Male friend's constant messages stressing me out

[Rae34]

I've been friends with guy for 5 or 6 years. Initially I thought there might be some romantic interest on his part but he never made any romantic effort plus I soon realised I didnt like him that way. Friendship it was!

I usually only see him once or twice a year but over lockdown he has sent me endless streams of long messages. In the last one, I had mentioned the stress of having to deal with bullying in an org I am part of lately and he used this as an excuse to try and offload about this one time when he was bullied. That was a montho ago & I havent replied since.

Before lockdown I enjoyed his company and catching up a couple of times a year. But this morning he has messaged me again! So now I have multiple essays in my inbox.

The truth is I am starting to feel a bit stalked - I know that is too strong a word to use but I don't really know how to handle it when I want to keep him as a friend I see now and then because he is good company in person

What time is he sending these essays? Could he be drunk?

He's probably really lonely what with lockdowns and everything. It's driving people a bit nuts.

It's ok for you to feel the way you do but maybe have a bit of sympathy for now? Just reply with "sorry the volume of your messages is a bit much for me right now let's chat when it's safe to meet up" or something

Maybe just call for a chat? Easier than replying in writing

I don't think he is drunk. The messages are very coherent!

I agree he must be lonely. But I still dont think that is an excuse to relentlessly message when I havent replied?

It is putting me off seeing him again although i realise lockdown have affected people. That thing about the bullying annoyed me because i know he sometimes offloads to female friends a bit too much - some men seem to expect women to be available so they can do this.

You've been friend 5 or 6 years and you don't like him messaging you??? Perhaps you need to re evaluate your friendship status. Perhaps he thinks hes doing the right thing, by not just giving up on you. There's loads of posts about women doing effectively the same thing.
Your last sentence was a puzzler though. Friends offload on friends, gender has nothing to do with it.
He seems like he's just trying to be there for you but you honestly sound like you don't want him there. Don't ghost him, just be honest but I actually don't think he's done anything wrong

So it was ok for you to offload to him about your bullying but then you don't want to listen to him?

Hmmm - sounds very selfish to me,

Have I read this wrong or has he messaged you a month ago, then messaged you this morning? Or have there been other messages in between? If through former then this isn't stalking behaviour.

I'm not sure what I think

But in terms of the essays, I had a friend who sent text essays, it baffled me till I found out she was sending them from her computer.

Try politely saying "I haven't got time to read these"? My cousin was sending me essays as he's so lonely in lockdown.

@Psuedoshoes

Have I read this wrong or has he messaged you a month ago, then messaged you this morning? Or have there been other messages in between? If through former then this isn't stalking behaviour.

Oh yes, it does read like that

Definitely not stalking.

I'm not being bullied - I explained I was dealing with a bullying situation which had been stressful for me (hence not having the time or emotional bandwidth to keep replying to him atm). His response was that 'this one time years ago, I was bullied. Maybe we can talk about it?'.

@Psuedoshoes he sent me 6 back to back messages (each about 15 lines long) and another this morning. He has done this more and more during lockdown even when I dont reply. If I dont reply after a couple of weeks he tries again. At one point he asked why I always take so long

I'm a bit surprised at the reactions here. I personally dont think this volume of continued contact is normal. I'm actually feeling a bit upset by it.

Also in the messages he almost always wants something. He wants to talk about himself or he will send me unsolicited work he has done recently and wants my feedback on. He does this a lot.

I dont dislike him but his behaviour is making me uncomfortable and I need to find a way to approach it without losing the entire friendship.

I think your initial post wasn't very clear.

But also - only you can assert your boundaries. Tell him to calm down on the messaging. You don't need our validation to do that.

You might lose the friendship but he sounds very selfish and self absorbed so is it a loss?

Your initial post wasn't clear, apologies. If the volume of texts is so high then of course this isn't acceptable

My gut instinct is telling me something isnt right and I generally think it should be listened to. @AcornAutumn I realise it wasn't very clear reading back.

In person he complains if i want to leave after 3 or 4 hours of catching up. He wants to spend a whole afternoon or day with me & I always have to say no. I think he is very lonely & he is younger than me with much less responsibilities on his time.

I still like him in smaller doses and we do have a nice time. We also move in similar circles so burning bridges is not a great idea.

Time to end the friendship, OP. His terms are too demanding for you and you're not coping. I had a friend like this. We were friends for about 20 years, but in the last 3-5, his demanding/intensive side (with high expectations) really came to the fore (whereas it had always been a sort of 'white noise' aspect of who he was, which I could handle for many years previously). Anyway, he wrote me a few ranty messages because I had the audacity to get the stomach flu, rendering me unable to go to some free music listening gig (you would listen to the records of this band at listening stations inside a bar- so it wasn't even live music!) that he'd bowed out of, yet he expected me to go alone because he got me the (free) ticket through work. Anyway, I was too sick. And he sent his ranty messages then never spoke to me again. Good riddance. I'm surprised by how much I don't miss home and don't think of him after all of those years of friendship. Sad, I know. But I probably needed to call time on the friendship ages ago. Anyway, I sound like him! Turning this into a 'me' thing. But there are similarities here and if I were you, I'd really put this friendship to bed. Sadly, it's not working for you.

I still like him in smaller doses and we do have a nice time. We also move in similar circles so burning bridges is not a great idea.

Ah, just read your update. Yeah, it's too tricky if you are moving in similar circles. You can't just end the friendship. But you can set boundaries (that will give him the hump, but he'll get past it). Everything's on his terms at the moment.

So he sends you an essay every few weeks, so what? I hate texting and this wouldn't even bother me. Stalking? Hahahaha wtf. Sorry op...but clearly you do not view this man as a friend.

The content of his messages may be a different story. Perhaps he is a self centred bore. But...ignoring him for weeks, offloading your problems on him but not being willing to reciprocate and calling the dude a stalker online...you'd win prizes in the shit friend Olympics op.

Friendships are mutual. If he is taking too much when really you only view him as an acquaintance then it might be time to walk away. But you cant have your cake and...well, be a dick to it.

What time does he send the messages? They sound like morose "woe is me" drinking texts. They would sound coherent, if someone has a tolerance for booze and is used to drinking a lot. If they're late night, that's what I'd be thinking. Doesn't excuse it at all by the way, but might explain the volume of them.

'Woah! Too many messages!!! No time to respond now. I'll get back to you at the end of the week'.
Repeat.

@StrudelSoup the messages come either at night or early evening usually.

He is living with his family at the moment so I think it really unlikely he is drinking heavily around them - but cant rule it out obviously!

He has been quite unlucky in love which comes up a lot. He gets into all these online relationships which dont resemble the real world & never work out. I've spent hours listening to the fallout from these & the more there are the harder I find them to take seriously as a person who had real heartbreaks in real relationships.

The truth is I only want to be an 'occasional' friend. Happy to be an occasional shoulder. But not able to fulfil whatever role he needs from me. He is a decent guy but yes I am struggling with it.

I’m confused, how often is he actually messaging you? Yes I know he’s sending you multiple messages in one go but I can’t seem to actually understand how often it is?

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with sending multiple messages in one go though, myself and pretty much all of my friends tend to send multiple messages in one go.

@ChronicallyCurious I agree, I have friends I do this with too - but this is on another level. If you saw the messages you would see what I mean.

The messages only stop when I stop replying. I think he'd be happy to talk to me or less every day otherwise. I get the impression he is putting up with my lack of replies but then cant resist messaging again if I havent replied yet. I am also starting to suspect he has more than feelings of friendship towards me....maybe this is what is bothering me?

You could just reply back something like 'I'm not really sure I'm the person to advise you. Mate, I think I should be blunt - i'm the acquaintancey, occasional party group friend. Not the long texts and emotional support kind. Hint hint nudge nudge wink wink'.

Sure its being a dick but better than dragging him along and getting driven nuts.

What's stopping you telling him you're overwhelmed by the length and amount of his messages, and haven't really got the time to be reading his or anybody else's essays about themselves?

If you put it a bit more gently than that but get the message across, and he's a friend worth having, he'll respect what you say. If he has a tantrum or something, do you really want him as a friend anyway?

What is it about telling him how you feel that you're scared of? Is it that he'll find out how you feel..?

@Eckhart he is a very sensitive and quite emotional person, so I think I will need to choose my words carefully.

Obviously you are right, I need to face this head on. Yes, afraid he'll find out how I feel and go the opposite way, never contacting me again. And getting upset!

But I think we all have to be reasonable about the levels of contact we think we and others can cope with at the moment. I would want this level of contact during normal times anyway.