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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Weird marriage

48 replies

Cool2bkind123 · 31/03/2021 00:58

Seeking advice as been married for 2.5 years and not consummated yet because of DH not wanting to. I have strong waves of resentment from time to time because I also have pre-existing gynaecological issues and over 40. So the question of children remains unanswered or delayed by DH. Not fussed if I couldn't have kids if single. But it's weird to be held back whilst married by someone who says they want kids but won't have sex. What should I do?

OP posts:
ismiseeire · 31/03/2021 01:46

@Cool2bkind123

I think following through on consequences as suggested is the key. I've made threats but shifted goal posts. No good for my sanity.
You really can't threaten him to have sex. You shouldn't do that. That is wrong. I'm sure that you're not a sexual predator, but you need to stop doing that. A marriage that has reduced you to threatening a man to have sex with you is all sorts of wrong.
ismiseeire · 31/03/2021 01:49

Can you explain more about the dynamics of the relationship normally, outside of the sexual side and also explain whether there are cultural or religious elements involved in the incompatability?

I've known very many men intimately and the only ones who will turn down sex usually are gay men.

StarlightLady · 31/03/2021 07:00

I’m sorry, but this is so weird. OP, to your knowlege has he ever had sex with anyone?

therocinante · 31/03/2021 07:09

2.5 years is plenty of waiting: if you need to know if you've been reasonable or not - you have, you have every right to tell him that this isn't what you signed up for.

Are you intimate in other ways? Do you cuddle, are you comfortable seeing each other in the shower or while you get dressed, is there any sexual activity?

rainbowstardrops · 31/03/2021 07:15

He sounds more like a friend than a husband. Maybe end the marriage and move on?

HelebethH · 31/03/2021 08:50

Cool2bekind123
I can only imagine how sad this must make you feel. You are married and naturally want to consumate your union. Looking at the situation from the outside there are several reasons that spring to mind as to why your husband has not had sex with you - ever.

  1. There may be religious reasons
  2. He may be gay
  3. He says he has spoken to a friend in the medical profession but nothing seems to have changed in the situation - He has not and is lying to placate you.
  4. There may be something in his past. Maybe aomething he has never shared that he needs counseling for, that has impacted his life and ability to have sex, such as rape or abuse
  5. The last thing I wish to do is upset you but have you considered the fact that he is not being truthful and is perhaps having sex somewhere else?
At the moment what are you getting from this relationship? I can understand a sexless marriage could work, but it has to be a decision reached jointly. Not forced upon one party because the other party will not deal with the issue, because at the moment your husband has a very good "friend and housekeeper" I hope you can resolve this, but if not but you deserve to be happy. Can you face the next 20 or 30 years like this?
Cool2bkind123 · 01/04/2021 21:46

Thanks everyone, I think I've got a lot to be going on with there. Lots to consider.

OP posts:
SeaShoreGalore · 02/04/2021 01:42

He’s not going to change, and you only have one life.

CodMouth · 02/04/2021 02:27

He’s never had sex with you.

He’s either got erection problems or he’s gay. If he’s got problems getting erect he needs to see a doctor.

If he’s gay he’s using you to hide it from his family, which isn’t fair on you or him.

FeelthewrathofthesuperRad · 02/04/2021 02:36

Is he a virgin?

Could he be asexual?

Has he spoke to his GP? That should be his first course of action to make sure there’s not a simple explanation.

From your posts it sounds like he’s not over bothered about trying to sort the issue.
It might be time for an ultimatum. You obviously don’t want to be in a sexless marriage. You don’t want the possibility of children to be taken off the table, it may be time for you to say this to him. If he is unwilling to seek proper medical advice and makes no steps to change, you are wasting your time.

TaraR2020 · 02/04/2021 02:54

Op, if you don't want to end the marriage and yet would like children, but your dh wishes to remain celebate, can you look at other ways of conceiving together?

StarlightLady · 02/04/2021 03:43

Personal opinion, so please don’t shoot me down in flames.

To all, please do not marry someone you have not had sex with. Whatever the reasons for this, l think they are outweighed by reasons you should test the waters.

As for the gay theory, given the right stimulation a gay man can react to a woman.

jessstan2 · 02/04/2021 04:51

@Cool2bkind123

I've looked at annulment. I do love him actually yes. If I didn't I'd already be done.
You could love someone else who was able to consummate the marriage.

I knew someone who was married eleven years without consummation. They had all sorts of counselling and 'treatment' which didn't work, eventually the marriage was annulled. I don't know what happened but she never married though she wanted to and to have children.

It seems strange to me to put up with it for so long though I realise it is nobody's fault and somebody is going to be very hurt sooner or later.

I honestly believe you should have sex before marriage, plenty of religious people do when they are in love. There is no real virtue in hanging on to virginity. However, you have so we are where we are.

You're not happy in a sexless marriage, if you had come to terms with it and were content (some are), you wouldn't be posting about it; if it cannot be rectified, please do not tie yourself down to this for life. It's not just about having babies (and at 40 you'd have to get a move on anyway), but about the intimacy and joy of sex in a loving relationship.

Cool2bkind123 · 08/04/2021 00:30

11 years? I don't want that to be me. I've asked today for a break. We're both in shock.

OP posts:
Changethatname81 · 08/04/2021 00:50

It's very unusual op. What is even more unusual and completely unfair to you is if he's just said something vague about a lack of libido being the problem. Does he mean he can't get an erection? I think the deal breaker is that he isn't talking to you honestly so you have the information to decide whether your marriage is a liveable situation for you.

Woodlandbelle · 08/04/2021 00:57

He surely knows something he isn't telling you - regarding his sexuality. Be kind to yourself.

AnotherSunrise · 08/04/2021 01:18

Why have you put up with this for 2.5 years

jessstan2 · 08/04/2021 01:56

Please do go for an annulment. You will get it, no problem. If you are in the UK, here are details:

www.gov.uk/how-to-annul-marriage#:~:text=You%20can%20annul%20a%20marriage%20for%20a%20number%20of%20reasons,you%20were%20forced%20into%20it

Next time, try before you buy!

ElizabethTudor · 08/04/2021 03:07

@Cool2bkind123

11 years? I don't want that to be me. I've asked today for a break. We're both in shock.
Interesting that he’s in shock. Surely he realised this wasn’t normal?
IndecentCakes · 08/04/2021 03:16

May I enquire which religion? No especial reason, but some strict communities might frown on homosexuality more. It does really sound like he's asexual or likes men. If there was another problem, most men would have at least tried a solution by now.

ForgottenWhyImHere · 08/04/2021 10:44

I think you might both benefit from counselling. Individually and (if there is any chance of you staying together) as a couple.

My ex turned out to be gay. He denied it and denied it for a very long time. Categoric 'no' when asked directly. We did have sex, but I know now that it wasn't what it's like in a 'normal', loving relationship with mutual attraction. Many other people in my situation report little or no sex in their relationships.

If there are strong religious factors, that can be a big part of being gay in denial.

I'm not saying your H is gay. Only he knows that. But some people are able to push their sexuality away for many years before they are able to confront it.

And if he's not gay, then there is something else going on but it's not fair to you or your relationship to live like this. Sooner or later, the feelings of rejection will start to seriously affect you and your self-esteem. (Speaking from experience there, doesn't matter what the reason behind it is).

Counselling for yourself could really help you to work out what you want for yourself, and how to put yourself and your own needs first.

Best of luck to you. It is very, very difficult to take a break when you still love your partner. For what it's worth, two years on from separating from my gay ex, I'm in a really lovely relationship with a man who genuinely finds me attractive - both physically and emotionally. And it's a complete revelation. You deserve the same.

Lweji · 08/04/2021 11:02

Whatever you do, don't coerce him into having sex.
You've asked for a break, but there's a risk he'll try to have sex with you to keep you. Not good.
Use this time to think if you want an asexual relationship or not. BTW, apparently, some people are asexual. It doesn't necessarily mean he's gay or has physical issues.

If you are not happy, let go. You can still be friends, which is basically what you've been so far.

Aprilshowersandhail · 08/04/2021 11:07

Annulment. Or you are sacrificing your happiness for your flatmate...

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