He's scared to have kids

[Lost20211]

Hi everyone,

Appreciate an objective opinion. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years. I'm now 37. He always said he wants kids, but now I tried to bring it up seriously to suggest we start trying and he freaked out. I love him and the relationship is good but I feel a bit betrayed. I'm happy but don't know if I'm ready to give up on having kids. I'm so confused. Honestly seems like he's back pedaling a bit and I'm hurt. I'm thinking of leaving but think it may be extreme. What do you think?

How secure is his job? A lot of people will be panicking about having kids in the near future with another recession on the cards. I'm in a sector that has been hit quite heavily so the idea of trying to find a job if the worst happens fills me with panic, adding a spouse on maternity pay and child on top of that is petrifying. Have you had a talk about how you can make it work financially? It's a conversation you need to have, even if he's not in the mood to talk about it. Either he'll admit its financial issues and be reassured or he'll admit he just doesn't want to look after a child.

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and advice. We've talked again today and I've made it clear what I want. I agreed to give him a month to make a decision. If he's not ready to try then, that's it for us. It's been an emotional couple of days but I feel kind of relieved.

OP I hate to say this but the fact is he doesn't want children with you, and that's the crux of the matter. If you do want children please get out before it's too late. I have two friends who are now mid 40s and have left it too late because they waited for their partners to be ready, but their now exes had children with their new partners within months of getting together.

Great to hear you’ve spoken. Don’t let the month drift. Stand firm - if he still doesn’t know by then, then he’s not for you. Whatever you do, don't sleepwalk into a situation where you're left childless because he blows hot and cold on you until it's too late.

That's awful

Ok ,well it's a bit of an ultimatum and ultimatums don't work. Are you really going to be happy if he comes round to your thinking and wants kids after you give him an ultimatum?
Knowing that he's happy to pacify you with edited truths what's to say he won't do this again but what happens when you fall pregnant and he changes his mind again.

In what way is he freaking out and how long ago did you say you wanted to try?

And the other thing is. And obviously I don't know you or him. It's possible he never did and was telling you what you wanted to hear.

You know you want kids so if he doesn't then you're going to have to split.

Well done on being able to be clear about what you want, and recognising it’s ok to be hurt and feel led on about the changes to his story. I hope his epiphany is he does want children.

Be careful op, he may agree just to pacify you and then become 'stressed' or 'ill' or have 'work stuff' that he'll claim is the problem.
Trust your instincts.
You shouldn't have to go through this, it should be a happy process of two people in love starting a family.
This sounds like hard work and that's before pregnancy and the baby arrives.

Time isn't in your side now op. If you want kids, now is the time to start, not in a years time, or after lockdown, you need to sit down and sort this out with him.

Is there any updates on what happened in the end?

I meant to reply a bit earlier but it has been a difficult year. Buckle up, it’s going to be one eventful update.

Myself and my partner are now married. He proposed about a year after my original post and we tried properly for a baby a few months before our wedding. After a year of trying, we were about to try IVF due to motility issues and lowish egg numbers.

I was then was diagnosed with breast cancer. We got to do IVF after my surgery, but it didn’t work. I was absolutely heart broken.

I had chemotherapy, and it may be that I am infertile due to treatment. I took a drug throughout my treatment to protect my fertility but I may not be able to have kids. We could look at other options like egg donation. Anyhoo, I’ve been told I can’t attempt pregnancy for another 4 1/2 years. I’m just focusing on getting healthy and focused on myself at the moment.

If we have kids, it would be lovely. But if we don’t, we will have a good life. I will get a dog, we will travel, and spoil nieces and nephews.

My husband has been amazing through the whole thing. He took me to every appointment. He held me when I cried. He made me laugh when I was down. He made me feel attractive when I felt anything but. He helped me wash when I couldn’t do it by myself. I love him more than I thought I ever could.

Sorry, I’ve went on a bit. Probably not the update some may have expected.