If your dh was uncertain about children, how are they as a parent?

[Maraudery]

My dh was initially very much on the "no" side of children, but after several years together has begun to talk about what our future children might be like etc, I think (without pushing from me!) Is about to suggest that if its important to me or if the other option is I leave that they would like to try for a baby

I had a discussion with my male friends a while back where there seemed to be a bit of a theme that men were less sure about the idea, but found it easier to picture once it was actually happening

I'm 100% not up for a pity baby or a baby to shut me up. This is very clear to both of us. I don't need advice on the pitfalls of " convincing" or that there is no compromise.

I just genuinely worried how its worked out for those with more uncertain partners?

I'm a man. I was definitely on the NO WAY ARE WE EVER HAVING KIDS end of the spectrum. An opinion I held firm to right until the very moment my (now) wife told me she was pregnant. Road to Damascus moment. Seriously 180 degrees skid turn in my life. I was 41. I spent 17 years as a stay at home dad to my daughter... and the next two kids we had. I loved it. And can't understand why more men don't want to.

My DH wanted no DC. I ended the relationship. He changed his mind. He was a very distant father.

Dh was very much in the couldn't care less camp. Never shown interest, announcing the pregnancy completely took PiL by surprise. He truthfully only agreed to have ds to stay with me (it was an ultimatum "I want children, we do it or break up") I'm not proud, but I don't regret it.

He's an amazing dad, ds is 20 months, he is so hands on, dotes on ds, they're honestly thick as thieves... he also suggested trying for number 2 in February. It was a total about face.

Obviously he has his faults, he's human - doesn't get up with ds (he really struggles to wake up) but as I'm a morning person that's never bothered me.

Overall fatherhood suits him.

I think it's true that they say men don't see themselves having families, until its happening.

Is this not the sorta stuff you should discuss before marriage? If someone tells you they don't want kids and you know you might: then you don't marry them (assuming he was honest with you before marriage).

I know you say you have not pressured him op but if that is the case then the question is, why did you not consider what you would want in future before marrying him? Do your needs not matter?

Also, someone wanting to have kids in order to stop you leaving them is NOT them wanting to have kids. Be real.

You either need to reassure them that you would choose him over hypothetical, non existent children every time. Or you need to admit you made a mistake in marrying him and draw a line under it because actually, you do want kids. If he goes ahead with children now, it's not because he wants them. So have the decency not to encourage him in this insecurity.

I think you are wise to question it. There is often a reason why people feel a certain way about something. DP was adamant he did not want children. I never pressed him. Eventually he convinced himself. I can see with hindsight that's what happened. It has been a big challenge and quite a lonely time for both of us; him on a huge and painful learning curve while wrestling to tame the personality traits he always knew would make fatherhood difficult (impatience, a tendency to catastrophise and anxiety) but which a childfree life was allowing him to manage well. Me struggling with feeling unable to rely on him for support. DP adores DC and has grown to become a really lovely dad with a beautiful relationship with them, but at great occasional cost to his wellbeing. I'm not sure I would have picked him if I had my time again, for his own sake.

Thank you, some really interesting responses.

Its very tricky! Its also made more complicated that for various reasons our trying needs to be a very direct choice as we will need to have fertility help due to certain factors on my side.

When I spoke to male friends (and some female friends!) They sort of spoke of the trying process feeling less daunting as a prospect, and more of a "lets see how it goes" rather than how our process will be.

We are both big over thinkers/ planners so its easy for us to get bogged down in practicalities like what would happen child care wise, rather than have a more laid back approach

My BIL didn't want children until my sister fell pregnant by accident (she has PCOS and only one or two periods a year so it was a big shock). They were both a mix of panicked/excited but he said it was when the midwife handed him the baby that he fell absolutely in love with my niece and couldn't imagine not having a child. He ended up being the one to suggest their second baby a few years later.

I disagree with the the mantra ‘one shouldn’t change other people’s minds’ and ‘once they said they don’t want kids it’s set in stone’.
People change on their own all the time. It’s called life. Sometimes it’s due to maturing, other times just because.
And if the change is because of the person they are with, because on balance it’s more it’s important to the person they love - it’s an OK reason too.
It can happier with a lot of less and more important decisions that couples face. Parenthood is no different a decision than many other biggies - where to live, what house to buy, what job to take.

Thing is about parenting - no one really knows how they would be before they actually have kids. I have seen people who wanted to have kids turn out to be terrible parents. Have seen people really struggling with the relentless demands of it all. And the opposite being true too.
You just don’t know what parent he or you would be until you are one.

So - I’d say, don’t beat yourself up or overanalyse. It’s unnatural to be so 100% sure of anything in life. If he is open to it now - take it as it is.

Mine, who once upon a time said "I'll be ok with one child, but only because it's with you" is now an incredible homeschooling stay-at-home dad to three children ... and we'd like at least one more. He's very likely the exception to the rule, but he has grown into fatherhood in a way that exceeded my highest expectations.

That's not to say we never disagree on issues around the kids, discipline issues, and so on. And it's not to say he never has days when he's frustrated. But he's absolutely bursting with pride that our 5 year old has suddenly sprung into chapter book literacy and fraction math, and that the 3 year old is adding and subtracting and reading simple cvc words. He even gets the baby involved.

I saw something in him at the start of our relationship that made it survive some rocky waters early on. I believed in what we had, even when other people didn't. Now I couldn't imagine life without him and our hilarious ragtag bunch of kids.

DH didn't want DC. We discussed it at great length before we married and then had our first 9 years after we met because I would have left had we not. We now have two DC. He has found it very, very hard. He is good at practical stuff, changing nappies when small, bath times, cooking their dinners. But he's not really emotionally engaged with them, he doesn't play, hug or kiss them. He says that on reflection, whilst he loves them dearly, he was correct in his original thinking that he didn't want DC. It's very sad really.

8 years ago, my boyfriend of 6 months (age 33 at the time and a bachelor for a number of years) literally ran away from the discussion of children in our future and said that he couldn’t see himself having a child. I (age 29) explained that although I didn’t want children right now, I couldn’t picture my life without children. I thought that our relationship was likely over and I was devastated but knew he needed to make that decision for himself. He took himself off for a couple of days to think things through and decided that if it came down to losing me or having a child in the future, he would chose children. He reasoned that we would be a team working through it together.

Fast forward to today- we have been married 5 years and have a 3 year old son who is the biggest joy in both of our lives! From the minute he was born, they were inseparable and my husband is the most amazing father! He supports me with every aspect of caring for our son and does more for him than any father I have ever come across. He just dotes on him.
On reflection he feels he would still have had a lovely life had he not had known what being a father was like e.g fine dining, expensive cars, luxurious holidays and the freedom to do what you want, when you want but he cannot ever imagine not feeling the love you have for your own child.
We have decided between us that our son will be our only as we still want to have the financial freedom to enjoy some of the above hard earned luxuries as a family of 3!

We did not want DC.
About 6 years into our marriage, my DH sat me down in a pub in Launceston and told me he wanted children.
We both slowly came around to the idea.
We now have 2

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. Its interesting that while its often presented as the death of the relationship, that it has been survivable for some of you and there are less themes of resentment than I would have expected

This was my brother, he was adamant he never wanted kids, he was always very arms length uncle to my kids, wouldn’t hold them as babies etc. Then his now wife got pregnant very unexpectedly after a failed contraception, she decided to keep the baby and he was absolutely terrified of becoming a dad, he was supportive to her during the pregnancy, when the day she went into established labour came he was panicking so much. But he is now such an amazing dad and loves his DC more than anything - he doesn’t want anymore though because he found it very hard work! I think it’s honestly a gamble as to wether they come round or not, and that’s the choice you have to make!

My now ExH didn't want children. I fell pregnant and we split, getting back together when our daughter was 6m. Went on to have DS 2 years later. He is distant and hands off parent and is unable to show affection to kids. The only successful emotional relationship he's capable of is with the dog.

I had hoped he'd improve as kids became less dependent on me as mother but he entirely failed to step up

While it's all very well and good reading the happy-ever-after stories here, why don't you ask the children of men who didn't want children what their experience was like?

As one of those, I can tell you it was shit. Just knowing your own father didn't actually want you to exist is horrible. My father put on a good show for 10 years and then basically divorced himself from the position. I've had no contact with him for 30 years, I'm now 52. I still deal with the emotional fallout every day.

I've always said that I'd never have a child with a man who didn't want one. When I was 34 I got pregnant with my then husband - who didn't want children. I had a termination and haven't regretted it for a second. He's never changed his mind and still has no children.

Hoping they will change their minds or step up if oopsed is too much of a gamble.

@Maraudery What's he like when he has to do something he doesn't want to?

Does he generally compromise easily? Is he happy to do things you want to do, even if it doesn't suit him? Where is he on the selfish/giving spectrum?

I'd base his likely behaviour on his previous behaviour, not that of other men. You could be lucky and he could have a complete transformation, but chances are that he won't - so what would you be putting up with then?

If he's generally caring, overall happy to do what needs to be done and pulls his weight easily and without prompting from you, maybe he'll be okay at it, if he's deciding that he'd rather do it than have you be unhappy (rather than you issuing an ultimatum, which rather changes things).

If he's more on the selfish side, he needs a lot of nagging or he's generally not great at doing things he doesn't want to, or he complains a lot, I'd be a lot more cautious.

If you do go ahead, I'd talk about what you'd do about subsequent children. It may be that circumstances dictate that and it doesn't matter, but I've found that tends to be a sticking point where one person is keener than the other. The person who had the child now knows what it's like, and can strongly want another; and the other person feels they've compromised enough with one... I don't think people expect that to be as fraught as it seems to be.

Best of luck, whatever you decide.

I don't think there can ever be a right or wrong answer really.

Just as babies don't come with a manual, neither do parents.

You're as likely to be able to 'predict' what type of baby you'll have as you are about what type of parent you would be. And, of course, as babies and parents 'grow' ,'develop' and 'mature', no-one can predict what their 'future selves' could/ would be like either.

It's all just a bit of a gamble basically, as are almost everything in life.

You can't truly predict what the results of any of life's gambles will be, you just try to make an educated guess, don't you ?

Will this partner truly love me forever? (No way to tell really, until one of you actually dies )
Will this partner make the best husband ? (we all think so before tying the knot, don't we ?)
Will this partner be a good parent ? (we hope so, based on our feelings etc)
Will my baby be smart ? (again, we can hope so, but no guarantees)
Will my baby be like me ? (It's a crap shoot. No-one knows)
Will I have an 'easy' baby ? (no way to tell. You could have a text book baby, or a have nightmare time with colic/ illness/ allergies/ disabilities etc)

Life is just one big gamble. You can only be true to yourself and what's important to you, and allow your partner to do the same.

But, in the end, there's no guaranteed 'happy ending' for anyone. We just make the best with what we've got, and try to find the joy in every day.

@TakeYourFinalPosition
This.

Look very honestly at the character of the man.

A supportive, kind, decent man who happily pulls his weight in the home without being asked is a good indicator of how he might behave with a child.

A selfish, self absorbed, lazy man who doesn't do anything for anyone, who doesn't cook and pull his weight in the home will invariably be an absolute waster.

He will utterly spoil the whole experience until such time you realise life is easier when he is no longer around and separate.

My husband was ambivalent on the subject of children.
We had been together years and time was ticking in my 30's and I thought we might as well try for one.
We were lucky and got pregnant quickly and he was nervous but very supportive.

Having children is a huge change to a couple's life.

They involve work, lack of sleep, worry, stress but enormous love and joy.

Whatever characteristics your partner has will become more apparent.

Don't expect a lazy waster to transform overnight.

It doesn't happen.

[quote billy1966]@TakeYourFinalPosition
This.

Look very honestly at the character of the man.

A supportive, kind, decent man who happily pulls his weight in the home without being asked is a good indicator of how he might behave with a child.

A selfish, self absorbed, lazy man who doesn't do anything for anyone, who doesn't cook and pull his weight in the home will invariably be an absolute waster.

He will utterly spoil the whole experience until such time you realise life is easier when he is no longer around and separate.

My husband was ambivalent on the subject of children.
We had been together years and time was ticking in my 30's and I thought we might as well try for one.
We were lucky and got pregnant quickly and he was nervous but very supportive.

Having children is a huge change to a couple's life.

They involve work, lack of sleep, worry, stress but enormous love and joy.

Whatever characteristics your partner has will become more apparent.

Don't expect a lazy waster to transform overnight.

It doesn't happen.

[/quote]
This.

In my case there was some resentment from dh in the early years as our first child was very full on. He loves the kids dearly but found it difficult to adjust to them taking priority. I would have left if he didn't agree to have children as it was very important to me. Staying and having a family with a reluctant dad has taken its toll on our relationship. As the kids get older it seems like we're getting back on track.

My DH has a daughter from his first marriage - she was born when he was in his early 20s. He says that he never really wanted children but he loved his (now ex) wife and she desperately wanted a child so he agreed to it. He was disappointed when they found out they were having a girl and wasn’t looking forward to the birth. But as soon as he heard his little girl cry he said it was instant love and he has never looked back. His ex left him when DSD was 2 and he’s been an amazing dad to her (single dad with 50/50 custody for 4 years before he met me) and now he is an amazing dad to our kids (who he very much did want).

Both me and my DH were anti kids until we both lost a parent. We decided to try and are incredibly loving and hands-on parents - it's surprised us both really!

DP didn't want them. He was mostly worried he'd be a bad parent as his relationship with his own parents is stressful. I said I definitely wanted them so he agreed in the end to try.

He's the most amazing father ever & so happy and grateful we had kids.

I pressured my DH into it. I left him after 8 years of him fobbing me off. At the start of our relationship he was all serious, I'm only dating you if you are looking for commitment and marriage. We got back together and I got pregnant very quickly, he was uninterested. He has later said that I was right to give him this ultimatum.

We didn't find out the sex with our first, but the baby was a boy. He was unhelpful when he was born and they still don't have much of a relationship. He has been a bit better with our second child a girl, but not amazing. He's more confident with her. It's very frustrating and he expects the DC to adore him despite not putting in any effort, playing with them very much or even listening to them without looking at his phone. I have spoken to him about it many times, but I really don't know what he is thinking. Then he'll say let's have another baby. I don't get it. I don't know whether it's a control thing, maybe he thinks if I go and get a full time job again I'll leave him? It's very hard because my Dc are very bonded to me, and as lovely as that is there are times you need a break or to do something with just one, so need some backup. They don't want Daddy, and Daddy gets all sulky and says "see they don't like me." They are actually fine on the few times I've left him with them alone, but I imagine he just put on the TV.

Anyway what I'm saying is it's hard work, and if the other person isn't fully onboard then it's very frustrating.