If your dh was uncertain about children, how are they as a parent?

[Maraudery]

My dh was initially very much on the "no" side of children, but after several years together has begun to talk about what our future children might be like etc, I think (without pushing from me!) Is about to suggest that if its important to me or if the other option is I leave that they would like to try for a baby

I had a discussion with my male friends a while back where there seemed to be a bit of a theme that men were less sure about the idea, but found it easier to picture once it was actually happening

I'm 100% not up for a pity baby or a baby to shut me up. This is very clear to both of us. I don't need advice on the pitfalls of " convincing" or that there is no compromise.

I just genuinely worried how its worked out for those with more uncertain partners?

@timewilltellsontrushit

That's very difficult. My biggest concern is more having children with someone who may resent me, or at worst resent the children

Thank you all for your honesty

@Maraudery many of my friends it's been the making of their DH. I've known SAHDs, very soppy adoring Dad's. But especially on MN we hear of many people who spilt and the men don't ever bother to see their kids. You just don't know until you get there.

I was going to say that more intelligent men seem more involved with their Kids as they understand it's importance ( My DH is a tradesman, but very lacking in common sense,.) But I can think of a few families that disprove my theory straight away, maybe it's upbringing, views on sexism? My MIL for example thinks it's fine for my DH to leave all parenting to me , despite her continuing her career the whole time through having 5 kids. As it goes her 4 boys are all the same, one never sees his child. Her only girl, has chosen not to have kids.

Not ideal. I used to stare wistfully at blokes with their babies or toddlers.... Knowing that my partner her dad just didn't do that 🙄 it hurt and made me bitter.
God it was so lonely and hard. We were together too ☹️🙄
However, he handled night waking better than me as I'm horrid at night.
Be prepared to feel alone. It's worse if their friends are as little involved in their kids. So check that out discreetly.
Peer pressure can be good as well as bad.
Tbh I didn't want kids either but as the female you can't just run away (although I wanted to).
I wish I'd had her with my ex.

My dad didn’t want kids. From what I’ve heard my mum basically gave him an ultimatum and he agreed to have kids in order to keep her. He’s a good man and a good dad in a lot of ways, I know he loves us but he was always (and still is) emotionally distant. Didn’t do cuddles really and I can’t think of one time he’s told me he’s loves me. I know he does but he can’t say it. Our relationship has always felt a bit awkward and I distinctly remember as a child feeling like he’d rather I wasn’t there. I think he did resent my presence a bit. As an adult he’s been a good dad in terms of practical help but again no emotional support and we don’t hug, say we love each other etc. I’ve always been jealous of girls and women who have those dads that dote on them and show love. That has been missing for me. My dh wanted kids and is a great dad, showers them with love and affection. I’m glad that my kids have got that rather than a distant father.

All that said, I don’t think he regrets having us but I don’t think he was emotionally equipped to be a father really, because of his own upbringing.

On our first date in my early 20s I told DH I didn’t want kids, before we got married in late 20s I told him I didn’t want kids & he chose me.

Early 30s I changed my mind & we couldn’t have kids.

Early 40s in a shock to everyone (including us) we had a baby.

It has strengthened our relationship (he is the most amazing dad) and we are very happy.

My husband said he always thought he would have kids, but was never really broody or bothered about the idea unless he met someone he fell in love with. When we met I already had 3 kids and I fell pregnant weeks into the relationship and we now have a child together. He is a brilliant dad and treats them all as his own.

[quote billy1966]@TakeYourFinalPosition
This.

Look very honestly at the character of the man.

A supportive, kind, decent man who happily pulls his weight in the home without being asked is a good indicator of how he might behave with a child.

A selfish, self absorbed, lazy man who doesn't do anything for anyone, who doesn't cook and pull his weight in the home will invariably be an absolute waster.

He will utterly spoil the whole experience until such time you realise life is easier when he is no longer around and separate.

My husband was ambivalent on the subject of children.
We had been together years and time was ticking in my 30's and I thought we might as well try for one.
We were lucky and got pregnant quickly and he was nervous but very supportive.

Having children is a huge change to a couple's life.

They involve work, lack of sleep, worry, stress but enormous love and joy.

Whatever characteristics your partner has will become more apparent.

Don't expect a lazy waster to transform overnight.

It doesn't happen.

[/quote]
I agree with this too.

And I wanted to add that we also had a discussion about the possibility of a child with special needs or complex health conditions since we both work in this field.

It just feels such a gamble! Equally I can't imagine not being together

Just re-read these. Thank you for all your responses

As a man, I honestly didnt want children, then my wife got pregnant, best thing that she ever did. My son is the apple of my eye.

We has a surprise baby long before we were ready! DH was stressed out of his box, wasnt sure if he ever wanted kids, etc etc. He was nervous throughout the pregnancy that he would not enjoy being a dad and wouldn't be any good. The second DD arrived he was besotted with her and has continued to be an amazing parent to her every day for the last 8.5 years. He couldnt believe the strength of his love and is similarly loving towards DS who came soon after. I think he surprised himself a lot.

Its really interesting to hear positive stories. The narrative i always hear is that woman convinced man into it, man was awful dad and resented her so they split or alternatively woman didn't convince man, the man leaves and has children with a younger woman

Reverted back to an old username for this as it's quite personal.

I told DH very early on in our relationship that marriage and children was non-negotiable for me, so if they weren't something they saw in his future then I wouldn't continue seeing him. He told me he could see marrying and having kids "one day".

Nonetheless I had to push - hard - for both. I know he's glad he married me but I honestly think he'd have been happier without the kids. I don't doubt he loves them, and he's a "good dad" in the sense that he pitches in and does his bit, but he doesn't seem to enjoy their company all that much, and doesn't miss them when they're not around.

My mum is always keen to have them overnight, and he's always keen to send them - as a result they spend half of most weekends at their grandma's so he can "have a break", even though he works long days and doesn't see them much in the week. I miss them terribly and resent feeling that I'm sharing custody with my mum.

To be frank I'd rather have the kids and lose the husband.

Dh wanted kids but wanted to wait a few more years. We were in a good place financially but he wanted to be even more stable. I hit 30 and felt I didn’t want to wait. He agreed but up until the moment dc1 was born he wasn’t fully convinced.

He’s the best dad ever, from the moment he saw her. Our dc are truly so lucky to have such a hands-on, doting dad.

Mine initially wanted dc but changed his mind when I got pregnant (bit bloody late.) We separated by the time dd was 4. Over 10 years on he is a dreadful father and has very little contact with dd.

Slightly the other way around here in that I didn’t particularly want children but DH did. We had DS but unfortunately it seemed DH was more into the kudos of being a dad rather than the reality. Everything fell to me and it did cause massive resentment to the point where we are no longer together.

My friend and her husband split up after she insisted on their last baby.

My husband was never bothered about having children and only really did it as I wanted them.
He's not a very emotional person and before we had our first was worried he may never be able to love a child.

Well he is the most incredible father and is crazy in love with them both. They're very much daddy's girls and adore the bones of him.
I honestly couldn't have dreamed he would be this amazing with children.

@BeStrongAndCourageous

Thank you for being so honest.

Its really tricky because no one knows what they'd be like as a parent really. There's no telling if I might not be a great mum and able to take on most of the heavy lifting etc

As you can see from the diversity of responses, there is no rule here. I personally think the closest you'll get to a predicting factor is what @TakeYourFinalPosition mentions - if yiur husband is selfish and inconsiderate before children, that won't change after children.

From my experience as a man, I would have been happy not to get married or have children, whereas my wife was keen on both. I am now very glad I made the decision to have children. I see kids as being like a dishwasher - before you get one it's impossible to imagine what a vital role they play in your life, and you can't even imaginr how you got through life without one.

We’ve had twins after a battle with infertility.

My husband might not have gone the distance to even get pregnant if he hasn’t been committed to the idea; taking me for surgeries, HSG, scans etc, supporting me through physical and emotional trauma and then going on to inject me every night in our ivf cycles. Not to mention wanking in a cup with a busy waiting room just outside the door 😂

Facing infertility as a couple needs you both on the same page and willing to traverse hell and high water together for your goal

Even then. We both spent the first few weeks completely shell shocked. Feelings of “omg we’ve ruined our lives” “this is impossible” can happen even when you fought for your very much loved dc

My experience becoming a parent has made me realise that I would never recommend it to anyone who wasn’t already sure x

It's such a gamble.
I personally would want to bring a child into the world that had 2 loving and engaged parents - and therefore would be looking signs of a good father through the way they were a good partner to me.
I wouldn't get pregnant if I was unsure what sort of father the man was unless I truly believed I could be a good enough parent for both of us (assuming I would end up a single mum)

It seems really obvious reading these replies that the men that changed their minds and became happy to be dads all had these two things in common:

(1) They really loved the women they were with. These weren't casual relationships or "settling". In several cases they knew that having children was more important to the woman than this particular relationship; and they accepted this because they really, really loved her.

(2) Choosing to have a child was always the father's choice, without pressure. They made, themselves, unilaterally, the choice to have child, with this woman. No deceit or "oops" moments. The choice and acceptance to have a family was made in full knowledge by the dad.