What to do about unwanted gift

[ididntwantthisgift]

I am probably being unfair here and so I’d really appreciate outside perspectives.

DH has a hobby (sorry - one of those.) I do not share his interest in said hobby but I’ve done it from time to time in the past as a sort of means to an end - the difference between running for a bus and running marathons if you like.

A year ago he bought an expensive item for this hobby. I don’t know the first thing about them but made enthusiastic noises to be polite.

He has now bought me one. And I REALLY don’t want it!

We have a 3 month old baby. I get absolutely no break from him at all. Maybe an hour in the morning before DH starts work (he wfh.)

Yet now DH has taken time at lunch to do this hobby with me. So I’m annoyed about that as in early days with ds I really did need help but couldn’t prise him from laptop. But also it means that any baby free time I do get I’ll have to spend doing something I don’t enjoy rather than something I like and am interested in.

How about: now I've tried it a bit more, it's really not for me, and can we sell the equipment?
My needs have changed and when I'm having a break from the baby I'd rather be doing XYZ.
And I will be having a break and doing XYZ every evening between 18:00 - 20:00, and all day on Saturday because that's when you're on baby duty.

I'm not sure why you're getting so annoyed with people on here.

Tell your DH thanks, but you don't want the thing. You're allowed to not want it. You're also allowed to ask for what you really want instead.

You've likened it to giving a dog to someone, so is it something that has to have attention? Rather than say something like a bike which would come to no harm if you didn't use it?

I guess I'm asking if 'the thing' needs you or if you'd just feel bad not using it?

Does anyone actually speak to your partner like that though?

@Hotcuppatea

I'm not sure why you're getting so annoyed with people on here.

Tell your DH thanks, but you don't want the thing. You're allowed to not want it. You're also allowed to ask for what you really want instead.

I’m not. I asked people who read the post and didn’t understand it not to comment saying that because if they don’t understand it I haven’t got time to break it down (sorry.)

@ididntwantthisgift

Does anyone actually speak to your partner like that though?

Of course I do. Adults are allowed to have needs and wants and to express them.

Just tell him. The alternative is that you keep hold of your resentment and he won't know what's going on, just that you're upset about something.

Yes, I do. We've been together over 25 years and just tend to get straight to the point now. It saves a lot of time and anguish on both sides.

If someone told me I was having the baby 6-8 pm I’d think they were really rude and I would honestly rethink my relationship with them.

I guess I’m different.

He may not deserve this for all I know, but just to speak up a little bit for your DH in case he's in the "trying but misguided" bracket:

If you made enthusiastic noises to be polite, is it possible he has just taken you at face value and thinks he's doing a nice thing? If it's something that you can do together it's also potentially quite a nice thing that he wants you to do it together rather than just buggering off on his own to do his hobby.

None of that means that you shouldn't tell him you'd rather not - definitely don't use your precious free time doing something you don't want to! - but if you think he may actually be 'reaching out' to you through this, perhaps that will soften some of your annoyance and make it a gentler conversation with him? If he's keen to spend time with you doing something he enjoys, can you think of any alternatives you would enjoy doing with him?

By talk to their partner like that, do you mean actual express real opinions, fears and concerns with your intimate life partner rather than make polite noises in an empty distant shell of a partnership, then yes, I talk to him like that.

Is he abusive?

Are you not allowed to dislike things?

I think he does saved and that’s fair. I was feeling really annoyed about it earlier but this was unfair of me.

Slight derail but the Xmas before I moved out (he didn't actually believe I would) we had agreed no gifts.. He did buy me a top of the range car sound system.. I got him, as agreed nowt!! He was fuming!! Ha ha ha.
He kept ranting about not even boxers and socks off the dc!!

No here but I wouldn’t appreciate someone speaking to me like that. Telling me ‘you are doing this at this time.’ I think that’s awful to be honest.

If you think it's rude to be even the slightest bit open or honest with him, you really are setting up him and your marriage to fail.

I asked people who read the post and didn’t understand it not to comment saying that because if they don’t understand it I haven’t got time to break it down (sorry.)

That poster wasn't saying they didn't understand your post but that they didn't understand why you don't tell your H you don't want the gift. Its a reasonable question. Its not at all clear why you don't tell him this. As others have said, all this could probably be cleared up with a conversation. Is there a reason why you are don't want to tell him. How does he react if you tell him you don't like something he has done or he wants you to do? Is there something going on here?

This is your husband, not some distant friend of relative. Can't you talk to him?

@hereyehearye

If you think it's rude to be even the slightest bit open or honest with him, you really are setting up him and your marriage to fail.

100%

Ime he is grooming you to accept the hobby and thus accepting he will be doing it whenever it damm well suits him..

Pulling his weight with his own child is not helping. It's sad you cannot be honest with him because it's really the only logical way forward.

It's hard to know what advice you are actually asking for OP. It's clear you're pissed off about the gift and lots of PP have suggested you are honest with him but this seems to make you angry. There are lots of women here that do literally that (myself included). It doesn't have to be rude or confrontational.

'Thanks DP for thinking of me but honestly I'm actually totally exhausted right now. PFB is so much harder than I thought and what I would really relish is some time to bath/read a book/sleep because I'm feeling somewhat spent right now'.

It doesn't have to be about the thing he bought you. It's about expressing your needs and how you're feeling right now. Partners struggle in their own way when babies come along. They don't know how to help sometimes or what to do for the best. If you don't communicate how does that change?

Talk to him. Tell him how you're feeling. Ask him to have the baby more. And get some rest and respite. Babies are a shock to the system.

“Hello husband, thank you for the the peloton bike, but I didn’t want it as I don’t like cycling. Please could you return it/sell it”

It's your husband! Talk to him.

Well I came on here to be supportive but quite frankly I think you're unhappy and not willing to do anything about the problem.
I can't imagine a relationship where a dp can't be honest about disliking a gift or a hobby.

Just tell him. Sorry but I'm too knackered to do the secret hobby and I just want to chill when I have some baby free time.

See all these people faking incredulity and saying they can’t imagine ... you aren’t making me feel good!

I appreciate the advice from bigpyjamas especially.