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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ending the affair

44 replies

Sam344 · 31/03/2021 14:46

Sam344

Hi I don’t expect any sympathy and I’ve already beaten myself up mentally to breaking point so please I just need advice maybe from someone who has gone though similar and has gotten through it.

I’ve been having an affair with a guy at work, I’ve fallen in love with him 🤦‍♀️ Each time I end it I always end up back with him, I’m married with 2 children and he has a gf. I’ve ended it again and I’m determined to put my husband (I really want my marriage to work) and my children before my own selfish needs. I’m heartbroken and looking for advice on how to cope when I’ve got to see this person everyday at work, I’ve just had a promotion so leaving isn’t an option for me. Thank you so much.

OP posts:

BehindMyEyes · 31/03/2021 20:57

@Sam344

I know he doesn’t have any intention of leaving his gf I found out he recently just got a mortgage with her and lying to me saying it was just him, god I’ve been so stupid. I desperately want to save my marriage I love my husband although you may find that hard to believe.

Are you saying that you were actually ready to leave your H and forge a relationship with this guy if he had been willing ?

Sunflower1970 · 31/03/2021 21:13

Your lover is just having his cake and eating it. Your husband is being deceived in the most horrible way. I would hate somebody to treat me like this. Do the decent thing and be honest with your husband. He can then decide if he wants to be with somebody like you

kindabeenthere · 31/03/2021 21:14

Good luck. Definitely consider using some of your promotion money to pay for some (nonjudgmental) therapy so you can sort out your feelings about this.

Srslydontgiveacrap · 31/03/2021 21:15

@ClarkeGriffin

He's only sad and hurting because he's no longer getting easy sex from a easily persuadeable woman. Also your colleagues probably know about it.

You really need to wake up to reality. You're an idiot who is being used. He doesn't love you. He loves the sex. He loves the chase. But certainly not you.

Why did you come to that conclusion? Maybe OP loves the chase. Maybe she is using him. She certainly doesn't seem to have much remorse over this sorry situation. After all, she is the one who is married not the OM.

She's had her fun and now she wants to return to the security of DH and the kids. Really a pathetic coward. OP should own up to her disgusting behaviour and let her DH decide.

ClarkeGriffin · 31/03/2021 21:24

@Srslydontgiveacrap

Yes but one problem at a time. She needs to realise how stupid she has been being taken in by the om. Then she needs to actually feel remorse for what she's done and tell her husband.

I don't think she was doing the chasing. Think she was very easily manipulated by the om. She was weak.

TragicKingdom · 04/04/2021 08:52

Hi Sam, I sympathise with your situation. I had an affair last year, I'd been married 20 years. Absolutely no excuses, our relationship was more as friends, hardly any intimacy but we got on great, had fun together, a nice home. I didn't set out to have an affair, I wanted someone to talk to, there were times I felt incredibly lonely and like I should end our marriage for both of of our sakes.

I stupidly got more involved with someone and I don't understand why I kept letting it happen. I didn't look forward to spending time with him, I'd leave him feeling unhappy, but I couldn't end it. He had developed strong feelings and I was scared of hurting him. Scared of losing the emotional prop, and of losing someone who felt that way about me.

My husband found out a few months ago and we have separated. This is a hundred times more painful than the thought of ending the affair had been. And a compleye eye opener as to my feelings and thoughts about my marriage.

I will forever regret betraying my best friend and causing him so much hurt. From my experience all I can say is that the pain of losing my husband is far greater then the pain of ending the affair and I wish I had done it so much sooner.

Take care.

Srslydontgiveacrap · 04/04/2021 08:55

I don't think she was doing the chasing. Think she was very easily manipulated by the om. She was weak.

She needs to take responsibility for her own actions. There is nothing to suggest that she was manipulated. Bit of a cop out to say that.

ferando81 · 04/04/2021 09:18

Only you can know if telling your husband is the right thing .You are both now living a lie which in some ways is your punishment. Every time he tells you he loves you ,you will think I don’t deserve this he wouldn’t love me if he knew the truth .He is now loving a fantasy ,a woman he thought would never betray him .Very very sad

EnoughnowIthink · 04/04/2021 10:36

Committed to making your marriage work? Really?

I suggest you come clean to your husband and let him make the decision as to whether or not he wants to stay married to you. Imagine being the person lied to in this way. Your marriage is a sham and you care nothing at all for your husband and even less for the security of your children. Perhaps face up to who you are and what you’ve done rather than continuing to hide. It is difficult to have respect for people who refuse to look themselves in the mirror,

SoupDragon · 04/04/2021 10:43

Why not confess to your DH and see whether he still wants you.

This.

He needs to get an STD check for a start.

Budsey · 04/04/2021 11:24

hi to be honest don't tell your hubby... what for ? this will cause total devastation ......I strongly suggest that you get some form of counselling as to why you needed the extra attention what is really going on ? sounds a total fantasy to me that you built up to think that you were the centre of the OMs world and the truth is you are NOT .....
take ownership you have risked everything for what exactly ? the cruelty of deceit can never be dressed up it is what it is ...cruel ....
and to dump that on your hubby you will be causing even more pain in the hope of what ? that hubby will be forever grateful ? that he is with some one who he trusted with his life his inner most emotions ? that he be forever grateful that you have chosen him over the OM
which is not the truth is it ? you discovered the OM was buying a house with GF and this is what put you in the real picture ?
you really do need to get the help to make a decision as to where you want to go in your marriage... be strong and take ownership only you can make this decision and be very careful ...you have risked everything be watchful that your hubby hasn't sussed out what has been going on you still stand the risk of losing everything that you hold dear ......and trust in what others are saying the pain you feel now is NOTHING compared to the loss of your hubby and the respect of your kids and family ............get the counselling /help first and then make decisions ...there's more going on here ...the longer you leave it the worst it will get and most of it requires brutal honesty which maybe you have been hiding from ? good luck wish you well ............

MaLarkinn · 04/04/2021 12:38

You need to leave your job for starters op.

MiddayMadDog · 04/04/2021 15:32

You clearly are not 100% committed to your family as your new promotion is more important to you.
Take a demotion and get another job away from this man. That will show commitment.

I also agree you should tell your husband. He has the right to make a decision about his own marriage based on the facts. Especially when you sound quite likely to still start having sex with this man again in the near future.

Kintsugi16 · 04/04/2021 15:54

You are prioritising your job over your family.
That’s a poor decision.

Chances are your husband is shagging someone else anyway and your affair partner is happy with his GF and just wants a to use you for extra sex.

You’ve obviously worked hard for your promotion so it’s surprising your letting other people walk all over you. Your poor kids

TaraR2020 · 04/04/2021 16:15

To those suggesting that op is prioritising job over family, I think that's a bit short sighted. We're slowly coming out of a pandemic, careers are difficult atm for many people and the family probably rely on her salary- she can't just hand in her notice without another to go to and it may take a while to find something else.

Op, if you're committed to making your marriage work then there has to be no going back as far as AP is concerned. Keep your distance in all ways and as far away from him as possible. Don't communicate with him unless you absolutely have to and then keep it civil and to the point.
Keep no momentoes.

Give yourself time to get over him, which you will do. Dont expect to feel OK about the breakup overnight, but keep moving forward with your dh. As a pp suggested, counselling might help you.

Anordinarymum · 04/04/2021 16:16

OP You don't love your husband enough to deserve him IMHO.

jessstan2 · 04/04/2021 16:45

@Sam344

I'm sure you do love your husband.

The man with whom you've been having an affair is buying a house with another woman, that says it all. He wants the best of both worlds.

You say you cannot leave your job - well you can but maybe he will leave.

Please, please try to put this behind you which I know is not easy but is it worth all the risks? Imagine if your husband did the same.

VeganVeal · 04/04/2021 17:12

SoupDragon · 04/04/2021 17:16

Imagine if your husband did the same.

Everyone would be saying LTB.

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