How do you leave an emotionally abusive relationship when you will lose everything

[Marriagegoingtoimplode]

Been married to DH for 10 years, problem
Is our DC are not citizens in the current country we are in. If we separate we will need to move back to their home country as DH will refuse to stay where we are. Moving back I will have nobody, not a single relative or friend(they are all DH’s). Fortunately, I speak the language so that’s one thing I don’t have to worry about. I I know he’d push for 50:50 and potentially attempt to use my health against me to attempt full custody. I don’t know the system there well enough to know the probability of that happening. I’d previously tried to seek legal advice but the moment they realised I wasn’t currently in the country I never heard back.
DC are settled here with friends, school etc, should I really be turning everyone’s life upside down over what boils down to unkind words.

Firstly, keep quiet and don’t say a word. Next, find a solicitor who deals with immigration. Speak to them. You need to file a prohibited steps order. If you can’t find the passports you report them stolen. Get new copies sent to you. Your DH might want to leave but you just say no. He can’t “insist” you do or go anywhere. You have to check how to stop him removing the kids before you split with him though. What country are you in? We can then help you with some research

@munchiemunch thanks for your post and wise words. I really appreciate the offer of help with research, however, I don’t feel comfortable saying where I am or where he’s trying to get me back to in case I’m outed.

Well don't agree to move back whatever he promises. Investigate if you can put a block on their passports if you can't physically find if you think he may "abduct" them.

No agreement to him taking them there to visit family etc.

Basically until you know the exact legal position don't agree to anything.

You can report the passports as lost and request new ones, but be careful because the ones in the UK at least come in envelopes that practically scream, 'Hey! I'm a passport!' and you don't want your husband to see them.

I made a few calls so I’ve got a better idea of options. Something he said at the weekend was my point of no return.
Really struggled earlier not to tell him I couldn’t stand him and wanted to get the hell out of the relationship due to his behaviour. The thing is even if the emotional abuse stopped and he never behaved in an unkind way ever again the damage has already been done. He used to call me crazy and psycho and thinks that’s everything is fine because he doesn't say it any longer. I really should have walked away back then

Well done for making the calls and staying strong. You can do this.

Once contempt sets in, it's done.

have you found the passports 🌸

@WisnaeMe

have you found the passports 🌸

No not yet, I don’t know where he’s put them.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Once contempt sets in, it's done.

@MrsTerryPratchett I’ve sadly come to that realisation and it’s a very bitter pill to swallow This is not how I thought my life would turn out. I feel like a complete failure.

You are at the beginning of a new chapter. You are in a very difficult situation. I haven't had the geography difficulty you are dealing with but I have dealt with an extremely nasty xh. I'd first of all call the police. You will begin to gather your evidence. I'd stay in constant touch with Woman's Aid. I'd be in touch with my Embassy. I wouldn't do anything to alert him to what I was doing. My xh is a terrible man. Don't give him the benefit of the doubt ever. You are getting closer to getting your life back. Also. I believe whoever pays the bill can see everything youve been looking at on the Internet so be aware of what you are doing.

Hi OP I'm in a complex international divorce situation. I'm in the EU and it's a bit simpler now but has been made a nightmare by Brexit.

One thing to look into is the link between the immigration law and the family law. Where I live (not the country of any of us) there have been cases where the family court made one decision and the foreign office equivalent had rules that also needed following. The two basically didn't dovetail and caused further awful problems (think the mother being required to leave the country as she didn't meet visa requirements upon divorce, but the children had to stay as father met visa requirements and refused to let kids leave under Hague convention). This wasn't my situation, but the point is it had never occurred to me to consult an international divorce lawyer and an immigration one until I'd heard those situations.

Also, speak to different lawyers within same speciality to get different opinions. It's not always black and white. You do need ones versed in working with international marriages though.

Thanks everyone for all your guidance and support. He’s been particularly difficult today.
Since the incident last weekend, he’s been going between being sickly sweet and calling me honey, to communicating only with contempt. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on but given I need to communicate with so many people in different countries i can’t play my cards too soon.

Hi OP. I can completely why you're worried. There are sadly many cases of fathers taking children to their own country of birth knowing the legal system there will privilege what the father wants for the children and disadvantage the mother (which will be even worse if you are from a different country). I agree it's essential you get legal advice regarding the specifics here and do not let on what you are thinking. Do not mention their passports or even look for them if he will notice.

@Jobsharenightmare thanks for your post. The whole situation is all very complex and messy. I feel like my life is a game of chess where not only do I not know my opponents next move,I can’t even see where their pieces are.

Heard one of the dc tell DH how much they love him and how he’s the best dad. Stuff like this makes me even more confused.
It all just completely messes with your head. I’ve got no idea how to move forward. He’s off work for the next few weeks so I’m not going to have any time to myself to make calls and investigate how to proceed or indeed which country I’m making plans for(depending upon legal advice)
Im now feeling that the incident I thought was the final straw maybe wasn’t that bad after all. I’m barely sleeping with all the stress and can’t take anything to help me sleep as dc still occasionally need my help during the night. I don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this.

when he is away, use the time to take legal advice. 🌸

@WisnaeMe

when he is away, use the time to take legal advice. 🌸

@WisnaeMe he’s going to be at home 24/7 as he’s not working. Unfortunately, he’s not going anywhere. I wish to god he was

A lawyer in your current country can help with what your options are. If the children's country of birth is one with poor human rights, that may make a difference. If they are able to get citizenship through you that also can make a difference. You're not necessarily trapped- although if he is the children's passports and knows you are thinking of leaving, then he could take them back to their country if birth surely? Legal advice would definitely be an idea to know where you stand.

Usually (not always) the country where you live when you decide to split is the one that divorce law/child arrangements etc. gets decided. DH & I are both British, but live in the US. Even if I left him to return to the UK, because we're living in the US, then US law would apply. None of us are US citizens.

Focus on deciding what you want life to be for you & the kids, taking their best interests as the starting point. Then work things out from there. You don't have to negotiate with everyone - just on your side of the arrangements.

@Marriagegoingtoimplode

sorry OP I understand now 🌸

Past 24 hours have been hell. I think all the stress is taking a physical toll,I’m just utterly exhausted, like can’t function exhausted.

When you question an abuser and they accuse you you of being mean to them, Is this just another tactic/mind game to them or is their reality so distorted that if you dare question anything and don’t just kowtow, that in their eyes you are in fact being mean? I cant believe I’m even asking this.

I've just read your thread, OP, and I'm sorry things are so hard. It must be infuriatingly frustrating to have realised that things are over but be unable to act on anything while he is at home. Have a Google of the "grey rock" technique for dealing with an abuser (basically making yourself very uninteresting, I think). Though, thinking about it, try not to alter your behaviour too much in case he clocks something is up (perhaps grey rock is best when you've actually ended the relationship, but might be useful to read up on now anyway).

Do make sure he cannot access your Mumsnet account or Internet history.

Is it possible for you to visit friends or family at the moment (proximity, COVID?). Might you be able to use those opportunities to make calls etc.?

@Sameoldconstellations thanks for your post. Yes it’s it’s so difficult to simultaneously detach from the situation yet not alert him to anything having changed.

One of the dc threw a bit of a spanner in the work regarding only wanting to live here short term. As good as life is for them here that they do want to return home . I don’t think this is anything that DH has tried to influence as his current role at work is fully supporting his career goals.It poses no advantage to him at the moment, at least while we are still together to up and leave.

How old are the DC, they don't really get a choice. They can return there at 16/18 but do not make a decision on what a child wants as they by default are selfish and likely have rose tinted glasses on.

They may be picking up on tension and unhappiness and thinking how things were good/happy when you lived in X