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Original poster

Weird marriage

48 replies

Cool2bkind123 · 31/03/2021 00:58

Seeking advice as been married for 2.5 years and not consummated yet because of DH not wanting to. I have strong waves of resentment from time to time because I also have pre-existing gynaecological issues and over 40. So the question of children remains unanswered or delayed by DH. Not fussed if I couldn't have kids if single. But it's weird to be held back whilst married by someone who says they want kids but won't have sex. What should I do?

OP posts:
Waferbiscuit · 31/03/2021 01:00

This is not normal op. Have you ever had sex together or is this just a post wedding thing?

Original poster
Cool2bkind123 · 31/03/2021 01:05

Nope.

OP posts:
tortoiselover100 · 31/03/2021 01:08

Has he talked about why not? Is it really small or can he not get an erection? You can get your marriage annulled if it isn't consummated. Do you want to stay with him?

DPotter · 31/03/2021 01:16

The short answer is yes - non-consummated marriages are not the norm.

Do you wish to continue with your marriage?

Would you're DH consider counselling with a sex therapist as a couple ?

If you would like children, would you and he consider AI by donor

Apologies for all the questions, and I have to ask, because it's the elephant in the room - could your DH be gay ? It's unusual in this day and age for a couple to marry not having had sex, unless they come from a culture or religion that requires no sex before marriage.

I think the ball is definitely in your court. If you are content to have a marriage without sex and therefore no children that's fine. However if you do want a sex life and possibly children, you are quite within your rights to seek a divorce. I know some religions will annul a marriage for non consummation but I don't know how the law stands on this. If you are from a religious community, this is something you could discuss with the priest. Maybe it's also time to discuss this with a solicitor to understand the legal side of things.

LabbyNoona · 31/03/2021 01:17

If you’ve never had sex together, surely you’ve discussed this before? Why doesn’t he want to?

Must be difficult but surely you knew this was likely to continue after you got married as well?

Wanderlusto · 31/03/2021 01:19

Yup, very weird..

I think it's just as weird to only want kids because you feel its 'the done thing' in a marriage too though.

Was there some religious reason as to why you waited before marrying for sex?

I'd be thinking he is either asexual or is gay and using you as a beard tbh.

Original poster
Cool2bkind123 · 31/03/2021 01:20

We have talked about and he thinks it is a problem and is ashamed although he said his libido has never really been high. He is seeking support from friends in medical profession but is wary of counselling. I've been waiting it out and trying to be supportive but feel like a fool sometimes

OP posts:
Original poster
Cool2bkind123 · 31/03/2021 01:24

Religious reason yes. But of course it was difficult to resist before marriage. Now married and can't get going. Have asked the gay question sensitively. Got firm no.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cool2bkind123 · 31/03/2021 01:26

I'm not over concerned about his reasons as it doesn't really matter what he says. It's about me not going nuts. The question is how long is too long to wait realistically?

OP posts:
OysterMonkey · 31/03/2021 01:27

How long have you been together in total?
Do you do other stuff? And it’s just full-on sex he’s not up for? Or is it a total embargo?
How do you feel?

I’m not going to lie, it is unusual. And I’d want answers from my husband. But then I wouldn’t have married someone I’d never had sex with.

Original poster
Cool2bkind123 · 31/03/2021 01:29

Also not desperate for children, just wanted the decision to be my choice or a choice as a couple. Not a passive circumstance caused by someone else.

OP posts:
DPotter · 31/03/2021 01:29

I think 2.5 yrs is plenty of waiting. Any decent "friend in the medical profession" would have referred him on long ago so I suspect he's backed away from firm offers of help from here.

As I say the ball is in your court - tell him you want a action plan, eg GP appointment, contact Relate (they have sex therapists), within a certain time scale. And you need to be clear with him (and yourself) of the consequences of him not following through. I would also start to share with someone in RL - your own GP, priest, Mum, sister. And don't let him say it's not anyone's else business. It maybe his choice not to want sex, but it's having an impact on you, so it's just as much your story to tell as his.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 31/03/2021 01:30

2.5 years is too long OP. He is never going to do it after that length of time.
Do you think he might be gay. Are you from a culture that does not allow people to be gay?

Original poster
Cool2bkind123 · 31/03/2021 01:31

Yes, it's was the stupidest thing an adult could do. But could have still been in the same boat after marriage. Smile

OP posts:
OysterMonkey · 31/03/2021 01:31

Cross-post there re the religious reasons.

In that case then, I’d be expecting him to be excited about the prospect. But maybe if he’s waited all this time he’s actually terrified. 2.5 years is too long post wedding imho. He needs to be dealing with whatever is causing his reticence. It’s not fair on you.

Original poster
Cool2bkind123 · 31/03/2021 01:32

I agree, thank you

OP posts:
ismiseeire · 31/03/2021 01:32

As long as it takes for you to go bonkers is the qualifying period for you to say FUCK THIS SHIT and walk away.

I'm sure that he is a lovely and kind, caring man. But he is not a husband.

ismiseeire · 31/03/2021 01:37

It's not your fault in any way. It's not because of your looks, your personality, your inability to cook, your bad housekeeping. It's not because you are unkind or uncaring or cruel.

It's simply his issue.

You need to leave honey. You haven't even consummated the marriage 2.5 years later. It's not normal.

You could technically have the marriage annulled, though I believe it's not a well-trodden path.

I'm sure that you love him and that he loves you. But it's absolutely abnormal.

Wanderlusto · 31/03/2021 01:38

I might have gave him a year. But 2.5? Nope. Not a chance. He is taking the piss. And not interested in sex. And even worse, not interested in looking into remedying his lack of interest. Apathetic, self centred and uninterested in your desires.

You didnt sign up for a sexless marriage.
And if it was never consummated, you could surely just get it annulled. Might be better that way than if he finally attempts it the once... and then never again.

Original poster
Cool2bkind123 · 31/03/2021 01:38

I think following through on consequences as suggested is the key. I've made threats but shifted goal posts. No good for my sanity.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cool2bkind123 · 31/03/2021 01:40

I've looked at annulment. I do love him actually yes. If I didn't I'd already be done.

OP posts:
ismiseeire · 31/03/2021 01:41

If he sees you as a 'sin' in some way (are you from a different culture or religion? Are his parents a heavy influence - particularly his mother?), this will never happen.

Move on. I bet that you are beautiful and from a different culture. His mother feels intimidated by you. He is afraid. It sounds awful for him but it's not your mess to fix. An annulled marriage in any religion is seen as positive.

Original poster
Cool2bkind123 · 31/03/2021 01:41

Yes, the one time thing is also a concern too. So I appreciate that point v much

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 31/03/2021 01:41

@Cool2bkind123

I think following through on consequences as suggested is the key. I've made threats but shifted goal posts. No good for my sanity.
But sex shouldn't be as a result of pressure anyway. You sleep with someone because you WANT to.

I dont think'concequences' are the answer. Infact, it would arguably be morally wrong.

Just decide to draw a line under it and walk away. Even if he suddenly does decide then that he wants to try, it should be too late. Otherwise he would be foing it for the wrong reasons.

ismiseeire · 31/03/2021 01:44

If you're from a religious belief, an annulment in a church is different to what it is in law. To be annulled in law is really hard. Harder again in a church at times. You could just divorce. Less shit out in the open.