How do you leave an emotionally abusive relationship when you will lose everything

[Marriagegoingtoimplode]

Been married to DH for 10 years, problem
Is our DC are not citizens in the current country we are in. If we separate we will need to move back to their home country as DH will refuse to stay where we are. Moving back I will have nobody, not a single relative or friend(they are all DH’s). Fortunately, I speak the language so that’s one thing I don’t have to worry about. I I know he’d push for 50:50 and potentially attempt to use my health against me to attempt full custody. I don’t know the system there well enough to know the probability of that happening. I’d previously tried to seek legal advice but the moment they realised I wasn’t currently in the country I never heard back.
DC are settled here with friends, school etc, should I really be turning everyone’s life upside down over what boils down to unkind words.

@RandomMess the dc who mentioned it was rather measured in their discussion regarding returning home, almost debate like in fashion. We are in the unfortunate position where loved ones are located all over the world so even with a happy marriage there would be no “easy call”. One of the points raised was school subjects offered in particular modern foreign languages.
I’m of the opinion that the overall quality of life would be better where we are at the moment, basics like housing are far more affordable for starters.
I’ve just remembered(a pp pointed this out) I’m going to need to be careful with any overseas calls as they will show up on the phone bill. I might need to get a separate mobile phone to get around things.

But your DC isn't aware of an impending split and living over there with you as single parent in a poorer area etc.

I'm sure you could get language tuition where you are now if required.

You need to not be swayed by measured debates from your DC - in the grand scheme linguistic options for exams is not a consideration. Moving back in their eyes is to the lifestyle and circumstances that you had when previously living there not the different reality that it would be.

I feel guilt at relocating my DC (within UK) I am far more aware of what they possible lost by is moving, although the gained far more. They are far more matter of fact "well we moved so what's the point of thinking about it"

Parental guilt!!!

[quote Marriagegoingtoimplode]@RandomMess the dc who mentioned it was rather measured in their discussion regarding returning home, almost debate like in fashion. We are in the unfortunate position where loved ones are located all over the world so even with a happy marriage there would be no “easy call”. One of the points raised was school subjects offered in particular modern foreign languages.
I’m of the opinion that the overall quality of life would be better where we are at the moment, basics like housing are far more affordable for starters.
I’ve just remembered(a pp pointed this out) I’m going to need to be careful with any overseas calls as they will show up on the phone bill. I might need to get a separate mobile phone to get around things.[/quote]
Use skype to make any international calls (put the app on your phone). Do you have a credit or debit card DH doesn't see statements for? You can top up your account and call most numbers around the world and set to automatic top up so you don't get cut off mid call.

@TheTeenageYears thank you. In amongst the chaos, using Skype didn’t even occur to me.

With him off work at the moment I’ve not been able to make any more progress with plans.
There is all some talk in his office about him needing to transfer back to his old office(in his home country). The only reason he mentioned it was to ask me logistics on flights/travel restrictions etc. When I tried to find out more info I got “shot down”. I also don’t want to make him suspicious if I seem too interested in the plans. I’ve not had the chance to get my ducks in a row.
I’ve also had some news about my health, hoping it might be a blip so the doctor is going to check test results again before deciding on a plan of action. The stress of the whole situation can’t be helping.the whole situation is pretty telling in that I’ve not told DH about my test results , I’m scared he’d use it against to me to restrict my access with the dc.
I just don’t know how he’s going to respond, I feel like I’m walking through a minefield and I don’t know whether or not my next step is safe or not.
The thread started by another mumsnetter about staying until dc leave home has left me feeling so torn. I feel as if I’m dammed if I do and dammed if I don’t.
I would really appreciate a hand hold.

Feeling really scared at the moment. Don’t know who to trust. Feeling rather alone to be honest.

You can do this. Sending you a massive handhold as well.

@Tiger2018 thanks

This is no way to live. Staying until they're grown sounds like it would destroy you. Good legal advice as soon as you can. Are there any good immigrants' advice places near you?

@MrsTerryPratchett I feel like it’s going to destroy me no matter what. Staying with him or sharing custody fill me with dread. So does the very real possibility of DH and mil manipulating the situation so that when the dc are old enough they choose to stay with him. It happened to a dear friend and I just don’t know how I’d survive being without them if that happened. The mother is an incredible person and has only ever tried to look after and protect her dc yet the eldest who is still a child is no contact with mum so I can’t even reassure myself that trying to do the right thing will have a good outcome.

You can do this. Focus on what you can do not what you think he will it won't do. You're giving him all the power but in fact you have plenty of your own, you just need to harness it.

if only I had your faith in me having power. What I do is dependent upon me preempting how he’s going to respond as this will dictate when I tell him. Different outcomes impact my potential safety and financial security. I can’t afford to not take his potential actions into account as the outcome of me not doing so could be devastating.

This whole mess is now infiltrating my dreams. Had a dream which involved me escaping with my baby in my arms and the other dc with me. The area I was in was completely unfamiliar I just kept running.

Had a really nice chat with a dear friend at the weekend. She’s given me a book recommendation to help navigate parenting with DH so I’ve started reading that.
Eldest dc was acting up at the weekend and full of attitude. All learned behaviour from DH sadly. Told them they were responsible for their behaviour.

Am feeling even more overwhelmed, my sleep is being disturbed by weird dreams yet again, this time involving someone I knew in my early teens.
I just feel so bloody stupid for getting sucked in by him. If I look back on our early relationship there’s an example of him not respecting my boundaries but it can easily be explained away as having a bit of fun.
It’s such a lonely existence not being able to have an authentic relationship with the person you committed to spending the rest of your life with.

Hugs