My mum is so negative

[CA0310]

I am really struggling. My Mum is now in her early 70's, and lives alone. She is so incredibly negative and passive aggressive. Every time I see her the first thing she does is start on about various ailments but will only seek medical attention if I am the one who books it and goes along so she has no choice but to face the issue. Its as though she needs these ailments to hide behind. There will always be a reason why she cannot achieve anything - oh I am pre diabetic, asthmatic, my leg is swollen, I am deaf (she is partially). My Nan died 3 years ago and Mum still goes to a bereavement group - simply because she will get attention and sympathy there and that's what she craves. We went to a funeral last week and my Mum turned up with a crutch and walking slowly, and spent the entire time telling everyone about her problems, and what needed doing at her home, and was very brisk with another Aunt who talked to someone else after my Mum "oh are you ignoring me now". Every time I speak to her, there are multiple issues at her home, and for many many years I have sorted tradespeople, insurance claims, got her better deals on her bills etc but every single time there is an issue, the gardener cut too much off the plants, the builder used tiles she didn't like. Any chores I do for her, days out I take her on, holidays I bring her on are critisised to her friends, who I often bump into and who berate me despite me planning wonderful experiences and trips, she will always find the negative. We spend so much time looking after her, but it is never enough - Christmas she lied to people that she had spent it alone (I only found out when I found a xmas dinner in her fridge that someone had cooked). Thoroughout the pandemic we have had lovely restaurant meals delivered to her, sent gifts, done shopping etc. Every conversation is littered with "oh well this is broken" or "I need to sort this" which means that I am to sort it, but I am getting so tired as there is then always something wrong with what is done for her. She is really affecting me, I get so stressed when I see her. I had a lot of cancer treatment, and even then everything had to be turned around to focus on her - one of her friends called me shouting that I hadn't arranged counselling for my mum. Is there is ever a problem with myself or my daughter, Mum will twist it to get sympathy for herself but not actually help. I feel trapped.

Just to add. Someone on here used the term ‘ martyr syndrome’ which totally made sense to me.

As a PP said, I think it's an age related thing. My DF (early 80s) was seriously ill a few years ago and now whenever I ring he immediately launches into a litany of, "Ooh, I'm not sleeping well, I get breathless very easily." No concern about me. I'm a secondary school teacher and was trying to explain to him recently how terrifying it had been teaching classrooms full of maskless teenagers in the autumn term with Death stalking the land. He reflected for all of two seconds and replied with, "I've got some really good stuff for cleaning the oven shelves with."

Mine is like this so you have my sympathy. She is the ultimate joy sucker. Nothing you can do. It’s gets worse as they get older too!

Step back, step way way back.

I couldn’t be dealing with that, why would you choose to be around someone who purposely makes your life harder? That’s just insane!

My mother was the same from when I was a child.
Eventually, she was so awful to my own children one day, that I stopped contact. She just got some one else to do everything for her.

She wrote me out of her will, which contained a final rant against me.
Which did not surprise me, one jot, but shocked her surviving relatives.

You won't ever be loved and appreciated. You sound such a lovely person, it's ok to say that you have had enough of it all. I'm sure she will manage.

Oshkikundu,sorry to hear this.I can imagine my dm doing this as she has previously said I couldn't go to her funeral if I didn't go to my grandmas hundreds of miles away!!
I was in my 40s and was debating going as the dc had had 2 weeks off for Xmas then snow days and the journey would ve meant an overnight stay.
The funniest thing is is was dfs dm who she hated all her life.I cried the whole way home and I never cry.My dm can fly into a rage when not listened to.
To the posters who say why do we help these parents I guess we don't know any better and there is A sense of duty.
I would never want to think of any older person lonely or hungry.
My dm did tell me my dbro had a job going at his work place for 60k.
She knows I am currently on furlough and don't get a fraction of that going on about working hard.
I do.i have for 38 years. She hasn't worked.

The more you give, the more she demands. You will never please her and nothing you do will ever be enough.

Stop trying.

You need to find your way out of the FOG and start putting your own mental health first.

Limit what you do for her and limit contact. Eg. maybe see her once a fortnight for an afternoon, and only do what is manageable within that afternoon. Phone her once a week and cut it short if she gets on at you.

If she's negative, say "sorry you feel that way" and change subject or end the conversation. Don't hang about to be moaned at or criticised.

If she genuinely needs support, then get in touch with adult social care and Age UK.

@CA0310

You said:

"I think I just feel so incredibly guilty - and because I worry about family and mutual friends will say - they all feel sorry for her without knowing what she says about them and how she badmouths anything they do."

I recognise this. I could have said exactly the same about concealing the truth about my father's violence towards our family.

I felt such a responsibility to keep the 'secret' from everybody, until the day I realised that I was actually concealing the truth. Once I started to admit what he had done rather than hide it, a huge burden was lifted, and the guilt went.

The truth is that your mother is not the person she appears in front of others, and instead of admitting that to them, you are choosing to carry the burden of concealing it.

It takes courage to say, 'actually, things aren't quite what you think', and then answer honestly when you're asked to explain. I too believe that your mother will not have managed to hoodwink as many people as you suppose.

Whatever you decide to do about contact, speak your truth. It's said that truth will set us free - let it.

I’ve just looked this up and this is absolutely her!

Joy sucker is such an appropriate term

OP,

Unbelievable that you would accept this treatment for so long.

I just can't imagine caring about her or what her awful friends think.

I think you need to copy your brother.

Back away from your mother and leave her to her awful friends.

The stress of having such an awful person in your life.

I did all the organising for my Nan's funeral, and in my address was going to thank my Nan's carer - Mum had me remove that part as her whole image was cultivated around being a victim of having to look after her Mother

This part just made me weep. I can't believe she has you trained so well that you would do this .

Step back. The other people - whose opinion you seem to value so much - most likely know what she is like anyway. Why ruin your life in order to make a few people approve of you ? They likely feel sorry for you since they know what she is like and can see you bending over backwards for her.

It is an age-related thing BUT the tendency has to be there beforehand. Age just magnifies personality traits.

Also when someone is widowed we often as children (grown-up children!) “see” them for the first time. Previously their anti-social behaviours would have been masked by their spouse, or they would have moaned to them, whereas when they are alone they re-direct onto their dcs.

Your DM could be my aunt - an emotional vampire who is disappointed by everything in her life and i suspect chronically depressed (although she has no self awareness and is very disparaging of other family members with health struggles). She doesn't have the capacity to make herself happy and I cant do that for her! She moans about everyone behind their back (and about me, even after i'd helped her downsize house, organise carers and cleaners and do her weekly shopping). Nothing was ever right - there was always some tiny thing that was wrong which was made into a huge drama.
She's now in a nursing home as dementia was finally diagnosed and I cracked - enough was enough. The poor carers have to listen to her moaning but i get a weekly max 20 min zoom call and a HUGE weight has been lifted off my shoulders because someone else is dealing with her day to day needs.
I think you need to step back to retain your own sanity and happiness

Age just makes narcissistic people worse as the authority figures that they have feared die off. Its really not at all possible to have any sort of relationship with someone this disordered of thinking.

I would read about NPD with regards to your aunt and see how much of that relates to your experiences with her.

Another vote for familiarising yourself with the Stately Homes threads, and some of the resources and books that are signposted on them. The situation sounds toxic and dysfunctional. The only thing that you can change is your own approach to it, you will never change your mum. Focus on making it better for you, not pleasing your mum, you can not win on her terms ever. Stop playing by her rules and reframe this to what you want it to be like for you.

You could literally be talking about my mother.

A more miserable and negative person you would be unlikely to meet. It's so draining. That's why we are NC now.

I so wish it was different but it's hard to change that kind of mindset. All you can do is change how you react (or don't react) to it...

Why don’t you just block those annoying friends of hers who call to berate you? No need to listen to that crap 2nd hand. Every time one of them calls you put them on your blocklist you owe nothing to these randoms.

@Comtesse

Why don’t you just block those annoying friends of hers who call to berate you? No need to listen to that crap 2nd hand. Every time one of them calls you put them on your blocklist you owe nothing to these randoms.

This ^.

Get rid of the flying monkeys.

@IrmaFayLear that's a good point. My mum isn't around any more to absorb the impact of my DF's endless mithering. He has turned into his own dad at this age.

(In case anyone was wondering, he isn't really breathless. His ill-health, now fully resolved, has turned him into a dreadful hypochondriac.)

My my is the queen of passive aggressive and the empress of following spiteful comments with a tinkly laugh.

I used to pull her up on the unkind, judgemental and/or factually incorrect things she said but it meant all we did was disagree and it drained me. Now I try to ignore her bitchiness. It quite often leads to some very long silences but I am no longer drawn into her negativity.

Meat, scallops, rubber gloves, cereal bars for dad. And a surprise dessert for Easter

Dads gone to play golf.

Sorry, ignore last two messages. I meant to text my Sister