My mum is so negative

[CA0310]

I am really struggling. My Mum is now in her early 70's, and lives alone. She is so incredibly negative and passive aggressive. Every time I see her the first thing she does is start on about various ailments but will only seek medical attention if I am the one who books it and goes along so she has no choice but to face the issue. Its as though she needs these ailments to hide behind. There will always be a reason why she cannot achieve anything - oh I am pre diabetic, asthmatic, my leg is swollen, I am deaf (she is partially). My Nan died 3 years ago and Mum still goes to a bereavement group - simply because she will get attention and sympathy there and that's what she craves. We went to a funeral last week and my Mum turned up with a crutch and walking slowly, and spent the entire time telling everyone about her problems, and what needed doing at her home, and was very brisk with another Aunt who talked to someone else after my Mum "oh are you ignoring me now". Every time I speak to her, there are multiple issues at her home, and for many many years I have sorted tradespeople, insurance claims, got her better deals on her bills etc but every single time there is an issue, the gardener cut too much off the plants, the builder used tiles she didn't like. Any chores I do for her, days out I take her on, holidays I bring her on are critisised to her friends, who I often bump into and who berate me despite me planning wonderful experiences and trips, she will always find the negative. We spend so much time looking after her, but it is never enough - Christmas she lied to people that she had spent it alone (I only found out when I found a xmas dinner in her fridge that someone had cooked). Thoroughout the pandemic we have had lovely restaurant meals delivered to her, sent gifts, done shopping etc. Every conversation is littered with "oh well this is broken" or "I need to sort this" which means that I am to sort it, but I am getting so tired as there is then always something wrong with what is done for her. She is really affecting me, I get so stressed when I see her. I had a lot of cancer treatment, and even then everything had to be turned around to focus on her - one of her friends called me shouting that I hadn't arranged counselling for my mum. Is there is ever a problem with myself or my daughter, Mum will twist it to get sympathy for herself but not actually help. I feel trapped.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this

I would start with a frank conversation about how dreadful she makes you feel.

It sounds like you are doing far too much for her and need to draw a line.

As for the friend who said about counselling - why does your mum need counselling?

For context, I have an 82 year old widowed mum. She is lovely but I have found I have to be careful because if I give an inch etc...

Has she always been like this? Or is it a recent change? The reason I ask is my grandmother started acting like this (very self-centred, lying about things such as birthdays and presents etc) and it turned out that she was having TIAs and had the start of vascular dementia.
You'd have a conversation with her and you could say oh my friend died and she would reply with well what about me? I'm ill don't you know! It was exhausting.

Thank you - yes she has always been like it, so critical of everyone and everything but I think it has reached a head as twice I have tackled her about it (the coward's way, by sending a long message) and then stepped away from her - she will never reply to the message, and when I eventually do get back in contact I then have a longer to do list of jobs she hasn't done for herself/passive aggressive comments in public about help she's needed. I think I may be struggling now as 15 months ago I split up with my partner and now I feel very alone dealing with her, when I first met him he'd say oh she's sweet, I don't know what you mean she is X or Y ....and by the end, when every job he did for her was then bad mouthed behind his back, or he listened more carefully and heard the sob stories she was telling people - he was really shocked and sympathetic to me. I help her out financially, have set her up computers to try and enable her to help herself etc. For example, Christmas - was working her birthday 2 days before but rushed down with a beautiful afternoon tea I had ordered from an artisan place - then xmas day gave her a lovely day, personalised presents, loads of food, day after, went down and gave her a massage, got her shopping etc - then found out she had badmouthed everything to her friends, that she had felt rushed, the tea hadn't been handmade by us, we'd only popped in. Why can't she ever say that she enjoyed something. Another time, took her on a beautiful holiday to italy, Aftewards found out the only things she had told anyone were there was a lot of steps to the pool (she doesn't swim, she didn't go to it!!), and that it had been a long walk from the parking to the accomodation (we'd carried her bags!!) and we'd insisted on posh places to eat (she will never make a suggestion or research anything so I do lots of prep to try and finally find somewhere she might not be able to critisise!)

The friend said my mum should have had counselling arranged by me as I had cancer, and she was struggling with it

Mine was a lot like this and she got far worse when she got dementia. It was awful.

She won’t change. The only way to make your life better is to have much less contact and do much less for her. She’ll moan about you, but she does already while you bend over backwards for her, and at least you’d have a bit of peace, more time for yourself and wouldn’t be spending so much time listening to her complaining.

The guilt is just overwhelming isn't it, I have tried to make her happy for so long and I've equally stepped away, hoping she will take some responsibility and do things for herself, but she didn't and then it became my fault that things had fallen apart - her phone had broken, she had stuffed bills under the sofa etc. She can be so rude to people, but they still just think oh poor her. I'll have her friends message me to check she is ok as she hasn't contacted them in months - she does when they are useful or listening to her tales of woe. Her neighbours are fantastic, always doing jobs for her, but behind their back, she moans constantly about jobs theyve done for her. She will say she hasn't seen them for weeks and then trip herself her by mentioning something they have done for her an hour or so later. She will say, well I could lie here for months and no one would know when in fact we check in on her multiple times a day. It isn't dementia, she is sharp as a tack, it is jealousy and loneliness. She will literally meet strangers in a queue and within seconds wanting to strike up a conversation to tell them about her ailments and the fact she cared for her Mum (she didn't carers and I did - but even at Nans funeral, everything had to be centred around my Mum - the speech thanking her, friends who had never met Nan at the wake to "support her) etc

She’s unpleasant to you, about you and tells lies to other people. I cannot understand why you have not ceased contact years ago. If you can’t bring yourself to truly cut her off, then restrict your contact to texts every couple of days to check on her well being.

Feeling guilty is crazy. She’s horrible to you.

Do you have siblings, or is there nobody else to share the burden?

Ok I'm in a situation like you.Just step back for your own sake.
My dm was left alone when df died 3 yrs ago
Hospice nurses offered support she rudely rejected any.
My dh helped her loads when he could as we both felt sorry for her.Time went by she expected trips to the shops and garden centre And garden bits doing.She then wisely got a gardener or three as they never did a good job or came on time the list goes on.
First lockdown we picked up shopping even though she previously shopped online so she always had food.
When I returned to work she got a grand daughter running a weeks shop.
Everything I do is never good enough.The final straw is telling me my dh didn't fix her shed roof quick enough and she had to get a man in.On and on criticism.
Today she told me about a 60 k job at my dbro workplace. How you can get somewhere if you try. I went to college and work really damn hard in profession that doesn't pay well.She knows this.
You have my sympathy but seriously don't tie yourself in knots for your dm.

I have a brother but he sees her once a year or so, and plays no part in helping really - he just thinks this is "older people" and struggles with her more because of her thinly veiled racism etc (wouldn't go to the dentist for 4 years as apparently she didn't understand them with their accents) etc

My MIL is like this. I've scaled back my visits significantly. She does my head in and I don't want to argue with her so it's best to avoid her where possible.

@tiktok

She’s unpleasant to you, about you and tells lies to other people. I cannot understand why you have not ceased contact years ago. If you can’t bring yourself to truly cut her off, then restrict your contact to texts every couple of days to check on her well being.

Feeling guilty is crazy. She’s horrible to you.

This

It sounds like she has full capacity. Let her get on. She's no value to anyone.

It's so strange - everything has to be about her - I did all the organising for my Nan's funeral, and in my address was going to thank my Nan's carer - Mum had me remove that part as her whole image was cultivated around being a victim of having to look after her Mother. 3 years on I have just got Nan's gravestone engraved as my Mum never bothered, but still it's the first thing she tells people, "oh of course I have struggled after I have just lost my Mum" - literally the first thing Mum said when I told her Nan had died was - oh my god I am now an orphan. My Nan was 94 and Mum was 70 at the time.My Uncle was recently dying, and rather than my Mum wantingto see how she could help, she would message her friends to gain sympathy. I made her call him in hospital as she hadn't (blamed the tech) and she actually had a list of things to talk at him about, her ailments, while the poor man could only grunt, and she went through her list of things she wanted attention about - who literally writes that down to remember to say to a dying person?

Ok, OP....why do you want to stay in touch with her? I’m at a loss to work out why!

I would further reduce all interactions with her because it’s really not possible to have a relationship with someone this disordered of thinking.

Do read and post on the well we took you to Stately Homes thread on these pages. Many of the respondents on there have such mothers and your mother could well be a narcissist in terms of personality. They amongst other things like making everything all about them. It’s not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.

And do you think your mother feels any guilt for how you have been treated, no not a bit of it.

Your brother has removed himself from her direct sphere of influence and you need to do the same. The only people who tend to also bother with people like your mother are the ones who’ve had the special training ie the now adult children.

Examine more why you feel guilty, it really is a useless emotion when it is for someone like your mother. Have a read more about fear, obligation and guilt and look at the Out of the Fog website as well as daughters of narcissistic mothers.

I think I just feel so incredibly guilty - and because I worry about family and mutual friends will say - they all feel sorry for her without knowing what she says about them and how she badmouths anything they do. Although it won't give her access to what we are doing, which will be a big plus as she uses anything I tell her and twists it - so for example if I am doing well at work she will tell people she is having to look after my daughter and is so busy, which is a lie. I think I just wanted to sort of feel like I had "permission" to walk away, to have people say this isn't normal, this is toxic rather than saying its normal or to just cut her some slack

This is indeed toxic and if you want permission (which is really not necessary) then you can have mine to walk away from her.

Start telling people the truth re your mother, some may not believe or want to believe you though and may say such like you only have one mum etc. Ignore these flying monkeys with their own agendas, they are not interested in hearing your side of things. Those that mind do not matter and those that matter do not mind. I am sure that one or two people have their own private based suspicions re her.

Keep your child well away from her too.

@CA0310

I think I just feel so incredibly guilty - and because I worry about family and mutual friends will say - they all feel sorry for her without knowing what she says about them and how she badmouths anything they do. Although it won't give her access to what we are doing, which will be a big plus as she uses anything I tell her and twists it - so for example if I am doing well at work she will tell people she is having to look after my daughter and is so busy, which is a lie. I think I just wanted to sort of feel like I had "permission" to walk away, to have people say this isn't normal, this is toxic rather than saying its normal or to just cut her some slack

I think you'll find people will have some idea what she's like

If not, then channel my late father who used to say "let the dogs bark".

This is indeed toxic, and she sounds like a narcissist to me. Look up FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and also maybe read some of the Stately Homes threads on here, it could be an eye-opener for you. All the best

I'm a homecarer for the elderly and a lot of this seems to be age related. It's so fucking tedious. I smile and say hello how are you and all i get is "i've got this, this aches, that aches" blah blah blah fucking blah. Of course In real life i smile and sympathise but inside i'm just thinking "shut the fuck up you self absorbed selfish cunt - try asking me how I am just for once"

Yeah it definately gets worse with ageing.

This could be my mother. My father has been gravely ill for the last few months...I can’t quite describe it and it seems odd to say but she almost seems to be enjoying it and revelling in the sympathy she has been getting. I strongly suspect she has been telling people she hasn’t been getting any support and she is sneaky in what she tells people. If you send a message in the family group chat aimed at her she replies privately. She is also another who has excuse after excuse for why she can’t better her situation, and yet never ceases to stop being negative. I find that the less contact I have the more sane I am....start putting some distance in and I hope it gets better for you.

Your mother is a Narcissist I'm afraid. It will not change and will get worse if anything. I have a few in my family, you have my sympathy.

I looked up FOG.Thank you for that insight.
It's taken me until my 50s to realise this.!

No advice but late MIL was similar. Ridiculous lies like she hasn’t seen a human being for weeks (had seen people every single day). Would make up lies to make DH come visit (we lived 4 hours away). BIL lived around the corner but DH listened to her complaints and moaning so she wanted him.
The hardest bit is the efforts made to make her happy, which never worked. Organising special trips, expensive presents, in fact they seemed to make her worse. I would say he prioritised her over me and DC for quite a long time and years after her death is still sad that she wasn’t happy and blamed himself.
You need to step back. You can’t make her happy. Honestly I think you will give her something to complain about which might please her.