What to do about unwanted gift

[ididntwantthisgift]

I am probably being unfair here and so I’d really appreciate outside perspectives.

DH has a hobby (sorry - one of those.) I do not share his interest in said hobby but I’ve done it from time to time in the past as a sort of means to an end - the difference between running for a bus and running marathons if you like.

A year ago he bought an expensive item for this hobby. I don’t know the first thing about them but made enthusiastic noises to be polite.

He has now bought me one. And I REALLY don’t want it!

We have a 3 month old baby. I get absolutely no break from him at all. Maybe an hour in the morning before DH starts work (he wfh.)

Yet now DH has taken time at lunch to do this hobby with me. So I’m annoyed about that as in early days with ds I really did need help but couldn’t prise him from laptop. But also it means that any baby free time I do get I’ll have to spend doing something I don’t enjoy rather than something I like and am interested in.

But by not speaking up, you allowing him to dictate your time. It's not even that you are rejecting the gift. I understand politely accepting gifts. It's that you think you are obligated to PRETEND to enjoy playing this gift every week forever.

That's why people are surprised. That implies that you have no real honesty in your marriage at all.

He is supposed to be your equal op. Not your df... You can organise your own hobbies and spare time. It isn't putting you on the road to divorce by saying so.

Fake a break-in perhaps? That way you could sell it on the sly.

I think you need to say, "Husband, this is your hobby. At the moment I'm so overwhelmed by Baby that when I get a minute's peace all I want to do is to have a bath/read a book/go for a walk on my own. It was lovely of you to buy me this expensive gift, but it's not something I want at this point. And to be honest, the biggest gift you could give me right now is some time when you look after the baby and when I can decompress."

Guys I’ve got it - thanks.

I think the OP is getting a hard time.

I don't think she was trying to be defensive, she's just absolutely knackered, and needs help, and is struggling to articulate herself through the fog of exhaustion and frustration.

OP, I'm with you, I wouldn't tell my husband that he's having the baby 6-8pm. I would talk to him about it 'I need time too. Please can we work out a schedule so that we both get some free time. I'm struggling, I need your help. And I'm sorry but I don't have time to do X hobby but I really appreciate the effort.

I promise that it feels worse to anticipate the conversation than to have it.

See all these people faking incredulity and saying they can’t imagine ... you aren’t making me feel good!

I don't think they are faking incredulity. They are trying to show you how marriage can be very different, can be better. It is not good or healthy that you think you cannot have simple honest conversations about your own needs. That you feel you can't tell him to take the baby for a two hours in the evening to have a rest. That you feel you will have to do what he wants you to when you are tired and want to do something else.

If people saying that doesn't make you feel good then don't shoot the messenger. Its more helpful to reflect on why you are like this, if it is really serving you and how things could change to better serve you. Because you do matter.

You seem like you already have heard and rejected the idea of being open with your DH. Is this something people generally bring up around you?

It just seems like you are almost scoffing at the idea of having an open conversation and almost seem to view us with contempt that we are suggesting it.

I'm genuinely not criticizing but genuinely interested. What do you think is strange about what we are suggesting.

An ex of mine once damaged a present I'd bought, claiming it had just happened, an excuse never to use it. I would have been very happy and not at all hurt to return it instead.

OP, you're knackered and fed up and I don't blame you.

Having a new baby, a husband glued to his laptop, and then a hobby you don't want dumped on you - and 'erstwhile friends' talking about you - well, that's no fun.

You need to find your own way, your words, to tell him that you would like the gift to be sent back, and that you are very, very tired and fed up, and that you need some break time of your own choosing. It's ok to make suggestions. He's not your boss.

If it’s fairly expensive I’d be telling him soon so he can either get a refund or a decent price for it on eBay. He’s more likely to resent something pricey gathering dust than being told that you want to use your time for something else.

I don’t know your DH, obviously, but one thing I can’t stand is people not telling me something that may have an impact on me. In this case, the impact on him will be at the point you get so resentful (of him crashing your spare time) that you snap and give him both barrels. Much better to have a calm conversation now, whilst it’s merely irritating!

@BigPyjamas

You have to tell him, unless you plan to keep pretending.

' DH, thank you so much for the gift, it's really kind of you.

At the moment I don't have much free time and so it's really precious to me. Whilst it's lovely that you'd like us to do X hobby together, I'm just not quite ready yet, with our tiny newborn being so young and demanding.

I'd absolutely love it if you could spend some of your hobby time on our little one. Then I could get a break and it would make a huge difference to how I was feeling. Thank you.

Yes, this.

You don't have to use this gift if you don't wan't to.and don't feel guilty about it, I would have thought, that a Husband,who knows you well,would have known what things you like and don't like regarding hobbies etc.

You've taken my comments a little too literally. A conversation with my husband about what needed to change would not be quite as blunt as typing up 2 sentences on here. But, yes, I would absolutely tell him that he needed to take the baby between 18:00 and 20:00 if that was the best fit for all our needs and wants (baby's included).
But it would also be part of a larger discussion, including why I'd come to that conclusion, why it had to be those times, taking everything into account etc.

I would also of course take on board his feedback and opinions and we'd work it out.

I feel your pain. I too was bought something large, expensive and related to his hobby about 18 months ago. It sits gathering dust.