Please help heads a mess, is this abuse?

[CantDoMore]

I'm a regular, I have name changed.

I don't know if I'm being abused mentally and emotionally, but I feel like I'm breaking now. i feel broken and sad, but numb and sort of resigned.

Been married to DH for 5years, 2 teenagers who are mine, 2 step Dc which are his. Mine live with us.

Soon after we married he started putting me under pressure to move to his home town. I didn't want to, but after 4 years of constant pressure I agreed.

Over this same time I've lost my parents, lost a good job, lost touch with my friends and people I saw regularly. He doesn't like my friends.

I'm an introverted bookworm, and I'm educated whereas he has no qualifications. Everytime I make an application to do my MA he starts an argument about it, so I've given up. He tells me "I hate intellectuals, and your friends think you are odd because they are all thicko"

He organised the wedding, I wasn't allowed any opinion, he was paying, he then got drunk and wouldn't allow me to speak to my family or friends. It was embarrassing.

I had a nervous breakdown last year. I was signed off work. I'm trying to put myself back together, but everything I try he comments negatively. Last week I landed a contract, he tells me "well when you start earning you can have a say" He then lied to me telling me that someone said something they hadn't as a pretext to tell me I'm wasting my time because I haven't got a clue. I just collapsed. I've spent 12 months trying to get better and get the confidence to work, when he tells me I'm useless. This week he has told me I have to ask him before I spend money. He doesn't want the children to have their room decorated with his money.

When I met him I was happy and confident. I was achieving whatever I set out to do. Now I shake, vomit and feel like I'm going to fient if I try to leave the house. I feel like I'm broken and breaking physically too.

He is verbally threatening at times, but I'm not scared, just exhausted with it. I think I just need someone to tell me I'm not over reacting. There is more, as always but the theme is the same.

Sorry if its garbled.

You need to leave with your children. Im sorry Op that is a horrendous way to live

Oh OP, so sorry to hear this. The answer is in your own post. You need to get out of this relationship and rediscover the person you were before. She is still there and you are much stronger than you think you are.

Is this the sort of relationship you want your DC to see and model their own relationships on the future?

I'm sure others will be along soon with more practical advice and experience, but in the meantime, do not let this nasty jerk undermine you any more.

You are absolutely being abused and so are your children. He’s a fucking bastard.
Can you contact Woman’s Aid tomorrow?

Heartbreaking, get in touch with your friends from your old home town. Could/would a y of them put you up temporarily?

He has done such a number on you.

You absolutely are being abused, and in the worst way as it's emotional so very little evidence to back it up with.

Please gather your children and leave him before he destroys you completely. You are stronger than you rwlaaiw and that person you once were is still there inside you.

I was you 7 years ago and if I told anyone now what was happening to me then they wouldn't believe me, and it was worse than I had realised - it was only after I was free that I realised how controlled I was.

You can do this, be kind to yourself x

Yes, it's abuse. Please leave him.

Yes I agree. He is breaking you OP but you can escape. Get out with your kids, do your MA, talk to your friends and family. I've been where you are now and I promise you you are better off escaping

Thank you. The day he lied about what someone said I'd had a bad blip. Earlier in the day I had broken down in tears in the woods. I told him I didn't think I could carry on living like this. Later he took the opportunity to belittle me and demoralised me saying I didn't have a clue what I was doing. He didn't realise I heard his conversation with the other person, so I know what she said. He lied. I think it was then that I realised his behaviour to me is premeditated. I love(d) him and he wants to hurt me.

He once shouted at me in the street. I collected an old chair for me to sit in. I sold my sofa because it was too big for new house. I sold a lot of my stuff. He hoards stuff and spends money behind my back. I got the chair out of the car. He shouted that if it came near the house he would smash it up. I cried. The children including his son brought the chair in while he was shouting at me. My children live in their room, both are planning to leave next year.

If I say anything about myself he turns it to a vieled insult agreeing with me by saying "but I love you" which seems to be a way of telling me I should be grateful because nobody else would.

He won't leave voluntarily. I've tried.

Icanflyhigh I'm glad you got free. Its so subtle isn't it, that you are half broken before you even realise what is happening. I find it hard to explain what is happening.

I'm so sorry OP, you have to leave. Wishing you all the support in the world xxx

That was heartbreaking to read op as he has completely crushed your soul and destroyed your confidence.

Please leave him for yours and your children's safety. Do your teens notice? They need to know that this isn't a safe and respectful relationship.

@CantDoMore

Icanflyhigh I'm glad you got free. Its so subtle isn't it, that you are half broken before you even realise what is happening. I find it hard to explain what is happening.

We can read it and it is a miserable existence! Call your friends and family Distance yourself mentally and pyshically slowly excape his hold

Are you able to contact a women's aid group for some support without him finding out. Start taking small steps towards a new life. Do your MA. So what if he moans. Start planning a new life - the peace when you finally leave an abuser is immense. What's your housing situation

I’m so sorry you’re going through this - it is abuse and it’s a horrible thing to experience, the way it messes with your head and sense of reality.

As well as formal support from Women’s Aid, Get in touch with your friends. Explain what has happened. I guarantee they will understand why you’ve been out of touch and will want to help you get out of there.

Once you feel like you’re not entirely on your own, it might be easier to lever yourself out of his clutches.

Hi op, This is abuse. I'm so sorry. Can you call Women's Aid today? I would start thinking about how to make a plan to get rid of him. But I would absolutely do it without him knowing. Can you speak to a solicitor so that you know what your situation re the house and money etc?

In the meantime 'grey rock' may be a temporary strategy to survive until you get out of there.

I would be doing this quickly because I wouldn't want my children to be chased out of their home by this person.

I would also go ahead and submit your MA application.

Please talk to women's aid. I know it is easier said. It is 100% abuse. He hasn't destroyed you. You're just waiting to be you again. Please start a plan to get out.

Reach out to old friends,they will be there for you. I lost a lot when my ex and I split. But I gained so much more. The relationship you have with your children in future is going to depend on this. What an awful life you must be having, all of you.

I'm not saying this to makes you feel bad. I'm saying picture a time a couple of years from now when you are free, when you can hang out with your kids and watch a movie or order a takeaway and not have a knot in your stomach. When you know when your front door closes, you are safe and at peace. You can get there.

The man you married isn't right. He is breaking the law. It is coercive control and your response is not your fault.

@marthastew

Hi op, This is abuse. I'm so sorry. Can you call Women's Aid today? I would start thinking about how to make a plan to get rid of him. But I would absolutely do it without him knowing. Can you speak to a solicitor so that you know what your situation re the house and money etc?

In the meantime 'grey rock' may be a temporary strategy to survive until you get out of there.

I would be doing this quickly because I wouldn't want my children to be chased out of their home by this person.

I would also go ahead and submit your MA application.

I totally agree with this. Submit your application!

My exh and abuser ended our marriage (did me a huge favour) and changed the locks making me and our son homeless. All this happened just after I applied for my job which was a permanent contract after doing it for years on temp contract. I got the job through bloody mindedness I think. Never looked back.

Just apply. You can always defer if you leave and it's too hard to start in September or whenever it is.

What’s the situation with your home OP? Is it rented? Jointly owned?

This is a terribly abusive marriage OP and it’s never going to improve, you really need to get out, you say your teenagers are planning to move out next year? That says to me they feel uncomfortable and unwelcome in their own home, is that how you want to live? Because once they leave they won’t want to return to visit in a hostile house, and your (I hope soon to be ex husband) will try to destroy your relationship with them too!

Contact women’s aid or one of the DV helplines and get yourself some help to leave, they also offer therapy after you leave to help you regain the strength you have lost through years of abuse, get some legal advice on where you stand too this is very important. But most importantly DO your MA, so you can build a great life for you, the man keeps you down because he embarrassed you’re smarter than him and he doesn’t like it.

Please please please leave him ASAP.

Some good advice on here already. Can you tell us more about your situation? Is your home rented or did you buy it? Whose name is it in. What access to money do you have? Who has all the documents - passports etc. How old are your children - you say they live in their room - are they scared of him? How does he treat them?

Ruminating2020 my boys know, they see it. They don't like him now, they avoid him. He's never shouted at them, but they have overhead him say things like they can sleep on the floor. They don't, they have everything they need except a carpet. Everytime I try to discuss buying a carpet he says we can't afford it. But if I suggest buying paint for another room he agrees. So, it seems he just wants them to feel unwanted here. They are 17 and 20, so not young.

relaxingforme I think this is my plan, but I'm struggling. I thought I was strong enough to pull away and emotionally distance long enough to fix myself. I don't think I can do it though.

StephenBelafonte I am worried that I won't receive any financial support or benefits. I keep trying to hold it together long enough thinking ill escape afterwards, then I feel guilty.

The house is social housing, my tenancy. I gave up a well maintained big 3 bed house that id called home for 15 years. It was the boys home. Now I'm living in a two bed council flat that is a wreck. Its complete refurb job, its disgusting. But its council, and apparently all of this is down to me because I exchanged. I will need to move if I do get him out. I just want to go home

ConfusedNC This made me cry, but thank you so much, I hope I am still 'in there' somewhere.

Pansypotter123 its a joint account. I have access to money. Strangely for a man who is so controlling he doesn't like online banking or being the one paying bills....thats my job. The deal with moving was for him to support me by taking over some life admin, thats the one thing he doesn't control, but probably because to avoid it is him again trying to control me! He just shouts about money, he hasn't a clue what is what.

If it's your sole tenancy I would start the ball rolling with the divorce it's going to be the only way you get him out

You only need a list of unreasonable behaviours and how they make you feel.

"Refusing to buy carpet for my sons bedroom which evidences how he prioritises his social life/needs/wants before basic needs" or similar is one.

Verbal abuse such as ....

Is he named on the tenancy at all are you able to put the house up on the exchange list as it's in your name already?

Can you speak to your sons and tell them what you want to do and ask for their support? 3 of you against one will make him more uncomfortable more quickly tbh.

This man is poison to you

You need to end the relationship & move away

Oh op I'm so sorry youre going through this 😥 you need to start formulating a plan to get rid of him. Do you have family or friends you can talk to? I've saw so many threads on leaving abusive relationships on here, the advice is amazing from everyone and we're all behind you holding your hand until you feel strong enough to stand on your own ❤ you're worth more than this, try and find the old you with the dreams and the confidence op and fight back xxxx

As a pp said. If it's your tenancy then ask him to leave and file for divorce. You'll be eligible for benefits plus an adult learning grant if you study. Why don't you work?