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Original poster

He's scared to have kids

37 replies

Lost20211 · 31/03/2021 00:38

Hi everyone,

Appreciate an objective opinion. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years. I'm now 37. He always said he wants kids, but now I tried to bring it up seriously to suggest we start trying and he freaked out. I love him and the relationship is good but I feel a bit betrayed. I'm happy but don't know if I'm ready to give up on having kids. I'm so confused. Honestly seems like he's back pedaling a bit and I'm hurt. I'm thinking of leaving but think it may be extreme. What do you think?

OP posts:
Sstrongtn · 31/03/2021 00:40

I think if you want kids and he doesn’t then you need to explore other options, I can see why you feel lied to Flowers

Blueraccoon · 31/03/2021 00:45

Depends what you mean by freaked out. Was it a definite no or just some anxiety around the whole thing?

Titsinknicks · 31/03/2021 00:48

I think it's totally normal to be freaked out by the thought of having kids. It's unnecessary and selfish and illogical. Yet we want it.

It's a biological urge and there isn't a good reason to really.

Need more information.

Original poster
Lost20211 · 31/03/2021 01:01

Thanks ladies for comments so far. We've been together for 4 years and the idea of having kids was always something far off. I've had health issues in the last year. Pre-cancerous changes to cells in cervix and had to have LLETZ. Because of that may have problems carrying a baby to term. This has focused my mind on having and I think it may be best to try for a child in the near future. My Mom had cervical cancer and I don't want to wait too long. But now when I've tried to have a real conversation about it he said I've dropped this on him. I get that it now seems much more real for him and he's freaking out. He didn't say no outright but said he wants to think about it. I'm upset because he always said he wants kids and now it seems like he's changing his mind. He said it's not the end of the world if we don't ... sorry for the long post

OP posts:
SunscreenCentral · 31/03/2021 01:08

You’re going to have to speak with him.

In one sense, you could say that he’s saying given there seems to be a question over your fertility, it’s not the end of the world and he just wants to be with you.
If you really want a family, then you’re going to have to spell that out to him and ask if he’s on board.
Good luck op, and dont shilly shally too long about asking him. 4 years is plenty.

DeRigueurMortis · 31/03/2021 01:09

You don't have to "think" about having children when you've met the right partner (caveat: you want kids in general).

I prevaricated with Ex very long term BF and looking back the reason was I didn't want children with him.

With DH we started "trying" 6 months into our relationship.

At your age he knows time is not on your side.

So why wait?

I'm sorry OP but I think it's a red flag on the relationship.

StillMedusa · 31/03/2021 01:13

I think he doesn't want them and is stalling until you are too old... and tbh your window of opportunity is pretty short unless you are very lucky.
Time for a very clear conversation .. you don't have the luxury of time on your side. He's either up for trying or not and you need to know because if he isn't you either need to end the relationship and go it alone (not that donor is easy right now..my DD1 is gay, married and Covid has halted their attempts to start a family) or accept that you may be childless (an equally valid option if you are happy with it)

A real conversation is needed.

DeRigueurMortis · 31/03/2021 01:16

Oh and it's not the end of the world....

Yep, easy words for a man to say when he has the opportunity to be fertile for another 15 years.

I had a work colleague married to a man like your partner.

She gave up her opportunity to be a mother for a man who left her in her 40's for a woman 20 years younger and had 3 children with her.

No one thinks it will happen to them until it does.

Tell him what you want. If he doesn't agree (which is his right) then leave and look for someone else to build a future family with.

ButIcantsitonleather · 31/03/2021 01:52

She gave up her opportunity to be a mother for a man who left her in her 40's for a woman 20 years younger and had 3 children with her

That’s absolutely heartbreaking.

Standrewsschool · 31/03/2021 02:04

I think you need another big discussion. See if it were initial nerves, or whether he genuinely doesn’t want dc. Is he just settled in his ways?

If it’s a definite no, then maybe you may have to split. If you stay, you may resent him in the future, so end up splitting anyway.

SpacePotato · 31/03/2021 02:25

You need to talk to him and tell him that the reason you stayed in this relationship was because he said he wanted children. If he doesn't then you can leave. If he says he does then he can't drag it out or put it off. He's had 4 years to bloody think about it.

Sadly the story of women sticking around until it's too late only for their DH's to fuck off and start a family with a younger woman are all too common.

namechangeaga1n · 31/03/2021 02:26

I guess the question is do you want kids more than you want to be with him (and the subsequent resentment that might bring)? You guys don't have huge amounts of time to play with, so he needs to decide in a reasonable timeframe. I walked away in this position and it was bloody hard as I knew he was "the one". Friends said he may change his mind, lots of people do, but for me, I wanted to try for a child with both parents really really wanting it, not a maybe. I thought in time I may end up resenting him, or how I would feel if we broke up and he had kids with someone else. I didn't know at that point that we would get back together a few years later and eventually (also fertility issues) become a family.

user64332 · 31/03/2021 02:30

How is it springing it on him if you are 37? Ask him if he knows anything about fertility statistics by age. If you wait until 40 your chances are slim. It's hardly out the blue.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/03/2021 02:41

It's shit or get off the pot time. There is almost no thinking time left.

And then the question is whether you'd leave.

fearfulexchange · 31/03/2021 03:00

I think he was future faking to pacify you.
If you've been together four years and at your age plus your health scare if he was serious about a future with you he would be all.
I wouldn't waste your time or energy, you shouldn't have to negotiate to have a baby. If you do and he really doesn't the resentment will come out in his behaviour towards you or the child later on.
Put yourself and your needs / wants first, there are loads of men out there that will want what you want. He doesn't and his drift wood approach to a family is a red flag for problems later on.

Mintjulia · 31/03/2021 03:30

Don't let him take away your chance to have a family.

If he doesn't want children with you then he needs to say so now. And you need to find someone else or consider going it alone.

georgarina · 31/03/2021 03:36

I was in a relationship with someone who didn't want kids - or we would talk about it only in a vague way and it was clear we weren't getting anywhere.

I had a talk with a counselor and she asked if I was willing to give up my dream of children for the relationship.

So I left, did it myself and have what I always wanted, even though I had to do it myself - and he is still single, and clearly wasn't in the place I was in. I could see him settling down in maybe 10 years - but I don't have that luxury!

I would just think about what's the most important thing. Do you want kids, or are you willing to let that go for the relationship?

category12 · 31/03/2021 07:16

It's scarcely springing it on him if you've been together 4 years, you're 37 and having some gynae issues.

You need to be very honest with yourself about what you want in life now - if you want children, your fertility window is shrinking and his is not.

Will you regret not having children if you don't try for them?
If your relationship breaks up in future and you have lost the chance to ttc, would you regret it then?
Personally I'd choose the chance to have children over a relationship, as children are life and men come and go. Ymmv.

Speak to him again, and make sure you put your own needs as a priority when you make any decisions. He has decades of fertility left to squander, you do not.

EarthSight · 31/03/2021 09:01

If he's also 37 and still isn't keen, after 4 years of knowing you even, then he never will. Either he doesn't want to have children for various reasons (was leading you on the whole time or he's genuinely changed his mind) or he doesn't want to have children with as he knows that is a sort of commitment that you can't break. I note that you are still his girlfriend after 4 years, not his wife.

Some people are very casual like this. They just want someone to cuddle and be their companion, in & out of bed but having kids is in a different level of intensity that they're not interested in. I'm so sorry that he's wasted your time x

LivBa · 31/03/2021 09:23

To be honest I'm surprised you've waited 4 years to bring this up seriously when you're already the age you are. It's normal to feel a bit nervous before taking the step of having kids but this is totally different. This boyfriend may want kids but it's obviously clear he's unsure or straight up doesn't want to have them with you. Also, very telling he hasn't proposed and made movement to be legally committed to you instead of just a girlfriend. In this case, I would cut losses now and run.

ThereforeIAm · 31/03/2021 09:31

How old is he?

I would get cracking if I were you. It was too late for me at 37. (Had children but not in the conventional way.)

Blueraccoon · 31/03/2021 09:41

I think you need to lay it on the line to him and soon : either you start trying for a baby or you are ending the relationship. I got caught up in a situation like this in my 30s and let it drag on for far too long. I was miserable, didn’t want to lose him but was heartbroken by the prospect of never having children. Eventually we went our separate ways and I was lucky enough to have one DC in my 40s but I would have liked more. He went on to have a relationship with a younger childless woman who I heard wanted kids but he didn’t. He died when she was in her 40s.

If kids are something you really want don’t waste anymore time if he isn’t going to commit. There really are more fish in the sea.

SVRT19674 · 31/03/2021 09:43

There are soooo many threads like this on MN. To me, my desire to be a mum came above everything else, especially a future faker that was wasting my time. He has all the time in the world, you do not. For what you´ve said it sounds that he simply doesn´t want kids with you. This happened to my aunt, he left her in her forties and had a kid with a co-worker (after saying no kids to her, after marriage). In the divorce hearing he came up to her with a photo of the baby and said: this is something I have and YOU will never have. He knew how to turn the knife in the wound for maximum pain.

LivBa · 31/03/2021 14:45

@SVRT19674

There are soooo many threads like this on MN. To me, my desire to be a mum came above everything else, especially a future faker that was wasting my time. He has all the time in the world, you do not. For what you´ve said it sounds that he simply doesn´t want kids with you. This happened to my aunt, he left her in her forties and had a kid with a co-worker (after saying no kids to her, after marriage). In the divorce hearing he came up to her with a photo of the baby and said: this is something I have and YOU will never have. He knew how to turn the knife in the wound for maximum pain.
Indeed, so many threads like this.

The passivity of some women is shocking and disheartening. I don't understand why they let men dictate such important issues in their lives. At 37 the reality is the OP may have already left it too late.

jessstan2 · 31/03/2021 14:56

When I saw the thread title I thought, "Most people do find the prospect scary", but when I read that you have been with boyfriend for four years and are 37, I felt differently.

I doubt he will change his mind about this. If it is important for you to have a child, please reassess your relationship. It's not too late to find someone else who would like to have a family - just don't be hasty about it.

In the meantime, try to find out what exactly your partner is scared of.

Good luck.