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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

what's the best way to act in this scenario?

32 replies

cockcrisps · 31/03/2021 14:38

I have had an on-again and off-again relationship with a man that has bordered on FWB at times and more like a relationship at other times. It has been going on 3 years. We spoke a lot during lockdown (daily) and met up again for the first time yesterday. While making plans to do this he said that he was desperate to sleep with me. I said I would like to sleep with him too but that I was really looking for a relationship now, something serious and that I did not want to just meet up to have sex, I wanted to spend time together. We had also told each other we loved each other over lockdown, which was the first time we had done this (instigated by him.)

We met up yesterday, it was great to see him, we chatted, caught up and had sex. About 10mins after sex while we were lying there he said "right I've got to start think about heading off."

I said "hold on, I told you what I wanted and you assured me this is not what you would be doing."

He said, "did you?"

I said "Yes."

He said "I'd forgotten then."

I said "there's no way you could have forgotten."

He said "well maybe I was lying then," and he started to laugh.

Obviously he is a complete and utter dickhead, but I don't know how to react to this. I have felt really upset. Given our exchanges over the last few weeks and the fact I made it so clear what I wanted and even pre-empted what might happen and he assured me that it wouldn't.

I feel broken by it and i don't know why. My self esteem is rock bottom.

Today he is pretending that everything is normal. I am avoiding him, I don't know why. I have to see him socially in the next few days, I don't now how to act? Or if to say something? Or tell him what I think of him?

I feel like my head is not screwed on anymore

OP posts:

MadeForThis · 31/03/2021 14:43

He tricked you into sleeping with him. He knew you wanted a relationship and what your conditions were for restarting your sexual relationship.

He's a creep at best.

seensome · 31/03/2021 14:48

What a dickhead, I would avoid socials that involve him and ignore his messages. Move on don't give him anymore chances.

Rummikub · 31/03/2021 14:53

You need to stop contact with him. He will keep pulling you in, tricking you and hurting you.
3 years is plenty of time for him to know if he wants something serious with you.

marmitecravings · 31/03/2021 14:55

He sounds like poison

EssentialHummus · 31/03/2021 14:55

What a gaslighting prick. Remember this feeling OP. Block him on al channels, delete his number and don’t let him back into your life.

GeorgeandHarold66 · 31/03/2021 14:57

What an absolute dickhead. I'm so sorry this has happened.

How to act?

Cut all 1-1 contact and block him so he has no way to contact you. Don't announce or explain because he already knows what he's done.

If you do have to meet him for unavoidable reasons, be polite but factual. No chit chat and no conversations about your "friendship"

Work on your self esteem before seeking another relationship, you are worth so much more than this.

Be aware that he will try to worm his way back in, next time he wants sex. Don't listen, steer well clear.

Original poster

cockcrisps · 31/03/2021 14:57

I feel like sending him a diatribe over text but I know that's not right. Please tell me not to?

OP posts:

GeorgeandHarold66 · 31/03/2021 14:58

@cockcrisps

I feel like sending him a diatribe over text but I know that's not right. Please tell me not to?

Absolutely don't, any attempt at "closure" contact will only open you up to letting this continue.

Cutting contact is a body blow at first but will hurt much less in the long run.

Purplecatshopaholic · 31/03/2021 14:59

Yuck, what a creep - and a cruel person. Block, ignore, avoid and move on. If you really have to see him socially I would avoid talking to him. I am sorry you went through this op - some people are hurtful and nasty.

hamstersarse · 31/03/2021 15:00

Don’t text him. You know that!

Just sit with it for a few days. Really give yourself time to organise your feelings.

You’ll know what to do

me4real · 31/03/2021 15:01

I feel broken by it and i don't know why. My self esteem is rock bottom.

It's not surprising you feel bad and you know why. You've been/are being used when that's not what you want now and you made it clear. He did lie in saying he forgot (users often pretend that.)

Block him and your self esteem will get a boost as you'll be asserting to yourself that you deserve better than this treatment.

It doesn't matter if you have to see him socially- you can be civil in public and still have made it clear to him that how he acted was not ok, by blocking.

seensome · 31/03/2021 15:01

Don't message him, best to act like you don't care enough. Be strong not to respond to him in future.

HeronLanyon · 31/03/2021 15:02

I personally would send a text. Short and telling him what he did was crap and that you don’t want anything further to do with him and what a stupid tosser (or similar) he is to have behaved that way. Then block him.

flyingant · 31/03/2021 15:02

Read The No Contact Rule and follow it.

HeronLanyon · 31/03/2021 15:04

Just blocking is kind of ‘young’ in my view in these circs when you known him for years etc. He’s treated you appallingly. Tell him and block him.

Rainbowshine · 31/03/2021 15:04

Remember that cutting off all contact is the short term pain for the long term gain. I would block or even delete his details from everything, phone, email, social media etc. Do you have any mutual friends who you can confide in that as far as you’re concerned it’s over? Then he can’t send the flying monkeys in to get them to see if you’ll rekindle things with him.

me4real · 31/03/2021 15:05

I feel like sending him a diatribe over text but I know that's not right. Please tell me not to?

@cockcrisps This can actually be cathartic if you don't feel it's undignifiedfor you at this time.

You can tell him what you think, then immediately block him on everything so there isn't an opportunity for him to say things that will damage you, and you're no longer in communication with him.

Mywingshurt · 31/03/2021 15:05

Personally I'd tell him you're becoming more open to the FWB scenario. Tell him you're going to need to adapt though and talk through the logistics so you don't get too attached - I'd ask him to get a takeaway and buy a couple of bottles of wine first so you can discuss. I'd then ask him to go to another room as you have a sexy surprise for him.

Then I'd swipe the food and wine and be on my way.

Purplewithred · 31/03/2021 15:07

A short dignified diatribe would be understandable with clear termination of the relationship, followed by blocking.

Addicted2LuvIsland · 31/03/2021 15:12

Absolutely do not text him ever again. If you feel you will be triggered by the social meet up then do not go. If you feel you can cope and then, then If you do go then just be polite and charming but do not spend any extra time with him aside from a hi or a hello. If he tries to join in a conversation your are having with someone else, do not be rude but slip away casually. If you cannot do this then take space and do not go.

user1493413286 · 31/03/2021 15:18

Take the high road and be icily polite to him in front of people but cut him off in other ways, don’t talk to him in person and block him. I often think that total silence is more powerful than losing your rag at him.
He’s a dick and getting onto discussions with him about that won’t change it and just gives him the opportunity to paint you as the “crazy ones”

Cupofcampbellssoup · 31/03/2021 15:25

@cockcrisps

You deserve so much better than this.

I don’t think that you’ll ever get the closure you want from him —or the relationship you want from him- because both would involve him acknowledging the full extent of the hurt he has caused you - and given how he has behaved, that sounds unlikely.

Whether you just block or message first saying that the relationship and his treatment of you isn’t what you want and you are ending it and blocking him (and then block him), I would definitely cut contact. You need to heal emotionally and you won’t be able to do that with him popping up whenever he wants sex.

Do you have to see him socially in the next few days? What’s the event? Unless it is a wedding of a friend (or similar) I would cancel. Think “what is best for me”. I suspect that although both are painful, not seeing him will be less painful.

Diaries are great for diatribes you want to write - get it all down on paper so it’s no longer inside you.

Lampan · 31/03/2021 15:29

Gosh OP what an unpleasant dick he is.
In this situation, SILENCE is by far the most powerful reaction. So just don’t reply to his messages, don’t instigate any contact and if you have to see him socially with other people, just be polite but distant, as you would be if he was just a vague acquaintance.

The reason that silence is better than blocking or sending him a rant is that it gives NO CLUE to him about your feelings. If he knew you were angry or upset he could reason with himself that he’s had a lucky escape (he hasn’t, but shitty people are good at justifying shitty behaviour). So if you sent him a diatribe he’d tell himself you’re a psycho, if you blocked him he’d tell himself you’re immature, if you let him know you’re upset he’d probably think you are obsessed and clingy etc etc.

So just enjoy the power of silence, and it’s good that you won’t be making the same mistake in future if he tries to lie his way back in.

AdaThorne · 31/03/2021 15:33

Oh cockcrisps this is so rubbish - he's a total dick and you deserve much better.

You know sending the text won't help you and just gives him something to argue with you about to prove he was not a dick... when you know he is one.

FWB when it blurs into the potential of something more is so tough. Ignore, block and move on is the only way you can really get past it. If you see him in a group just nod and don't get cornered into talking separately.

I'm so cross for you. Not only is his behaviour unkind and shitty but he literally got you to sleep with him under false pretences. He is not a catch. At all.

category12 · 31/03/2021 15:45

Ugh, what a dick he was. Sorry op

At least you know what a prick he is for sure.

Stop all contact. If you have to see him sociai, chin up, shoulders straight and just be brief and coldly civil.

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