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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner has left - 30 weeks pregnant

50 replies

Harmonysg85 · 30/03/2021 08:51

This is really difficult to write. I have never felt so sick I’m my stomach. DP and I have had problems in the past which have all been resolved. Had a wonderful last year following the birth of our baby & him finding employment after difficult stint of unemployment. We both worked really well/hard together and things were great. He became a wonderful dad to DD.

1 year later, I fell pregnant again (this time we were both in shock. I wasn’t on the pill but we were being very careful). It took a while to sink in for both of us but once we got over the surprise were both genuinely happy. Fast forward... the pregnancy has been horrendous. I have had thrush back to back throughout the last 7 months putting an abrupt end to all intimacy. On top of this, I have developed hyper sensitivity & can’t stand to be touched in any form. I’ve also found it impossibly difficult going back to work full time whilst juggling the sale of our house which has involved viewings nearly every weekend & looking after our family.

He has much later finishes than me so I have had to take care of DD morning & night, do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. I have found this shattering and often not handled this well. Plus, he has had to work many weekends which has left me doing a lot of it alone again.

Basically a Rocky few months. My hormones have been all over the place and I know I’m my heart of hearts I have completely pushed him away/been terrible to live with. During the months I was off, I fell naturally into the role of housewife and took care of everything/everyone happily because that was my role and I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was going back to work that was the start of things falling apart.

Lots has happened, but 3 days ago he left. He has just informed me he has sorted paid accommodation for 6 months elsewhere & would like to work through things separately. The baby is due in 9 weeks. I feel sick, utterly sick. Last night I was up all night. It can’t see any light at all and can’t function. I have no-one to talk to. The more our parents get involved the more mine dislike him for what he’s put me through/they dislike me for what I have put him through. It’s thoroughly unproductive. I don’t feel I can share this with anyone at this stage and feel utterly helpless. His mind is firmly made up. I don’t know how I’m going to cope.

OP posts:

SVRT19674 · 30/03/2021 13:16

Well, GNCQ, if he pulled his weight in the same fashion when he was living with her, as he is planning on doing now living apart (30 effing minutes!) no wonder she was difficult to live with, I would have been a total harridan!

Shelddd · 30/03/2021 13:18

@Zoinksalot

You've admitted you've been extremely difficult to live with, why should anyone be forced to stay in a home thats toxic and negative?

He's sorted a 6 month plan and whilst he definitely needs to be doing more (30 minutes a day is ridiculous)

In the meantime apply for CM and think through whether you really want to work through this or split permanently

She's 30 weeks pregnant..

As long as she isn't endangering his life there is no excuse. Its all over in a couple of months and then who knows what will happen, things could get better (could get worse) but point is it's a horrible time to leave and I'd imagine 99.9% of men would at least wait till after the baby to see if things improve... Even if you don't think they will should at least stay till after baby is born to offer support even if marriage is effectively over.

Honeyroar · 30/03/2021 13:21

He sounds like he’s been quietly planning all this for a while. He’s got it all sorted in his head, found somewhere else to live, decided on a few minutes of contract with his children. Happy to leave you with no support or help.

Well now he’s set the ball rolling you kick it in a different direction. Find out how much money he needs to give you. Decide on a weekend afternoon that you want him to take the toddler out to the park for a few hours. Tell him you’ll build that up to overnight stays a couple of nights a week when they’re a little bigger. (you don’t have to even mean this bit, you’re just showing him that he’s not going to get to be Disney dad that pops round for a brew once a day, pats them on the head and tells you how you should do things). Get as much support around you as you can. Make sure your older child has support too.

Becstar90 · 30/03/2021 13:24

Typical. Things get a little bit rough and they leave.

dropthedeadhorse · 30/03/2021 14:03

So he just wants 6 months off? The remainder of your pregnancy and the difficult newborn stage with a 1 year old in tow.

No. Tell him that if he wants to move out that is fine but that is you separated and you will not be taking him back. Start to talk logistics of custody/selling the house etc and then you'll see how serious he is about all of this.

DianaT1969 · 30/03/2021 14:21

Just to echo others. Absolutely do not agree to 30 mins a day. That will disrupt your schedule. Put a pin in his 'single person' fun schedule and tell him to pick up his 1 year old after work every Friday and bring her back on Sunday Eve. Tough luck if he says he needs to work weekends. He has to adapt his work around his children, like you do. Start this week. Have her bag ready. Quality time with her dad will be good for her. You'll get a break and time with your older child.

RantyAnty · 30/03/2021 14:29

So you've been suffering with physical issues during your pregnancy along with working and doing all the housework and childcare, and he decides to fuck off when you need him most. Most likely he's resentful for not being able to get his dick wet.

Then he wants to come around every day just long enough to disrupt your life. Fuck him.

His selfish arse couldn't be bothered to wear a condom and you're the one who suffers.

Instead of talking to you, he sneaks off and rents a place. Most likely found someone else to stick his sad weiner in.

What does he intend to do about the bills of the place you are staying? He can pay CM and take his DC for the weekend at his place.

I'm angry for you.

Mamette · 30/03/2021 14:37

He’s letting you down when you most need support and he’s abandoning your toddler when their little world is just about to be turned upside down with a new sibling. I would cut all contact with him other than to state he can have the toddler every other weekend and one full day per week. Child support will need to be formalised. I would be telling him where to stick his mediation.

GrettaGreen · 30/03/2021 15:06

Even if things have been bad and OP hasn't been at her best you don't just announce fuck you out of the blue and leave someone heavily pregnant with a toddler with no notice or discussion. Terrible behaviour.

AramintaLee · 30/03/2021 15:10

@dropthedeadhorse

So he just wants 6 months off? The remainder of your pregnancy and the difficult newborn stage with a 1 year old in tow.

I was going to comment but this post says absolutely everything I was going to say. Absolutely spot on.

AlexaNeverListens · 30/03/2021 15:31

My DH left two weeks before our second child was born. It was the worst time of my life so you have my heart felt sympathy.

We never got back together and I raised the children on my own but honestly? I couldn't be any happier.

I met someone else who treats the children like his own and we're a very happy family unit.

On the rare occasion I see my ex, I wonder what on earth I ever saw in him.

Good luck 💐

Original poster

Harmonysg85 · 30/03/2021 15:39

Everything is a blur. I have had so much on my plate, (other background medical things too) I have just battled my way through it all and been very resentful of him. I literally don’t know what I want at this stage.. part of me has sight of our better times where he really has been good, but this feels unforgivable. He got so fixated on work I became invisible in the background struggling with everything. Even taking the bins out didn’t happen all the way through my pregnancy. When I say I did it all, I really did. I was willing to work through it, but he wasn’t open to any discussions or help at the time. I do feel bad about the lack of intimacy but it has been completely out of my control. Interestingly there are plenty of threads on here discouraging people to stay/put up with sexless relationships. I guess because it has been so long he maybe started to think this was it now & our relationship had stagnated.

OP posts:

FeckinCat · 30/03/2021 15:41

30 minutes a day? What a prince!

That little arrangement will be of little or no benefit to you. At the very least he needs to be setting up a regular schedule for taking the 1yr-old elsewhere for a fixed period each week and paying towards their living costs.

Original poster

Harmonysg85 · 30/03/2021 15:41

Why would anyone stay in a toxic relationship? I agree no-one should have to. But surely the first step is to get help and set aside time each week to invest in/prioritise the relationship?

OP posts:

Emel1800 · 30/03/2021 15:42

God.

Tell him to make it 2 hours a day. He can do dinner and bedtime?

sanmiguel · 30/03/2021 15:45

I think I'd be calling his bluff and letting him know he needs to sort his plan for having 1 year old 50% of the week and you'll sort contact with the baby on a daily basis. He clearly thinks she's going to go off into a stress free existence in his little bachelor pad and leave you to do the royal share of child rearing. I would be indicating very quickly that you have other ideas (even if the thought of your 1 year old being away from you fills you with dread, call his bluff on this one!)

Lovedove · 30/03/2021 15:52

@sanmiguel

Agree with this

Lovedove · 30/03/2021 15:52

He wants kids without the hassle and living it up as a single man

Sassanacs · 30/03/2021 15:59

Well honestly this all seems to be on his terms and you can chose to go along with it or not. I have my own opinions of him leaving at this stage

PatchworkElmer · 30/03/2021 16:14

Start getting things sorted with regard to child support OP. I agree with others that half an hour a day is pointless- I’d go back with a custody schedule for the 1 year old that you feel comfortable with. I wouldn’t let him back in the family home now- this is your space now, don’t let him force his way in every sodding day.

HastingsIsSuckingDiesel · 30/03/2021 16:15

He has informed you he will be visiting for 30 minutes per day???

You need to tel him that does not work for you as you will be recovering from childbirth and looking after a baby, toddler and teen.

Then tell him what would work for you. Suggest as a bare minimum him taking the toddler out or to his place for decent amounts of time so you can rest. Plus there is practical stuff he can do to support- food shopping etc.

rwalker · 30/03/2021 16:20

Honestly I think the best thing is for him to leave Your not bringing the best out in each other.
You say you've pushed him away and been terrible to live with people can only take so much .

Being separate will take the heat out of the situation .
What you need to work on now managing the kids between you .

nitsandwormsdodger · 30/03/2021 20:00

I'm one year on from similar situation and all has worked itself out it will for you too
On a side note , You had sex with without contraception so not sure why you were shocked By a pregnancy ?

Original poster

Harmonysg85 · 30/03/2021 22:46

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. It is such a help just knowing somebody is listening. I haven’t gone into details but I’m not sure many women could have stayed strong through the incidents I reacted badly to/ got emotional. The main thing that has been lacking has been empathy/respect/any drive to see how certain actions impact me. As this is so general it has affected a hundred things on a regular basis. I think it would be better to recognise this and work through these underlying issues than up and leave 9 weeks before I have his baby!

OP posts:

munchiemunch · 31/03/2021 05:05

Well what a peach he is. 30 mins a day. Wow. The answer is no. He doesn’t get to pick and choose. Tell him you’re consulting a solicitor and child contact will be formalised once you’ve sought advice. Tell him you’ll be expecting him to have the 1yeat old at his new place for 50% of the time. Make him parent alone. That’s the only way these men realise. I honestly think you’re better off without him though

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