Male friend's constant messages stressing me out

[Rae34]

I've been friends with guy for 5 or 6 years. Initially I thought there might be some romantic interest on his part but he never made any romantic effort plus I soon realised I didnt like him that way. Friendship it was!

I usually only see him once or twice a year but over lockdown he has sent me endless streams of long messages. In the last one, I had mentioned the stress of having to deal with bullying in an org I am part of lately and he used this as an excuse to try and offload about this one time when he was bullied. That was a montho ago & I havent replied since.

Before lockdown I enjoyed his company and catching up a couple of times a year. But this morning he has messaged me again! So now I have multiple essays in my inbox.

The truth is I am starting to feel a bit stalked - I know that is too strong a word to use but I don't really know how to handle it when I want to keep him as a friend I see now and then because he is good company in person

@Rae34 he brought it back to himself!

Rolling my eyes, in sympathy with you!!

Just tell him you don’t have the energy or inclination to do all of this emotional labour for him as you have your own busy and full life to contend with.

Men will take the piss if you let them, particularly those self-labelled “nice guys”.

Tell him you're going through some stuff right now and you'll be in touch in a few months.

Then put him on mute.

I've had to do this a few times when I was in a really dark place. People were very understanding.

@Sssloou

He is emotionally dysfunctional as evidenced by his repeated chaotic and failed romantic relationships.

His pattern of intimate relating is now obvious to you as he has pushed the acquaintance friendship to another level.

This is of no interest to you and is unappealing (as I am sure it is with his romantic RS) - your gut is sensing something off - listen to it.

He is disrespectful to you in many ways. He is refusing to sense and acknowledge your implicit boundaries (taking time to respond) - ignores this and doubles down thundering on with his own demanding agenda.

People like this are on a loop - ever few months it’s the same RS drama.

Best advice you can give him is to invest in a professional therapist so that he can fix his issues and learn to emotionally regulate once and for all.

You have zero obligation to this character. I suspect that he has run out of road with all of his other female friends and you are the last man standing.

Don’t let people drain you repeatedly. They never change. They take more and more.

Thanks for this. I agree, my boundaries are being trodden on and it makes me uncomfortable. I think it's important to listen to your gut.

We got on fine before the pandemic, but that intense part of his personality is always there. That need to pour out his emotions & ask me for advice a lot.

I suppose @Wondergirl100 I'm considering the fact we got on fine for 5/6 years before lockdown so maybe it will get better again?

I think I'll go back to him & say I don't have a lot of time right now. If he pushes further, then I cant put up with that. I'm willing to see if he can return to a lighter friendship as we had before once things calm down.

But this tendency to be a bit of a drama llama is something I grew out of in my teens to early 20s. He is mid 20s now & still got a good bit of growing up to do in terms of maturity.

You are not selfish for not wanting him to msg you so much. You are selfish though for wanting to keep the level of friendship u want without being honest to him. You can't have it both ways

He sounds exhausting and is using you to dump on. He needs to pay for counselling because he's crossing friendship boundaries here and we're all less able to handle that emotional stress in this lockdown.

Block and delete. It's that simple.

@CaesarsDream

Block and delete. It's that simple.

To a friend you've known for 6 years? That's dickish behaviour.

'That thing about the bullying annoyed me because i know he sometimes offloads to female friends a bit too much - some men seem to expect women to be available so they can do this.'
@Rae34 ... I've read all you've said.

To be honest, I agree with @Scarby9 and others - you need to just tell him.

Some of us press return at the end of one thought ... I am TERRIBLE. for this. !! So I send 10 messages instead of 1 ... My female friends don't mind at all - we all do it. My male friends seem to like it too, in a kind of indulgent way - they know it's just how I talk. My brother says 'fcking hell stop spamming me at 6am' .... : )

This guy - you met. You fancied him. He didn't make a move. That sort of annoyed you (?) but then you settled for friendship. He sees you as someone he can open up to. He is a bit prolific. He likes you but not like that. You've been his go-to person who will listen/is on his side during the isolation of lockdown.

Main point: That's quite a role. And it doesn't suit you.

He wants: a close confidante who drinks in his every word and loves to get in deep with him and talk about everything. I know you said you talked about your issue and he 'used it as an excuse' to talk about his - but that's (some types of) friendship. You say your thing. He says his. You take turns. You explore the issues together. Try to give each other advice/the perspective they need. Respect each other's opinion. Both happy.

Yes, sometimes it's a bit of a pain and they're going on ... but then other times you go on ... that's the deal.

You want: An occasional high-five and lunch.

Please don't take this the wrong way but you sound quite unavailable to him - I don't know if that's you in general, it may be. You may be generally self-sufficient and quite fine and not need all this in-depth observation and chat. Sounds like that may be the case.

So: just tell him. Gently, kindly, tell him. (If you care about him at all) Just say so sorry but I feel bad as don't have time, etc, to read everything properly and give you feedback ... and then don't do it.

It does sound quite over the top, but at the same time it sounds like he thinks you're ok with it, and that's why he's doing it. You need to tell him.