Too nice for my own good?

[Wessexwoman]

I’ve had enough. I’m always polite to everyone, love seeing people happy, give compliments if it’s warranted, acknowledge family birthdays etc etc
I make people welcome in my home even if they are not my kind of people but friends or family of my DH for instance. In other words I bend over backwards. Some of these people aren’t too nice to me at times including DH.
What do I do? I’m not doing it all to be liked or complimented back, but sometimes people can be just downright rude and really take me for granted. I’m sick of it all.
Why can’t people just be nice? Life is too short for nonsense.
Sorry Mumsnetters just needed to rant. Nowhere else to do it.

I hear you @Wessexwoman, it's the same for me.

I have a close friend who I feel takes, takes, takes from me in terms of constant asks/demands. Yet I ask nothing for her. I feel totally taken for granted.

My relatives feel the need to comment on my house, its never anything positive. My house is always clean and tidy but all the little niggly jobs that we haven't yet done seem to be commented on. I feel an immense pressure to get all these jobs done under an already hectic life of working/running the house/kids/doing all the mental load for the house/life/kids admin.

I've had random people make derogatory comments on my appearance. I don't have any distinguishing features, I'm just a 'normal' looking person. But people feel they need to comment time after time and without any prompt from me. Collectively, the comments kill me inside.

Good to hear from a “comrade”@whattocallmyselfeh
Makes me feel better that I’m not alone.

I've been there too, OP. I have no answers but I have learned that being nice, and keeping being nice over the years, is a lot harder than just being rude or nasty, or a right bitch.

People don't value "being nice", generally. I do value it, and I do have a lot of affection and respect for people who are just nice no matter what. It takes a lot sometimes when you don't get anything in return, or sometimes you get the opposite, to keep being a good person.

I thought about this a lot at times, as I have had a lot of disappointing experiences along the years, from work to family and friends. There are people out there who seem to love to bring you down, to devalue and to disrespect. It gives them a kick.

But you have to remember that that says more about them than about you. My conclusion is to be cautious, but to keep being nice as much as you can. Of course, you have to have firm boundaries too. There are certain lines that if people cross, they are instantly out of my life, but in general, I try to keep being a nice person, and positive towards others.

It’s sad people are like this to you. I learned to stop asking why other people were dicks and start asking why i let them get away with it to me. Because the simple answer is there are a lot of people out there who will take the piss and you can’t change them. You can only decide to take it or not.

Wise words@greenandblue432
Ditto@SilverRoe

Thanks a lot @wessexwoman.

I agree that being nice and kind can leave you open to nasty people or comments. Its true that being this way can leave you to being taken advantage of or even abuse as some take it as weakness or being a pushover. I was like this for years. Partly due to upbringing (keeping the peace/ avoiding conflict) and it did turn me into a people pleaser. Very much part of the flight, fight, freeze, fawn response.
It took a lot of work but now I am polite and kind, but have better boundaries and will challenge comments or behaviours. We are drummed into being 'nice' but you can be neutral. You dont have to be the opposite? If its leaving you feeling resentful, hurt and disappointed, try being neutral, while having zero tolerance to unkind comments or behaviours. Doing this I have weeded out the users, bitchy people. Family members who treated me badly know I wont put up with crappy behaviour now. I do not have a great relationship with then, but to be fair they respect me more now.

Yup, yup, yup. I've now learned, in every situation, to ask 'what's in it for me?' If the only answer is 'to affirm I'm a nice person', I discount that reason and just stop doing it. There are no prizes for being 'nice'.

(I'm not happy to have reached that conclusion, but I'm not going to ignore the evidence that most people just take the piss. The few decent people remaining get my niceness with both barrels )

If you always put other people first, you have in effect taught them that you come second

Why can’t people just be nice

This is your error. Don't expect people to be nice. Expect them to demonstrate the entire range of human emotions, including the unpleasant parts.

You are curtailing your own emotional responses and expecting everybody else to live by those rules, which are YOUR rules. It's a bit like deciding to eat only one sort of food, and then getting pissed off when everybody else doesn't do the same.

Where did it come from, your need to be nice all the time? What was your childhood like? It often comes from having to push aside your own feelings when you're little, to keep the peace/not upset the applecart/look after our upset parents etc, or from being told to be quiet a lot as a kid (ie 'your feelings are not the important thing, here')

But your feelings are really important. They are actually the definition of the real you. How you choose to behave, what you like, who you like, the places you like, the lifestyle you like... all of this is determined by how you feel about things. Squashing that part of yourself is squashing the core you; The Real Wessexwoman. Allowing other people to squash The Real Wessexwoman is best viewed as a weakness in your boundaries, rather than a weakness in the other people, because your boundaries, unlike other people, are things you can change.

Yeah, what @Eckhart says - brilliant post!

Thank you so much@Eckhart. You’ve hit the nail on the head. I was often told to be quiet and not offer opinions. I turned into a people pleaser fairly early on in my childhood, then unconsciously chose a husband that took advantage of my nature. Then when I’d had enough and thought my second husband was different - no he did exactly the same. It’s funny. Certain people can be really horrible and others go on about how great they are but if a usually nice person decides to call them out on it then the nice person is on the receiving end of more nastiness. Ffffs!

And yes, I am going to change my boundaries as of NOW!
Thanks again@Eckhart

Being nice all the time no matter what isn't a gift to the world. It's labeling yourself as a doormat that can be walked over. Work on being assertive. Work on identifying what your boundaries are and being assertive when someone crosses them. And work on treating yourself well.

You absolutely don't have to be rude, or nasty to people. But you have a right to assert yourself and protect yourself from people who are.

At a very early age I learned that the meek do not inherit the earth. They inherit the dirt. It is most often the hard, smart clever ones who prosper not the people pleasers. When you get older pleasing other people is no longer important. Other people's opinions - even those of your family - cease to matter. You look back at the huge amount you have put into the community through the work you have done and the taxes you have paid. And you realise you,ve done your bit. Its your turn now to please yourself.

I find people who are “too nice” draining to be around. My DH, for example, is often reluctant to speak his mind. I’ll ask him, “Shall we have chicken for tea?” (or whatever) and instead of saying, “Actually I had my heart set on goat tartlets with a dandelion jus” (or whatever) he’ll just take ages before replying, then say, “Yes.” in a drawn-out, unsure way. “Ye-esss...”

It drives me insane. I have to interpret his time to work out his meaning. I know I should just accept his words - as that’ll stop him doing this - but in the meantime I just shout.

I’m sure you’re not that bad, but being “nice” isn’t all that. People like/need/want to know where they stand with you. And what you want for tea!

*tone, not time

The big thing I realised was that you don't change people; you change who you choose to be around. And you don't silence your feelings; you choose to be around people who respect you when you voice your feelings.

It's quite a scary step, going from blaming your unhappiness on everybody else's rubbishness to taking responsibility for it yourself. I call it 'when I grew up'. I was 42!

There's nothing more to do than recognise your feelings and quietly state them, and sometimes move to a different room. 'I feel taken for granted when you say that', 'What you just said seemed very rude to me' etc. If necessary 'I won't continue to be taken for granted in this way', and leave the room. It's all you need. Just to choose not be near them when they're not treating you nicely, and, out of respect for them and for your relationship, to tell them that that's what you're doing. No rows, no nastiness. That's all 'boundaries' is. Calmly communicate your feelings, and don't be near what you don't like.

The world's your lobster, then!

I went through this at some point in my life, OP. I would seethe quietly about why people made personal remarks about me or how I dressed or my house, and it would really bring my mood down.

Then I got to the stage where I looked at myself and thought "Do you know, I think I'm doing OK! As well as some and better than others who had the same circumstances as me - so I started speaking up! "Oh, I'm sorry that you don't like my hair/dress, etc but that's OK - I like it!" I'm sorry you dislike my house/decor etc - you don't have to stay - I'll perfectly understand if you prefer to leave"! All said with a smile.

People soon took the hint. I don't know why people make unkind comments - especially when you are hosting them. I may think what I like, but I keep my thoughts to myself. 🌹

Very interesting posts in here!

As I grow older boundaries have become paramount, and I am all for choosing boundaries over being nice. It's OK being nice as long as the people around you appreciate it.

If people are trespassing your boundaries and you choose being nice over setting limits, then obviously you are sacrificing yourself for others, and that's not healthy. I have done this in the past, and let people go too far without saying anything because I was scared of creating conflict. I had to learn the hard way.

I think you can still be nice and have strong boundaries, but you have to be very aware of what's going on.

Also, learning about yourself and other people's adaptations to their environments really helped me. If you are dealing with someone with self-centered and narcissist traits, for example, you know what to expect and you can prepare your responses.

You need certain knowledge of psychology and relationship dynamics to survive these days. There are very toxic people out there, and they need to be managed somehow both internally and externally.

It may be learnt behaviour in your case, but I'd really like you to look up the big 5 personality model, and look into agreeableness trait and how it applies to you and those around you.

Also, exactly what you define as 'nice'. For me being nice is being ethical and thinking of others. That's not the same thing as learnt politeness. There are plenty of people who are polite, who say the right things......but they're not really ethical, deep down. Also, some things aren't 'nice', but they might be true and therefore need to be said out loud

If you really are an ethical person who often thinks of others, once piece of advice is be careful who you're generous to. To you, it might not be a big deal. It might be second nature even to help others, give them things they need and be thoughtful. If you are lucky (the other person might, 'Oh how nice, that was really thoughtful of her', and think more highly of you. For others, your generosity might actually might make them feel uncomfortable, like they never asked you for it and now feel like they owe you. If you are more unlucky, the other person will won't think 'How nice of her', they'll think 'Oh....wow....well.....I must be really special'. Narcissists especially think like this. When you are nice to them, all it does it puff up their already over-inflated egos. They might, in their grandiose manner, decide to take you under their wing, so to speak, but it won't be an equal relationship. You will have unknowingly raised your hand to be their handmaiden, and they will treat you with less respect, eventually. Others, usually those who've grown up in very rough areas, see kindness, especially if it's more random than they're used to as weakness, plain & simple. They won't really appreciate it, and they will see you as a target for shit behaviour. Being seen as too nice can also attract all kinds of shit people to you.

I think what you want to feel is appreciated, but you might be appreciated, just how you are, without the added generosity to others. Also, please don't tolerate rudeness. If someone's rude in your home, withdraw yourself as their host or kick them out.

Wish Mumsnet had an edit button!

For others, your generosity might actually might make them feel uncomfortable, like they never asked you for it and now feel like they owe you

I've had this experience with a friend, who used to try to do everything for me when we spent time together. I had to stop being her friend eventually, because I felt like if my shoelace came undone, the best outcome for her would be if I let her tie it for me. Not literally, but you get the idea. She would get offended if I didn't 'let' her help me, it was absolutely stifling. I didn't feel like I owed her, but yes, one person's 'nice' is another person's annoying.

@noego

If you always put other people first, you have in effect taught them that you come second

This.

Also there's various books about stopping people pleasing which would be helpful for you OP

Also, OP, are you just as kind to yourself as you are to others?