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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feel so trapped

29 replies

Feelingalone21 · 29/03/2021 08:42

I've been on and off for over 2 years with my partner things did get quite bad.
His 14 year old daughter has caused problems for a year the attitude doing bad things she shouldn't outside the home and at school and my 11 Yr old sons got tangled up in some bits at school so shes made him lie to save her skin.
But there is a whole lot more that's gone on as he was controlling for most of it and in Lockdown things got worse but now don't give a dam as I am not doing what he wants as I've got stronger but it was bringing me down that I've had to seek help.

I went on a course called the freedom course which has helped me alot but now it's getting unbearable.
Unfortunately he has been looking after his father who is terminal since beginning of Feb and its hard to support him, I'm enjoying the days me and my 2 children are alone. But he wants us to stay at his dad's house again but I can't bring myself to go back as he picks and talks to me like crap even infront of his dad, I know he must be hurting so much I just feel like I'm his emotional punch bag.

I tried taking a step back as a few weeks back he said to me he wished I had the cancer not his dad.
I felt so hurt and sick to the stomach as I'd never wish that on anyone. This is not the first time he has been mean as its normally calling me names when he is angry.
Now I don't know how to support him as when I have, I have got the brunt of his anger and upset and if I don't he rings me constantly saying I'm not supporting him enough.
Everything I do is wrong and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and I haven't got the energy to do it anymore but he is saying I need to support him as his dad is dying and I should be there for him no matter what and we will sort us after his dad passes.

The end of Last year I asked him and his daughter to leave but he refused and said he can't afford being on his own and he needs to pay the car off so I just feel stuck I know we can't go on like it but he isn't listening to me.
I feel so trapped in my own home and can't see it getting any better.

OP posts:

CloudFormations · 29/03/2021 08:54

Who gives a shit if he can’t afford being on his own? That’s his problem not yours. He can’t have it both ways and get the financial benefits of being in a relationship while treating you like shit. Kick him out!

Singlenotsingle · 29/03/2021 09:03

So whose house is it, and are you married? If it's yours, just tell him to go? I don't know why he thinks he's entitled to your support when he treats you so badly. It's just a one-way street isn't it? You'll have to be strong. He needs to go and live with his dad.

SunIsComing · 29/03/2021 09:07

If it’s your house, pack his stuff and let him live with his dad.

Maze76 · 29/03/2021 09:35

The stress of this situation is going to have a negative impact on your mental health if you do not address it now. His reasons for not wanting to move out appear to be financial. That is not your problem. Like others have said, he can move in with his dad and care for him, and I would have that conversation with him again, but this time make it sound like you are selflessly giving him the time he needs to devote to his dying father, that you think he should move in with him-so that they can spend the time they have together. Lay it on thick.
If this gets him to leave your home, for however long, then at least it gives you time to breathe and plan your next move.

StephenBelafonte · 29/03/2021 10:07

whose house is it

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 29/03/2021 10:13

Are you renting or own? Is the lease or mortgage in both names, or just yours?

If it's just yours, he has no legal right to stay there and you can just tell him to go. Does his DD live with you? I presume she can just go back to her mums if he is not in stable housing. And he can stay with his dad for now.

Have you got someone who can be there when you tell him, so he doesn't bully you back in line?

Original poster

Feelingalone21 · 29/03/2021 10:26

It's my place he decided to give his flat up when I told him not to, I gave him a letter for our council last year to give in which he didn't and that's when he said just let me get on my feet .

Just had another call because I haven't rang this morning or called to say if I'm going to his dad's today im still not supporting him apparently and because I said shall I give you a schedule he had a go to which I said my part
He knows to push every button to make me shout because I'm not taking his carp anymore now ,it's actually doing me in I feel like I'm battling every day
When I have said to go live there at his dad's with his daughter as there is rooms he has said no .

He is basically there all the time and I said to all have time together without me and my 2 there but he just says he needs me there for support .
His dad have me a necklace which he took back off me yesterday because I'm not being the support he needs when I have been but now I can't when what I am doing I feel criticised and that he belittling me all the time .

OP posts:

Sakurami · 29/03/2021 10:30

Pack his things and change the locks. It's your house. He can stay with his dad. You are under no obligation to house him. He is vile and abusive. And it is hurting your children too.

Cloverforever · 29/03/2021 10:35

Do tye freedom programme again. You should not be putting up with this shit.

Original poster

Feelingalone21 · 29/03/2021 10:40

He has custody of his daughter she hardly sees her mum .
He thinks I'm being selfish and what I'm doing isn't the right time I've tried and tried but now I can't do it.
Since being here I've been the one paying for his daughter birthdays and Christmas with supporting my own as well .

I've become an angry person I've never been like this

OP posts:

TooTrueToBeGood · 29/03/2021 10:40

He's using you and abusing you. He is emotionally damaging both you and your children. You owe him nothing but a boot in the arse to send him out the door for good. His problems are his to sort, not yours. Get him tae fuck and don't look back. Ignore his attempts to guilt trip you. Just get him gone for good or he will slowly suck the very marrow out your soul.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 29/03/2021 10:42

You need to end this relationship for the sake of your children. As well as for yourself.

Original poster

Feelingalone21 · 29/03/2021 10:51

I am doing it again after Easter holiday .

OP posts:

updownroundandround · 29/03/2021 13:50

@Feelingalone21

Don't wait until Easter holidays are over, because that may be too late.

Hi dad is dying of cancer, and that's terrible, but it is not an excuse to treat you like shit !

You really have to use the time now, while he's out of your house and at his dad's every day, to book a locksmith and change the locks while he's out.
Otherwise, you might well find that he simply won't leave your house at all after his poor dad is gone.

Pack up all his stuff and his poor daughters stuff and leave it outside the front door, then text him to collect it, then block his number and block on all social media. If you want, you can give his daughter an email address where she can contact you.

You know he's never going to 'go quietly', don't you ?

So now is the best/easiest time to actually get rid of him.

StephenBelafonte · 29/03/2021 13:58

I definately agree with updownroundandround

Original poster

Feelingalone21 · 29/03/2021 14:22

Thank you everyone for your advice, I doubt she would want to keep in touch with any of us she hardly bothered with us for a while , she goes to my sons school now so when they are back I know it's going to be hard .
I use to do things with her now I feel I'm like her money bank the same as her dad's she only talks when she wants something other then that she's quite a moody person

I asked for the things at his dad's place and said my son doesn't remember where his tablet is but for just saying that I have apparently insinuated someone in his family has stolen it so I haven't contacted again

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 29/03/2021 15:45

Don't let him stay at your place again. Don't go to his dad's house, he is not your concern. But it sounds like you have realised this.

InsufferablePerformanceFather · 29/03/2021 16:45

This man openly wished you had cancer. There is nothing okay about that. What are you teaching your son about relationships by letting this man keep abusing you? I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, just to help you see that this man is toxic. Change the locks, Pack his stuff and drop it over to the dad's house. Block his number and get on with your life.

Original poster

Feelingalone21 · 03/04/2021 15:36

Update. I asked him and his daughter to leave all things where picked up yesterday was really hard but now I'm concentrating on my two babies.feeling alot of weight off my shoulders.
Hope your all have a good easter

OP posts:

Dery · 03/04/2021 16:47

That’s great news, @Feelingalone21. Well done for ending the relationship.

It still sounds like you need to do the Freedom Programme again and perhaps read Women Who Love Too Much because frankly you still tolerated way more shit from this man than you should have done. That’s okay. For various reasons, your shark cage is under-developed and you’re clearly still somewhat vulnerable to being mistreated and abusers have a nose for that.

updownroundandround · 03/04/2021 16:59

@Feelingalone21

I'm so glad he has actually left, and that you already feel a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

Have you actually changed the locks ? As I'd definitely advise you to do this asap, regardless of whether he's given you his set of keys back, as he could easily have had another key cut before giving you them back (and could therefore easily get in whenever he knows you wouldn't be home or while you're asleep in bed).

Well done in getting rid of him !

Elieza · 03/04/2021 17:37

Have you changed the locks? If not I’d do that as soon as possible. I know it costs money but for peace of mind it’s worth doing.

Original poster

Feelingalone21 · 03/04/2021 18:35

Yes all done in an hour of me calling the housing people.

OP posts:

SunIsComing · 04/04/2021 07:06

Glad he’s gone. Well done.

nohelp · 04/04/2021 07:16

Good on you.
Put your family first.

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