because she adores her dad. But on the other hand, I can already see a pattern emerging of her doing the most to get her dad's attention, which was the same with me and DF, and in the end it all turned out to be conditional and all on his terms anyway. Thank you, I could do with some strength right now!

OP posts:
Nannyamc · 06/04/2021 09:39

My mam was in the same situation for years and never left. She died at 50 and if only she had the courage to do it. Your baby will not remember him at this age so think of them. You can do this. You are more than half way there. Life is for living not enduring this. You sound like a wonderful mum.

Original poster
arinah · 06/04/2021 09:52

I'm really sorry to hear that, she deserved better ❤️

OP posts:
itwa · 06/04/2021 13:08

I'm sorry you have had to wait, but you are doing the right thing.
I hope tomorrow goes well and you will be safe with your friends by tomorrow night.

Lena007 · 06/04/2021 16:00

Fingers crossed for you op, good luck for tomorrow Thanks

itwa · 07/04/2021 22:02

I hope you are safe and well.

Queenie6655 · 07/04/2021 22:18

You poor thing

Hope you are ok??

Nannyamc · 08/04/2021 23:10

How are you doing? Love to know you are ok

YouBringLightInToADarkPlace · 08/04/2021 23:19

Are you safe and well OP?

Original poster
arinah · 11/04/2021 10:13

Sorry guys, I haven't had WiFi and ran out of data. I'm safe and well, all of the odds were against me that morning - my money didn't come through to pay for a train ticket, and my friend's car was in MOT.anaged to scramble some money together for a ticket and left :) I was shaking so bad but I did it!! Thank you guys for all the support Flowers I've had certain contacts blocked on my phone until I get my head together.

OP posts:
Thistles24 · 11/04/2021 10:19

Well done! All the best in this new chapterFlowers

RandomMess · 11/04/2021 10:27

I am so happy for you!!!

You can actually get free rail tickets if leaving domestic abuse, I hope that comes in helpful for someone else.

Onwards and upwards.