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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ending the affair

44 replies

Sam344 · 31/03/2021 14:46

Sam344

Hi I don’t expect any sympathy and I’ve already beaten myself up mentally to breaking point so please I just need advice maybe from someone who has gone though similar and has gotten through it.

I’ve been having an affair with a guy at work, I’ve fallen in love with him 🤦‍♀️ Each time I end it I always end up back with him, I’m married with 2 children and he has a gf. I’ve ended it again and I’m determined to put my husband (I really want my marriage to work) and my children before my own selfish needs. I’m heartbroken and looking for advice on how to cope when I’ve got to see this person everyday at work, I’ve just had a promotion so leaving isn’t an option for me. Thank you so much.

OP posts:
Cupofcampbellssoup · 31/03/2021 15:54

I haven’t been through this, but have you thought about why you kept going back to him?

So instead of Each time I end it I always end up back with him, why each time did you decide to go back?

Congratulations on the promotion by the way!

Original poster
Sam344 · 31/03/2021 16:13

I feel bad for him and it hurts me to see him hurting I think that’s why I keep going back but I know I’m doing him no favours by keeping going back.

OP posts:
Ruminating2020 · 31/03/2021 16:16

@Sam344

I feel bad for him and it hurts me to see him hurting I think that’s why I keep going back but I know I’m doing him no favours by keeping going back.
Are you married or in an LTR? Do you feel bad for your dh or dp? Your AP will recover eventually, but it's your dh that you promised to stick with.

If you keep going back and forth with the AP, you will get deeper into it and you will find it harder to get out of every time.

Ruminating2020 · 31/03/2021 16:18

Sorry, should have read your op properly! I see you are married with 2 children. Would you feel bad to see your dh and dcs hurt? Of course, so do all you can to avoid the AP.

Ruminating2020 · 31/03/2021 16:19

Block the AP on all platforms. Make sure any interactions at work is purely work related and that you are not alone with the AP.

Have lunch with other colleagues.
Do not share lifts with this person.

Midlifecrisis7 · 31/03/2021 16:22

@Sam344 You have my sympathy. My EA has just ended, AP finished with me. He lives across the road. I know he is doing me a massive favour in the long run as I'm married with 3 kids and him in a LTR. But still hurts like hell and like you can't avoid him. I've not blocked him on SM but have unfriended and unfollowed him. Told him I was doing it as I am gutted. I'm a bitch for treating my dh like this. As my username goes, think it possibly could just be why it happened in the first place and throwing a pandemic into the mix too. I'm hoping it gets better and am going to try focus on marriage like you.

category12 · 31/03/2021 16:22

What contact do you have with your AP at work?

You need to work out ways to manage this and to limit contact, if you genuinely want to stop this.

If you ended contact and stopped having private conversations with him, you wouldn't be able to be guilted into seeing him again.

So end it. Block him. Restrict any contact with him at work to purely professional and public.

Midlifecrisis7 · 31/03/2021 16:24

@Ruminating2020 does speak wise words like she did to me on the other thread. Day 2 nc and still feel crap but trying to focus on some new DIY projects to distract me

blackrimmedspecs · 31/03/2021 16:31

Why is he still with his gf if he wants to be with you? If he was so upset every time you break up surely he'd be single and open to being with you? Or is he just stringing his gf along? Think this is about other issues for both of you, getting bk with him because you feel sorry for him dosen't seem to get to the bottom of it. Agree with other poster, try and figure our why you keep going bk, also why are you staying in your marriage?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/03/2021 17:34

@Sam344

I feel bad for him and it hurts me to see him hurting I think that’s why I keep going back but I know I’m doing him no favours by keeping going back.
Put simply, if this is true then you're making a conscious choice each time you restart it with him to put his feelings and wants before the feelings and needs of your partner and your children.

Is that a choice you're comfortable making? I would guess not,

It's completely within your control to only speak about work related matters, and only do so when necessary. If you are unable to do that then you need to start looking for another job. A promotion doesn't mean you're forced to stay in one workplace forever and if you are unable to control your interactions with this man and have a purely professional dynamic then you're doomed to fail when it comes to stopping the affair.

This really is all in your hands. You don't just magically find yourself back with him kissing and shagging and talking intimately behind your partners' backs. You make an active choice to do so. You need to take ownership of this more than you currently seem to be in order to move on with your life

Original poster
Sam344 · 31/03/2021 18:02

Thank you everyone for your reply, I am completely committed to saving my marriage and putting my children first. I don’t have to be alone with him at work and there is little contact if I want it this way which I do. I really appreciate all your advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sam344 · 31/03/2021 18:05

We’re not perfect and I’m just as messed up as you are I’m afraid. Hope everything works out for you and I guess there does come a time when you must end the affair and focus on what really matters 🤗

OP posts:
Original poster
Sam344 · 31/03/2021 18:08

I know he doesn’t have any intention of leaving his gf I found out he recently just got a mortgage with her and lying to me saying it was just him, god I’ve been so stupid. I desperately want to save my marriage I love my husband although you may find that hard to believe.

OP posts:
Srslydontgiveacrap · 31/03/2021 18:10

I am completely committed to saving my marriage and putting my children first.

HAHAHA

Why not confess to your DH and see whether he still wants you.

Seadad · 31/03/2021 18:13

OP - I think you need to stop trying to externalise your actions. In other words - stop looking to your AP and his 'feelings' and your work environment to excuse what you do. It's like blaming the packet of cigarettes or the corner shop for being unable to quit smoking.
All the answers and all the control is with you- your choices and your decisions over your life.

My question would be - why don't you confess to your DH, break the news to APs partner, and make a go of this new relationship?
I suspect the answer is all the things you haven't even mentioned- your DH, your children, your family, your home, would be changed forever by your pursuit of this OM. So why not act like they matter?
You say you keep ending and going back - but n one is coercing you. It's just cake eating and if you keep going back for this cake you will end up with the biggest heartache of your life.
You have so much to adjust to now, and your post affair life will never be the same. You will never be innocent and will have to carry this guilt going forward in order to keep your life the way it is. So is it worth it?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/03/2021 18:16

@Sam344

I know he doesn’t have any intention of leaving his gf I found out he recently just got a mortgage with her and lying to me saying it was just him, god I’ve been so stupid. I desperately want to save my marriage I love my husband although you may find that hard to believe.
So you were hoping for him to become single and have an actual relationship with him?

If so, it sounds like it's only 'over' because he didn't want the same, so you're now still with your poor husband who is none the wiser.

Poor bloke, it's horrible being someone's back up plan.

Seadad · 31/03/2021 18:23

Three really important questions OP

  • who would you rather be with, DH or OP?
  • does your DH have any suspicion?
  • do you really love your DH or just wish you did?
Seadad · 31/03/2021 18:23

*DH or AP?

sodoffmenopause · 31/03/2021 18:30

I hope this helps. A long one for me!

I'm 4 years out of this situation and I was going to ask how old you are? Reason being my hormones went totally crazy and I fell for a complete tool of a guy, I was so so in love, obsessed, happy, excited and just loved the secret and the special messages and attention.

I had what I now know is called "in plain sight" affair, he was a family friend came to our home, was part of a friendship group and we thought we were so clever.

Hindsight is great and I can now see him for the twat that he was and I can see myself behaving like an idiot as well. In the moment it felt real, it felt amazing and I got totally swept away.

My marriage has never really recovered if I'm honest I've lost my DH emotionally, he knew deep down what I was doing and he distanced, I've distanced through guilt and it's never felt the same. It's ok, just about.

The sooner you can get away from this the better and the less damage it will cause.

Mine was a perfect storm of hormones, right place, being taken for granted by DH, low self esteem, being selfish and stupid.

He was also the polar opposite of my DH, My DH is passive and laid back, this guy was 100 miles and hour crazy, funny, silly and ambitious.

All combined to me falling for the nonsense of him leaving his wife.

All I can say is thank god I didn't carry on, it was hard to finish, he was like a drug but we gradually slowed and then stopped contact, he drifted out of my life and now I have the odd glance on LinkedIn at his photo and I have nothing, no feelings at all just grateful that I was strong enough to walk away, I do still miss the buzz of having that secret but I've filled my life up to the brim with good friends.

During lockdown I reflected in what a nightmare (high energy) he would of been.

I hope that helps you see a future without him, if someone had told me this 4 years ago when I was in the thick of it.. I think I would of struggled to end it as well.

Overtime2019 · 31/03/2021 18:34

I feel sorry for your husband and kids and I truthfully hope he finds out and leaves your sorry ass as it’s what you deserve

Rosieposy89 · 31/03/2021 18:36

I feel sorry for your DH living a complete lie. How can you be committed to future with him when you have betrayed him in the worst way possible? The decent thing is to tell your DH and let them decide. How would you feel if your husband had an affair and decided to carry on working with the AP?

PurpleMustang · 31/03/2021 18:50

You have found out he was lying to you to keep you around. He is obviously lying to his gf. And you go back because he is sad and hurting. Hate to say it but I bet he is only sad and hurting until he finds another. You need to focus on how sad and hurt your husband, children and families/friends would be if this doesn't end and they find out

SionnachGlic · 31/03/2021 19:00

Just imagine your DH finding out that you are cheating & how all your good intentions about ending it will mean nothing then. And your kids. Just think- if you walked in the door this eve & he confronted you with undeniable indisputable evidence of your affair...what would happen, like really imagine the fall-out...DH, kids, parents, inlaws, friends, your home. Maybe even your job if it would all be frowned upon (esp if you are senior to APor he to you). If you truly want to put your DH first, then do it. Steer clear of AP, block him, do not be alone & avoid being in company with him, no meaningful glances, establish a new day to day of not being in contact with him & soon it will become a routine pattern. It will be hard but the alternative will be devastating if you really don't want to lose your DH.

And I agree with earlier poster...the promotion is not a reason to stay in current employment...if anything after a couple of months, it allows you to look for the equivalent (better) position with new employers. AP will get over it, does he really want the mess of this affair seeing the light of day & would he stick around then? You are not trapped in either the affair or your job. Change it while you are still in control...before it is found out & then the future of your marriage is up to your DH. If you really really want to stay married that is.

Fraggle40 · 31/03/2021 20:32

I just dont get it.. i just could never cheat.. i would feel so disgusted with myself. Do the decent thing, leave the job and never see him again

ClarkeGriffin · 31/03/2021 20:44

He's only sad and hurting because he's no longer getting easy sex from a easily persuadeable woman. Also your colleagues probably know about it.

You really need to wake up to reality. You're an idiot who is being used. He doesn't love you. He loves the sex. He loves the chase. But certainly not you.