Please help heads a mess, is this abuse?

[CantDoMore]

I'm a regular, I have name changed.

I don't know if I'm being abused mentally and emotionally, but I feel like I'm breaking now. i feel broken and sad, but numb and sort of resigned.

Been married to DH for 5years, 2 teenagers who are mine, 2 step Dc which are his. Mine live with us.

Soon after we married he started putting me under pressure to move to his home town. I didn't want to, but after 4 years of constant pressure I agreed.

Over this same time I've lost my parents, lost a good job, lost touch with my friends and people I saw regularly. He doesn't like my friends.

I'm an introverted bookworm, and I'm educated whereas he has no qualifications. Everytime I make an application to do my MA he starts an argument about it, so I've given up. He tells me "I hate intellectuals, and your friends think you are odd because they are all thicko"

He organised the wedding, I wasn't allowed any opinion, he was paying, he then got drunk and wouldn't allow me to speak to my family or friends. It was embarrassing.

I had a nervous breakdown last year. I was signed off work. I'm trying to put myself back together, but everything I try he comments negatively. Last week I landed a contract, he tells me "well when you start earning you can have a say" He then lied to me telling me that someone said something they hadn't as a pretext to tell me I'm wasting my time because I haven't got a clue. I just collapsed. I've spent 12 months trying to get better and get the confidence to work, when he tells me I'm useless. This week he has told me I have to ask him before I spend money. He doesn't want the children to have their room decorated with his money.

When I met him I was happy and confident. I was achieving whatever I set out to do. Now I shake, vomit and feel like I'm going to fient if I try to leave the house. I feel like I'm broken and breaking physically too.

He is verbally threatening at times, but I'm not scared, just exhausted with it. I think I just need someone to tell me I'm not over reacting. There is more, as always but the theme is the same.

Sorry if its garbled.

It makes it much easier that you don't have dc together. Very controlling, I'm pleased you can see that now.

It is emotional and financial abuse ....no doubt at all. He has worn you down over the years to feeling worthless about your self but you have so much to offer. Having been abused myself I know how difficult it is to make the break but it was the best thing I have ever done. To have your own front door - no feelings of dread when he walks through that door. No negativity. You will re build your life again

I think it was a big step for me to admit I was abused. I remember feeling astonished that was the word that slowly emerged. I still feel grateful to those that helped me see it.

You can search my old threads and then I was ConfusedNoMore.

Let it sink in. Accept it and then take any and all help you can to get out and towards a better life. It is there. You owe it to yourself and your boys to take it.

My personal steps that helped...
Reading.... Lundy Bancroft, freedom programme, Mumsnet, academic papers...loads of stuff to help rationalize.
Counseling. . just doing that for myself was so important. Helped me hugely...and still does.
Friends.... cannot begin to tell you the people who came through for me in many ways big and small. This also has the wonderful effect of helping you realise you are not the unloved person the abuser tries to tell you that you are.
Family...mixed blessing. They helped financially and emotionally but friends were better on the last point.
Doctor...took antidepressants for a time. But stopped when I realised I didn't need them anymore. Do t regret it in the slightest.
Work... Motivation to get on and achieve for myself and distract myself from the shit!
Small things... rediscovering small pleasures and connecting with values that made me remember who I was. Music, walking, baking...all sorts of little things.

You can do this. ...and I hope I don't make you cry again.

@CantDoMore

Icanflyhigh I'm glad you got free. Its so subtle isn't it, that you are half broken before you even realise what is happening. I find it hard to explain what is happening.

I didn't realise how controlled I was until after I was free and its taken a long time to be me again. You can do this though x Please DM if you need extra support or have no one in RL to help you x

What @ConfusedNC said.
Wish you all the best OP, talk to the NCDV, they can get you the relevant orders to get him out and keep him away.
Put in a transfer request and try and move back where you want to be.
If you feel able to confide in your son/sons, they may be able to give you the hope, love and push you need to get over any hurdles. You can do this.

Please see a,lawyer about a divorce
He needs to go

How are things this week@CantDoMore?