Partner pushed me out of bed

[magentaroom]

I've been with my partner for 14 years. This is the first time anything like this has happened.

In the middle of the night he turned over in bed to hug me. He said I smell a little of cat pee (we have an old cat who sometimes pees the floor, I try to clean everything best I can, get carpets cleaned etc but I guess the smell sticks). He turns back around. Few minutes later he asks for a hug, I say no I'm paranoid now you said I smell. He says get out the bed. I don't. Another few minutes later he asks again for a hug, I say no again, not til smell rectified. He keeps telling me to get out of the bed, if I won't do what he says get out the bed, I keep saying no I've no other duvets in the house within easy reach. He says he doesn't care if I sleep in the street.

He kept pushing me and it hurt. After a few minutes I got up and slept on the couch with a jacket covering me. Today I have finger bruises on my upper arm where he kept pushing me.

Just in shock.

Why not get Him to clean up the smell? He sounds deeply unpleasant .

@Bluetrews25

Was hug = sex? Refuse hug = refuse sex = get out?

Yeah that's what I thought. On one hand it sounds like odd behaviour, on the other it sounds like he's escalating.

@YoniAndGuy

Firstly you need to draw a big boundary here and scare the crap out of him.

Sit him down

Show him the bruises.

Then tell him you have an appointment with a domestic violence service tomorrow, to make a report about him and discuss your options.

Let him say whatever he wants but then come back with - 'I don't care one bit what you thought it was or what you're saying you didn't do. Bruises speak a lot louder than your words. I've no idea how this will pan out but be assured that I'll be reporting this, getting what happened last night documented as a first incident, and if you so much as lay one finger on me again, I'll be calling the police directly. You do not touch me, ever again.'

This, except don't lie. Get an appointment to see someone to advise about DV incidents.

@YoniAndGuy

Firstly you need to draw a big boundary here and scare the crap out of him.

Sit him down

Show him the bruises.

Then tell him you have an appointment with a domestic violence service tomorrow, to make a report about him and discuss your options.

Let him say whatever he wants but then come back with - 'I don't care one bit what you thought it was or what you're saying you didn't do. Bruises speak a lot louder than your words. I've no idea how this will pan out but be assured that I'll be reporting this, getting what happened last night documented as a first incident, and if you so much as lay one finger on me again, I'll be calling the police directly. You do not touch me, ever again.'

Please don't do this.

Never tell an abusive man that you're talking to anybody about them, ever.

I'm talking from bitter experience btw.

This is so strange. Have you discussed it at all?

When you say horrible in other ways what do you mean? I don’t believe this is the first instance of abuse, just the first time he’s got physical. Normal men don’t do this out of nowhere

Show him the bruises.... take your next move depending on how he responds. Sorry I can’t help. But hugs for you.

You should have told your partner to get out of bed, with all this strange behaviour in your bedroom,unless he has form for being nasty to you when angry about something. Only you knows about his personality traits, good or bad, so only you will know about how you wan't to deal with his bad moods and behaviour etc.

He didn't mean it as a trying on for sex I don't think. Maybe. But not definitely. We'd had sex two days before.

I sent him an email of the bruising as he went to work.

Yes he doesn't care. Is trying to wiggle out of any blame.

Yes he doesn't care. Is trying to wiggle out of any blame.

OP there is your answer. You're in an abusive relationship that's just turned physically abusive. Time to leave. I don't say that lightly.

Bastard if he thought u or sheet or room smell cat wee it should have been him sleeping on the sofa.
Hope he on it tonight.
But seriously you need to think if time to give the heave ho as there red flags.

He bruised you. He had physical harmed you.

Why not get Him to clean up the smell? He sounds deeply unpleasant .

I agree. Why are you bending over backwards on the domestic sphere?

Never tell an abusive man that you're talking to anybody about them, ever.

True. I was almost chocked to death when I told my "boyfriend" at the time I was leaving....

I think he's just your bf and you don't live together? Perhaps your bed does smell of cat piss which would annoy me too? NO EXCUSE for him assaulting you however. Your bed I presume? Or were you in his house and smelled like cats pee? It can't be nice having to have a relationship with someone who stinks? Him causing bruising is not ok. This relationship is not working out.

Cats piss is an horrific smell which would make anyone recoil in horror. 14 years in though?

[quote magentaroom]@Pleaseaddcaffine I photographed the bruising. I don't know what I want to do. Or who to speak to.

@ismiseeire Yes I wonder too. I think he maybe felt bad for saying it. I'm embarrassed that I smell like cat pee.. I've called to get the carpets cleaned again and I'm going to use fabric conditioner and dry clothes outside as much as possible.[/quote]
Put a cup of white vinegar in your rinse wash and it will neutralise the cat pee smell.

Do this with a spray bottle 10% white vinegar, spray it, let it soak, then blot it. Otherwise the cat may continue to pee there over and over again. Do this with all accidents or close doors where your cat usually pees.

On the relationship front, did you talk to him about it the next morning, if so what do he say? What was his attitude? Was he sorry?

[quote magentaroom]@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants Only thing which has changed is one of his parents is ill and due major surgery v soon.

@ny20005 Yes, he basically said I should've got out the bed when he said. . Not sure he completely remembers everything but he did remember the cat pee comment and he knew why I was on the couch in the morning.[/quote]
He's an arsehole. There are no excuses for his behaviour. LTB. I know you're in shock, it creeps up on you suddenly, all those little nastiness you let go ignoring him because of course he doesn't mean it really. And then the physical abuse starts. There's always a first time, this was it.

All the people saying it's about cat's pee, it isn't. Ok fine he didn't want to cuddle her because he thought she smelled of cat's pee. Let's assume it's true. He then asked her to cuddle him! Cat's pee suddenly not an issue?! Then uses it as an insult because she won't cuddle him. Then forces her out of bed. It's got absolutely nothing to do with cats pee.

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants

Has anything else in your lives changed? New baby? New job?

Do you feel scared of him now?

This is irrelevant. There are no reasonable justifications for behaving like this. The reasons don't matter, the behaviour does.

Being scared is no indication of right versus wrong either unfortunately. If OP has been trained via psychological abuse to tolerate the intolerable she won't necessarily feel scared. Even though she should.

For fucks sake op does not smell of cat pee. Jesus Christ.

@Regularsizedrudy

For fucks sake op does not smell of cat pee. Jesus Christ.

And you know that how?

@ismiseeire

I think he's just your bf and you don't live together? Perhaps your bed does smell of cat piss which would annoy me too? NO EXCUSE for him assaulting you however. Your bed I presume? Or were you in his house and smelled like cats pee? It can't be nice having to have a relationship with someone who stinks? Him causing bruising is not ok. This relationship is not working out.

OP said 'we have an old cat' so I'm not getting why you don't think they live together as that's not what I'm getting from her post.

OP he's an arsehole and he's trying to wriggle out of physically hurting you. Time for a serious think about your future

The cats pee is irrelevant, he should not of pushed you or laid his hands on you let alone bruised you.
If he asked you to get out of bed and you said no his option was to get his own arse out of the bed not push you.

[quote magentaroom]@MazekeenSmith He can (sometimes) be horrible in other ways. But never physically. Never in 14 years.[/quote]
well he is physically horrible now.

so that has changed. You need to think about whether you can live like this. It won't get better. He crossed a line and nothing happened. that line is going to be crossed even more so in the future.

As pp said - time for a serious think. Do you want to live with a man who leaves bruises on you when you don't do the unreasonable thing he demands?