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Original poster

Partner has left - 30 weeks pregnant

50 replies

Harmonysg85 · 30/03/2021 08:51

This is really difficult to write. I have never felt so sick I’m my stomach. DP and I have had problems in the past which have all been resolved. Had a wonderful last year following the birth of our baby & him finding employment after difficult stint of unemployment. We both worked really well/hard together and things were great. He became a wonderful dad to DD.

1 year later, I fell pregnant again (this time we were both in shock. I wasn’t on the pill but we were being very careful). It took a while to sink in for both of us but once we got over the surprise were both genuinely happy. Fast forward... the pregnancy has been horrendous. I have had thrush back to back throughout the last 7 months putting an abrupt end to all intimacy. On top of this, I have developed hyper sensitivity & can’t stand to be touched in any form. I’ve also found it impossibly difficult going back to work full time whilst juggling the sale of our house which has involved viewings nearly every weekend & looking after our family.

He has much later finishes than me so I have had to take care of DD morning & night, do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. I have found this shattering and often not handled this well. Plus, he has had to work many weekends which has left me doing a lot of it alone again.

Basically a Rocky few months. My hormones have been all over the place and I know I’m my heart of hearts I have completely pushed him away/been terrible to live with. During the months I was off, I fell naturally into the role of housewife and took care of everything/everyone happily because that was my role and I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was going back to work that was the start of things falling apart.

Lots has happened, but 3 days ago he left. He has just informed me he has sorted paid accommodation for 6 months elsewhere & would like to work through things separately. The baby is due in 9 weeks. I feel sick, utterly sick. Last night I was up all night. It can’t see any light at all and can’t function. I have no-one to talk to. The more our parents get involved the more mine dislike him for what he’s put me through/they dislike me for what I have put him through. It’s thoroughly unproductive. I don’t feel I can share this with anyone at this stage and feel utterly helpless. His mind is firmly made up. I don’t know how I’m going to cope.

OP posts:
Thehawki · 30/03/2021 09:00

Oh gosh this is awful for you. What a terrible time for him to have left. I honestly think you need to stop blaming yourself right now. I was about to suggest couples counselling but you’ve said he’s made his mind up. It does sound like you were doing most of the work anyway so you KNOW you can cope. I promise you will survive this. Has he said what he is going to do to pay towards his children and his fair share of the childcare yet? Make sure you get what you are entitled to, don’t do it all.

I’m really sorry you have this much stress right now, him leaving you at this time seems really cruel. He clearly hasn’t been thinking of your needs properly for a long time if he’s gone and left without even a discussion that he might do it at some point.

GrettaGreen · 30/03/2021 09:06

You will absolutely cope. Circumstances aside there's no excuse for how he went about this. What a dirty, sneaky weasel. I don't know you, but I know you deserve better Flowers

Leigh12x · 30/03/2021 10:39

To leave when you’re at one of the most vulnerable times in your life is absolutely disgusting. You deserve so much better and you can do this alone.

What has he said I’m regards to the baby?

Original poster
Harmonysg85 · 30/03/2021 11:01

He has devised a plan which involves coming around daily for 30 minutes to see his 1 year old and newborn. Enough time to boil the kettle. He is saying he wants to work things out long term and is happy to go to mediation. But I literally do not know how I am going to cope and in the mean time not absolutely resent him for leaving me... now to deal with all of this on my own. I have a 15 year old and am very worried about him in all this. I’m in bits.

OP posts:
RLJ1905 · 30/03/2021 11:12

I'm so sorry, op ❤️ what an extremely difficult time for you.
I can't imagine how hard and heartbreaking that it. Your dp is absolutely awful for bailing when it got tough. A small child, a rough pregnancy - it's going to be a rocky time but he's supposed to stand with you, not walk away from you.

I can totally understand you hesitant to trust him going forward. I know it's a shit time but I would try your utmost to put yourself and your beautiful children first, and put him at the end of your priorities.
You will find a way to cope and deal with this.

MinnieMous3 · 30/03/2021 11:18

He’s booked accommodation for 6 months away from you, with a small child and a newborn on the way? What the fuck is wrong with these men that I keep reading about? Could you dump your family like this OP? Of course not. He’s an absolute loser and inherently selfish. I think you need to plan a future without him, however that looks. Do you have family nearby?

Weenurse · 30/03/2021 11:18

Half an hour a day to disrupt things is not great.
Talk to him about taking the toddler out for a few hours on the weekend instead, so you can have some down time.
He sounds very selfish.

ohfourfoxache · 30/03/2021 11:25

What a tosser Shock

First things first, I would say no to 30 minutes a day. He has made his decision to leave, it is now your decision on what you do. 30 measly fucking minutes a day isn’t good enough, so he should work with what suits you. He doesn’t get to dictate

Dery · 30/03/2021 11:31

30 minutes a day is meaningless. Out of 168 hours in a week, he’s planning to be available to his children for 3.5. Tell him to stick that in his pipe and smoke it. That’s just showing his face so he can somehow kid himself he’s not abandoned his family. You will need a different plan - that can’t possibly work.

FlatteredFool · 30/03/2021 12:02

OP you will no doubt cold fantastically on your own (single mum of three and I've found it easier parenting alone tbh). I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I echo what others have said. Sadly, it wouldn't surprise me if there was someone else on the scene with all the working he's been doing and his quickly he's found somewhere else to live. What a shit Thanks

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 30/03/2021 12:26

So sorry for you OP. This is bloody awful of him. However, as a single mum I can also vouch that you can absolutely do this on your own and will be better off without the man child.

Now you need to take back control, decide what you want and communicate it very matter of factly to your ex.

Tell him his 30 minutes per day is pathetic and outline what you want. Also, lay down the law in terms of his financial obligation to his children.

He’s been an utter bastard so be very cold with him and very business like. You just need the best deal for you and your children moving forwards.

You’ve got this!

mamas12 · 30/03/2021 12:27

Wow how utterly selfish of him
Ok I would deal with the practicalities first
Who can help you around the house
Who can help with food shopping
Who can cook for you
Ask your HV/midwife there will be help there for you
Then think about you and who you need to to support you
If you need your mum there at the birth (because of course as he has decided he’s not going to be hasn’t he) then just ask if she could be kind to you and not insult him too much in front of you as it hurts Too much
Don’t worry about the judging just concentrate on you and let others help you
He is not your friend right now you cannot depend on him which is devastating I know it can be hard to acknowledge that fact but once you do then it will be easier to go forward

Bambam2019 · 30/03/2021 12:34

I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this.
Just echoing what others have said really- 30 minutes a day (no doubt at a time to suit him too) is no good for anyone. If you can, make time to think of what would suit you and the children best and then tell him that is the only option-don’t let him just waltz on it and decide how you’re going to fit in with his needs. God what an arse.

Shelddd · 30/03/2021 12:34

What a horrible person. Even if it's been absolute hell you're pregnant with your/his child and obviously the situation is temporary. Not sure how sane person could leave now. I would question how stable he is. He probably won't be able to handle anything difficult that comes up with your children or either of you.

Working it out i think would have to involve a lot of solo therapy on his part to figure out whatever issue he has.

Woodlandbelle · 30/03/2021 12:41

I woundnt let him in for 30 mins of the day. So you are tied to him and reminded of it all daily. No.
He needs to take the dcs out for a break on a Saturday morning or something. He is a total joke.

Wanderlusto · 30/03/2021 12:49

I'd consider it over.

And I wouldnt be seeing him every day, that would be depressing as hell. Agree with pp about making it a couple of hours at the weekend. Or maybe twice per week.

GNCQ · 30/03/2021 12:52

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giletrouge · 30/03/2021 13:02

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Adultingin2021 · 30/03/2021 13:04

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WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 30/03/2021 13:05

Hold those horses.

HE does not get to 'de use a plan'. Well he can, but YOU don't have to go along with it.

It would be over for me. You are carrying his baby. Yes, you might have been 'hard work/demanding/difficult' but so what? It's a few months, while you were pregnant, back at work, doing the lions share.

HE has behaved incredibly badly, horribly & now he has abandoned you with a baby & heavily pregnant. So much for having each other's backs. I couldn't trust him again.

Decide where YOU want this to go and HOW you want things to be then TELL him.

Decide if he's got DD 50/50 or EOW. or what suits you, but he doesn't get to waltz in to play with DD for an hour a day and not do any meaningful parenting.

He still needs to be paying towards the bills/rent/mortgage/childcare/food etc

I'm sorry he's been such a bastard & abandoned you like this. Wanker.

I am livid on your behalf. I hope his pathetic little ears are burning!

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 30/03/2021 13:05

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Zoinksalot · 30/03/2021 13:07

You've admitted you've been extremely difficult to live with, why should anyone be forced to stay in a home thats toxic and negative?

He's sorted a 6 month plan and whilst he definitely needs to be doing more (30 minutes a day is ridiculous)

In the meantime apply for CM and think through whether you really want to work through this or split permanently

RizzleRazzle · 30/03/2021 13:10

30 minutes a day? Is he having a laugh?

So sorry you're going through this OP, you may have been difficult to live with but you don't abandon someone just before a newborn arrives. Is he really expecting you to care for a one year old and a newborn alone whilst he visits for half an hour a day? I'm gobsmacked

bellissimiaow · 30/03/2021 13:11

Here's an idea for him - why doesn't he stay with the children and you move to the rented property and YOU visit THEM for 30 mins a day, while taking the rest of the time to get some sleep and reassess your life with this absolute loser. No he won't want to do that because he's a selfish pathetic excuse of a man who is willing to leave the mother of his children alone at her most vulnerable while he knows full well that he's copping out big time.

I could never ever forgive him for this, I'd tell him to not bother coming back and I'd be making sure his children know what he did as well when they're old enough.

It won't be easy for you OP but if you've got any help from family or friends I'd take it and go it alone. He is a disgrace.

Pinkpuppets · 30/03/2021 13:16

I'm usually the first one to jump to a woman's defense in these types of situations, but I can see that you've both been having a difficult time and an unplanned pregnancy is harder for some people to cope with than others.

One good thing is that he is showing you that he has provided some sort of stability and is willing to work things out for a better future, although I do agree that 30mins a day isn't going to help anyone, maybe suggest he comes to take your one year old overnight if possible at the weekend and does the bedtime routine to give you a break in the evening?

It is hard but you will get through it and you both just have to figure out what's best for all of you.